i feel vaguely anxious like the way i was when i was younger and my heart can't stop beating properly. i feel vaguely scared sometimes whenever i have to do something i think is important - in this case, swapping the internet connection. i think maybe because i'm naturally nervous-type; i look for monsters hidden in shadows and voices speaking in the wind and when i run run run home i think of how close and how far and i always get worried that i'm making the wrong decision.
i don't understand how changing an internet plan is making me so nervous though. for god's sake it's so everyday!
but for me, it doesn't seem ordinary. i get nervous because it's one of the few ways i can connect back home. i get nervous because for the past few days my phone has been off. i get nervous because my bank account is dwindling (helloooooo dad for being late. again.) no, what makes me truly nervous is being cut off from everything in the world.
so for some reason my palms are sweaty and after 1000000++++ akame fics later i'm still edgy and anxious about tomorrow. i tell myself to keep calm but i can't i can't i can't. i worry about the future because it's my nature to worry, i want to sleep but i can't sleep for worrying and mostly i wonder why i'm worried over something as mundane as resetting an internet connection.
twelve ten sixteen twenty
i count numbers in my head
and watch android sheep jump over
electric fences
mostly i dislike being left like that, this state of unknown. i deal with things like this very badly. i hate not knowing the outcome of anything because usually my intuition can solve it. in the case i don't know if paying 75bucks/month will ensure a smooth internet connection or not and if it doesn't - i'm fucking screwed. i think it will and all probabilities point it so but the what ifs bother me more than anything else. i worry and worry and honestly worrying doesn't solve anything but at least it gives me something to think through.
distract distract distract....
distraction is always good
usually i just read, because reading is easy to fall into and concentrate upon. reading is like water to me, and reading doesn't take much GB. so if i read online instead of loading sites with lots of jpg i am saving bandwidth right? i'm so fucking scared of a bandwidth breakdown now it's funny. maybe it's like a new kind of phobia. oh dear, what does it mean for me?
i need a bath but i am scared it will DNS error on me when i shower. oh my gods. these are like the symptoms of a panic attack what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. maybe i need to walk out and convince myself this is irrational. yeah. fucking hell. fucking australia. fucking phobia.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:14 a.m.+
Urgh my house internet is down AGAIN! and this time it isn't Optus's fault, but because my shitty housemate has exceeded the bandwidth every fucking day so I have to go uni every fucking day even when it's raining and can you fucking hear how much I fucking want to kill her???!!!!!!!!????!!!! >:( PISSED OFF.
Monday
I went to watch Sex and the City by myself ($6 bucks, yay!) and honestly.....meh. I just watched it for the Vivienne Westwood designs and clothes. I don't particularly follow the series or subscribe to its feel-good philosophy. I'm enough of a cynic to wonder how these people can manage lifestyles that don't actually work at all - to wake up in the morning with perfect hair and makeup and no bad breath and walk around with flowers the size of australia under your armpit......whut? I enjoyed it the way I enjoy eating popcorn ie. - tasteless, with no nutritional value but somewhat munchable.
my favourite outfit is that wonderful vintage dress she wore at the opening though, that was seriously cute<3 I'm not really fond on maxi dresses because it makes me look like a dumpling :0 PLZ PEOPLE DON'T LET IT COME BACK TO FASHION. The yellow suit was very cute too~
Went online and finished the akame fic. I'm so glad I actually finished something considering I haven't written much lately (unless you count essay shite D:) By the time I finished it was 3am and I was walking home and fuck, it was so bloody cold and I haven't even had dinner yet :( but ah well. Skipped my interview though and wtf let Jiawei read it. The most Ohmygods!!!! part came when I started describing how to write p0rn..........ZOMG!TRAUMA!!!!
yeah okay, life is just full of whut sometimes.
Tuesday
lazed in bed.
picked up film.
bought a storybook (OMGZ NOW I HAVE THE FULL BLOOD TRILOGY!!11)
cleared the trash.
interwebz was down AGAIN.
fuck I'm really going to slaughter my housemate. Her friend already volunteered to DL all her shite since the said friend has unlimited bandwidth - but that bloody bitch insists all the time and fucking lies that she isn't downloading thus exceeding the 20GB limit during the day so I can't access it at night (40GB). HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT BITCH!!!! >:( very pissed off. At this rate I'm just not going to pay for my internet fee, since I'm not using it at all. Worse still is that dad/gu jie hasn't sent my school fees/allowance so I'm biding my time and being good. It's a good thing I don't snack/eat much, considering how everything goes.
gah i want to go sydney and eat sashimi
Wednesday
Rained.
WTF.
RAINED.
On the day of lolita meetup. But since I promised to go I reluctantly got out of my warm, cozy bed and got dressed. Thankfully it isn't really much work for me since I don't wear make up or curl my hair. Argh, am I lazy or what? I couldn't even be arsed to find the right pair of socks so I just threw on the MILK ones (was going to wear the AP ones)
Met them all at Flinder's station, then went to Ghin Kao for lunch. After lunch went to Laurent. Talked mainly to Magadelen and Snikity then took photos at Block Arcade and headed off to the Kimono exhibition. Talked to Natasha, told her not to be dumb but idk idk. sometimes you just haveta let it be y'know? it's the only way to learn. shikata nai *le shrug* I did my best anyway, so yeah
now I have like 10000000+++++ photos to resize and upload argh. And my phone is out of battery AND unable to connect to a network AND I need to go call up 3 and ask wtf where's my bill for handphone? I have a feeling they're still sending it to my Lygon address argh
Friday with Natz, Saturday with Melbourne flickr group then 8th June photoshoot + scanning, 13th June with Sefie....hmmm did I miss anyone out? I hope not. I'm happy to be busy though, while having a break. It's time to like....rest up, do more stuff I like and get ready for hellhole year 2. I want to go Glen Waverly as well, and I promised Jiawei I'll go to the NGV art deco exhibiton with her too. Then there's Manifest and like Magdalen, Natasha and I are going as akiba lolitas! :D :D :D should be quite fun I think~ and yeah, need to do colour management course and sign up for a driving licence next year (when I turn 21) hopefully all goes well then.
ahhhhhhh it's cold now! I'm going back home
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:07 p.m.+
ahhhh I'm out of green tea icecream!!!! *woe* I can't live without greentea icecream, even in winter I'll eat it. The thing is that I only like SOME types of green tea iceceam and I'm quite picky. I only like it when it's creamy and mildly bitter, refreshing rather than heavy. I like it mainly by Korean brands, because they make it milky-bitter as opposed to dishwash-soap bitter. Argh I hope they have my brand in stock, if not I'll be very sad :( I like it best on sticks, so I can eat and ficwrite at the same time.
Right now I'm snacking on mandarin oranges. Not exactly green tea, but I like mandarin oranges. I am vaguely desirious for a strawberry shortcake crepe too
Anyway I finally found a place that sells sausage rolls - Breadtop! (aka. australia ver. of breadtalk) It's overpriced and everything BUT it tastes very singaporean so I'm not complaining. Going inside makes me miss otah bread though, bqq'ed and mircowaved. Sometimes I really miss food at home, especially the warming stuff. There are days I crave steam promfet with ginger and dried mushrooms, or chicken stew with black fungus and lily stems and I know I won't be able to find it here. Mostly right now I crave a green tea milkshake, from the teppanyaki place at Russell/Bourke street but I'm too lazy to go down on my own.
I think food plays a scarily large role in my life Dx
It's not that I snack a lot though, I don't really indulge in comfort eating (surprise surprise) I thought I would, but my fridge is devoid of snacks. I have ham, bok choy, milk, orange juice, mandarin oranges, beef and eggs. That's IT. I thought I'll be stuffing my fridge full of chocolate........but surprisingly I don't do it. Wonder why, considering most of my family indulge in some kind of comfort eating. Then again, I go for retail theraphy on Y!J which is just as bad.
fic is going nowhereeeeeeeeee
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I promised i'll finish it BEFORE! the end of june
so I MUST FINISH IT NAO >:(
---------------
does anyone else realize how the lyrics of The Scientist is so heartbreakingly sad? I think my favourite line is questions of science, science and progress because that's really what it is isn't it? questions.
feeling weirdly restless again.
i'm restless AND tired, what a combination
sometimes....sometimes i just put on a lolita dress even when i'm not going out, i'll just put it on in my room and turn the music really really high up and lock the door and dance - to myself, for myself. dance to something in my head and twirl into steps only i know. not dancing music. just music i like. anything. just days when i'm not really awake or asleep and i feel too restless - i'll put on a twirling dress, and dance in quiet safety of my room
to feel a feather
weighted on the body
softly in rememberance
an old dance; offered
to unseen audiences
and the feet
incessent
on modern carpetry
to a rhythm older than the moon
i feel drunk. i didn't drink. just warm ad hot and strangely heated. like too much honey fumes in my head, drowsy and sick sweet. oh what now, oh what now did i do, posession is nine tenths of law. to feel like someone else. to feel some complusion, and then nothing - nothing else.
i put my hands on my face and watch it reform
sometimes i'm scared of what i am, like now. what did i just do. why did i do it. i know it was right because i don't feel so restless now, but my cheeks are flushed and i'm still wearing a dress in the middle of the night and my headache is gone but i can still feel the ghost sensation of when i put my hands on my face and closed my eyes; driving blind.
and when i look in the mirror with those hazed hazed eyes
i just
don't know
it's times like this i wonder if i'm accidentally a satanic worshipper, wearing a moitie dress and dancing to bloc party. it's like a modern seance or something. fin de scele.i need to feel like tsu again, wear my cjc shirt and crappy shorts and not think of those kind of things
it's not the same - being scared of hallucinations
it's not the same as being scared of yourself.
i worry sometimes, why i'm so prone to these type of things. why things happen (and i shrug it off as things, world-things) and why do i do these things as well. i don't know what kind of complusion for it, since i have no clue. i just know i needed to do it as much as i needed to breathe.
ahhhh too tiresome to talk
at least i'm not having blackouts yet
hopefully
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:27 p.m.+
i miss sausage rolls :(
why doesn't aust have sasauge rolls?!?!?
gah.
needs food.
je faim.
needs food NOW >:(
+tsu waited for you at 05:22 p.m.+
take your hands off slowly
be right back
oh, what happens
when the flame comes alight with fumes
and the distant fogbell chimes softly
//handsaway//handsaway//handsaway//
taking it softly
slowly
oh, what happens
to us all
i'm in some weird funk and i turned down the job today. i'm in that kind of weird funk where i just like to lie around blankly and eat frosties for breakfast lunch and dinner and curl up with something soft; as though touching anything else would be painful. it's like being wrapped up in layers, until you don't know where you start or where you end or what is what and the thing is part of you - till you wake up and let it go
i have another interview next tuesday anyway, and i'm not too bothered. i spent part of my day writing an akame fic, the rest of it online and being mindless and talking to jiawei about photography - after that, vaccumed the floor and looked for places. i'll go take a walk tomorrow. take some time off, go off to glen waverly and chase electric lines that stretch to infinity. infinity is good. infinity is cold. infinity is so so blue.
no one ever said it was easy
i feel cold. not cold in body, but cold like a hibernating soulessness, a derelict wasteland with no dancing gypsies or swaying poppies; just a cold dark winter locked with a cruel wind and that endlessly darker-than-dark sky. it's a type of waiting that i'm used to, a kind of waiting that i like and yet dislike, and yet over and over again i know when the fog rolls.
i called mom yesterday - isn't it funny? she told me to keep the money. (so did jiawei. so did kor.) i guess since it's 3, it makes me a perfect idiot. a well-principled idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. i think i need to learn to trust people less, help people less and stop feeling so bloody cheated all the time. it makes me fretful, all these things. i don't like it. i didn't like what happened on friday either, but what i can do? fretting gives no use, except maybe white hairs.
i admit, sometimes i don't want to talk to audy because she says needless things and makes me feel worse not better. like the last time she implied that and now.......heh, actually that's no exception. sometimes i just don't want to talk to anyone. no, that's not true either. sometimes i don't want to talk to someone i know, sometimes i want the safety of talking to a stranger who doesn't know or care about me and we can just make every day conversation without stepping around minefields of words.
waiting for the
6.20; at tramlines
in july
a rush of wind, the vaccum
close your eyes and think of
summer blackberries
let's try to walk this
weekend
i think of fishbowls - no, bowl fishes. upside down inside out universes, pocket worlds and the face that i hold in my hand (cupped, chin up darling the world isn't ending yet) is not someone i meet in the mirror but mornings and nights. a cyan trap. traplight of glitter and discoballs and fairydust, standing stock-still looking up as it spins slowly and effortlessly - fascinating trap of cyanlight.
discman discmen
i thought of something funny - that the kind of guy that listens to KAT-TUN would probably go clubbing and play with lots of girls, very playboy type. a lot of their music sounds like a mix of ballads and hiphop/pop grind. like the type of guy who'll buy you a beer and fuck you in a cheap motel (doesn't have enough class for a hotel) and drive a flashy sportscar and gell his hair up. very beng. unreal LOL
tell me life is beautiful
i need to stop my frosties addiction. it's like i eat 3 bowls of frosties a day, ze horror. wonder if they're spiking the frosties with 'another' type of sugar. heh, sugar; sweetiepie honeybun fruitpuff cupcakedarling. blood in my crackstream, or was it the other way round?
i should get drunk tonight. or something. maybe.
i feel like it. i feel like many things and not.
i feel like i should say something, but something else spits out.
acidspit y'know
mostly i just think of stoning frosties and milk.
and that's all, really.
don't look forward
don't look back
it's time to eat more glass
Serre moi encore serre moi
jusqu'a etouffer de toi
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:42 p.m.+
so good
right on
a shell. a curve of a shell, a pink tinged arch ringed inwards in gentle swells. shell. put your hand up your ear, fingers curled protectively and listen; listen. stand at the edge of the moutain. stop in the street junction. close your eyes and listen.
so says the stoning frosties
it's over and over now - finally, thank god. good riddence, slam the taxi door, goodbye.
and then i went back
walked; returning the hasselbald
hello goodbye i was glad to hold you
and that was that
the end
i feel so tired and drained, emotionally. beat up pancake girl-like, falling into bed, falling into flatness and poof! where's my koko krunch? that kinda thing. i just want to fall into a dreamless sleep - something that doesn't involve waking in the middle of the night, looking at the side and dear god! it's 4am! why why why so says the glowing numbers and all i do is hug bearbear and try to sleep
i wondered, yesterday. i really wondered. i wondered if i was overthinking too much, and that maybe i was reading into things and maybe he really was trying to show concern for his daughter...............then i realized it didn't make any difference. even if mom bought it for me, i wouldn't have accepted it. i wouldn't have accepted it because some things in the world must be earned not given. because in giving, it cheapens the value of it. if i was so into instant gratification, then why do i use film? no. this wasn't the right way. things have to be earned. things have to have meaning bestowed upon them. to have meaning, there must be a sacrifice.
i am feeling damned depressed actually
maybe i should wear loli tmr
feeling pretty always helps
urgh i'm just going to sleep soon and hopefully waking up to a better tomorrow. anyhow i have a whole stack of books to read (bought them back a while ago)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:27 p.m.+
