recently I'm been thinking of family, of home. I can't help it - so many people in parsons have families, and they go against the angry artist sterotype by being good families. Not perfect, but solid. And sometimes, I look at them - I look at Ted holding his daughter's hand, at Dave swinging his child in the air, at Kasia talking lovingly about her son and her grandkids and I think: why couldn't I have had that too?
It's not so much self-pity or any recriminations that I might have had as a teenager, but more like...wistfulness? a fleeting melancholy? It makes me wonder one day, what it'll be like to have a home, a permanent place to cling on to; solid as a bedrock fortress warmer than evening sun.
guess it's just....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:00 a.m.+
Softly, warmly.
a feeling of sunrise
I wonder, how much of it, is about us? one of us misread, whaddya know? after all, you were so much of my life. listening to six ugly, i remember the taste of that eternal summer.... or the feeling of it, to live eternally in present. daydreaming and talking to crows, to burn forever in the land of shadowy trees and eternal sunset, with music floating from the valleys up to the hill where you and i sat, underneath the tree watching the constant sunset. we lived in that world, of dark dreams and story pain, stories on stories on stories - fanfiction of our lives, and the gossip and then some, and the story i had inside, the one you never knew because we could never be just i.
so often, we fill up each others' thoughts and the strangeness of being far away and suddenly bereft. first you, then bearbear. mostly losing bearbear was harder but even so.... maybe we never had each other in the first place. a coincidental orbit, peculiar tangency that should've never happened and yet....
i'm ranting. my ass is warm under a duvet, half-asleep i am. i dreamed of music today and i wonder sometimes what went wrong, or what happened to us; what caused us to break apart after so many years? was it the show? or did this crack exist all along? i have nothing to say, when words seemed to leap and spill and tangle when we were together once before
mellow, that's how I feel now. mellow and halfasleep and decompression zone. if i had less of a body, i would sublimate into the sea, into air - waves, eddying to norway
raining, love the sound of it - on glass, like the tapping call of wind - hello my love, i have come for you a kiss of cold and lover of frost; each snowflake like a conversation in making, the crunch and bitter howl like a dancer elusive.
+tsu waited for you at 04:34 a.m.+
So long have we been, not unspeaking. I feel like words are escaping as the images grow stronger - slipping through my fingers, I feel like I don't know how to describe my own work anymore. Is that strange? It used to be that endlessly, I would pour out my heart on these pages but now it's just making and work and working and make and now the words are gone.... am i mute, songbird?
I dream sometimes of me holding myself, the willow swaying from rain and wind like the swell of the sea, and with me holding myself I'm dancing like firelight, like romance and somehow together it'll fuse, things will shine illuminate like a dancer in the palm of my/our hand
i think maybe i should never stop blogging. i made lazarus project, and i didn't know what i did. i should've written but i didn't, so now it feels like i'm making something i don't know, this alien child i try to describe when i don't really know. but i think - lazarus is really about violence, it's like the violence in mythologies - godeaters when i think of that i think of the earthsea saga, the "she is eaten!" in the temple where the nameless ones lurk beneath the earth, with only the walls as your guide and no eyes. that endless labyrinth like a well, with the nameless ones lurking and their breath dripping and acrid and nipping at your ankles. i don't think i explain very well, because it's very personal; mythologies. lazarus in this cold cold tomb wrapped in lights and dripping water, lazarus who could not die, lazarus the wanderer in the death labyrinth - maybe why, they were godeaters because they were not gods, but the ones whom even the heavens parted for
it's mostly this image, it just haunts me. actually it was one of my favourite stories as a teenager (like around 14) Tombs of Atun and Ged has finished the first book, where he confronted his shadow. in the 2nd book he goes to the Tombs of Atun, where he meets Arha "the Eaten" one and blah blah blah plot - what really interested me in the story was the claustrophobic narrative, those tombs which the Nameless Ones (the anti-gods gods) lived; each solemn ritual; "she is eaten!" the eunch and the tiny child priestress in black cloths, the glittering dark and maze walls where she learns, a story that gives her a road in the path of the dark where she walks
What is godeaters about? it's about rituals and death and myth and violence: the blood of blood that is poured to ground, to earth that eats dust and man, to the hubris of constellations, each fairytale a sitch in the giant history; tis written in the stars! written in the ground and mud, written in smoke and ash and dreamshares, written in meat and bones people, meat and bones and lights - idk what I'm even ranting about anymore, but ranting yeaaa
maybe i should just go: "it's about sex drugs and rock'n'roll" and end it there because writing an abstract is like drawing blood from fucking rock. I feel so pulled apart, as though i'm trying to dig out the bones that hold the flesh together and it's just. it's just not working D:
I think maybe that's why i'm so hard up on doing a design project
+tsu waited for you at 11:21 p.m.+
I love words like 'chupuzah', such a random collection of vowels with a strong plosive followed by a sharp exhale. I guess that makes me ultrageeky to think about it, but I don't care so *shrugs*
Reasonably happy, I'm going to Berlin! Exciting prospect, if only so that I can enjoy my favourite painting in the world - Monk by the Sea by caspar david fiedrich<3 I love that painting, I fell in love with it as a teenager and I still love it.
Otherwise it's a rather dull existence.... it's been cold, and I've been having le carre desires; cold fog and chilling brilliance.... feeling lonely, but not feeling like being around people. It's like I want to be alone, even though I feel a bit lonely. Odd feeling, oh well
Thinkish still, don't know what to feel
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:03 a.m.+
Today is a blur - a gaussian blur of snow-turned-rain, my breath is the only thing real, a wet cloud in cold. I took 2 sleeping pills yesterday, wishing for oblivion. I woke up today in a dreamless hell, I check my mail - 2 rejection letters, one from NRF the other from dreamyard. Eyes closed, the pills do their effect; all this is blunted. I fall back into sleep, just nothing but darkness.
I take disappointment very badly. Meeting at 4pm, I grudgingly get up at 2.30 - the sky is a dank cloud the colour of soggy newspapers or dead cottonwool. Today is all camoflauge colours - khakis and brown and charcoal grey with a slash of pink; an offending keloid against the neutrals. Soup for lunch, and my feet comfortably nestled in uggs (don't give a shit, there's gonna be a snowstorm can feel it in my bones) and out the door.
Chelsea chelsea chelsea.... I love Chelsea, it's possibly my favourite district in new york. It's not only because it's the arts district (although it is) but because it doesn't seem like new york. It's dotted with little cafes, diners and markets and BOOKSHOPS(!) I love hole in the wall bookshops, and the food there is excellant.... plus my favourite cinema is there. I just love it, the highline and everything - for some reason, it looks like how I imagine London to be like.
Thought of going for philosophy class, then I half-turned back, and walked into the cinema. Bought a ticket for a 6pm show; TinkerTailorSailorSpy. Walked out. A few doors down, went to collect resources - a bag of doughnuts, a burger, a drink and then ready for the dreaming. I love spy movies, especially le carre ones. It's not so much about the plot, but the atmosphere; that dankness that hugs you at quarters, the shadows underneath those trenchcoats, the silver of pistol all the more shocking after the quiet candences, controlled conversations, clipped syntax and suddenly - a shot; the tears he bleeds is blood mixed with silver.
I love that film. I really really do. It gave me a headache (or possibly cos I walked, half a mile, in the snow, with no umbrella) but I loved everything about it - the quietness, the deliberate non-action coupled with shocking violence; and the irony! The man's name- of all things, is Smiley! (who never smiles)
To escape, into that dream. Ruthless and cold and brilliant like a diamond and that brilliantness; to fight in a cloud, eyes blinded, bodies clashing and the sound of roaring rushed in the ears, deafening; but only to you and you alone because no words, not a breathe, escapes. Only the battered soul, hunched back and you walk out from the cold.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:07 p.m.+
Thank god 7x7 is overrr @_@;; it was so much work, but unlike last year I actually had fun this time. I did it like a 'fictional documentary' type, presented as remains of a war that doesn't exist and I had quite a lot of fun coming up with items for it.... plus I got to use the laser cutter machine muwhahaaha<3
That project sucked up most of my time, but several things recently happened or unhappened. One was that I got over my crush on J - well it wasn't even a proper crush, more like fleeting affection coupled with close proximity since we shared like 10hrs of class last year. Next was a bit of socialisation fatigue, coupled with general fatigue. Went for C's birthday party, and accidentally passed my flu around to everyone. Then it was S's birthday, and I just gave up and stayed in and like yea....
I think I'm happier off being less social, plus if anything the 7x7 project really gave me a chance to fiddle in the library which was pretty fantastic.
Now I'm chilling on the sofa, listening to coldplay, checking twitter whilist y!Jing and thinking of having another bowl of awesome soup or maybe some more tea (probably soup, since I want to sleep soon) The feeling of peace, is rather wonderful. I feel so much calmer this semester, compared to the anxiety and doubt I felt last semester. I guess having a good tutor really makes the difference!!!
Planning to do a bit of cleanup tomorrow, and then down to chelsea for some arting.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:37 a.m.+
i am so tired and i hate everyone rn
that sums it up
also i lost an entire entry, and i just can't be arsed to rewrite it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:17 a.m.+
sick, still sick. wonder what I ate that set it off yesterday, since I was beginning to get well too - was it the cold air? (but I was wrapped warmly, even with a hat and double scarf) the food? (pineapple tarts... but I only had 2; maybe the lobster, but I only had a small piece everything else was just beehoon and rice and I avoided anything deepfried) Anyway all I wanted to do is :( :( :( swollen lymph nodes and tonsils, urgh so much pain, so annoying, etc etc
most depressingly I'm running out of lozenges and painkillers soon, and I don't look forward to it
ok whiny post is whiny
off to try and nap again
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:56 p.m.+
........... that awkward feeling when you want to hit on a guy that is 16 years older. um. *pauses* Anyway. Its not like we see each other often. Therefore. Ignore. (plus he told me to date L. WAT. NO. it's like going out with my own brother. NO.)
I'm kinda meh about being back in school, and yet excited. the meh part comes from when I was talking to V, and it was kinda obvious that she wasn't happy for me and well, insurmountable distance etc etc idk, it was weird how she was putting down my excitement over the project ("oh I decided to cut all ties in china when I came over") and how she was "more" of an artist than I was because she didn't accept impure work/working for the govt. ("oh, I was offered an important project as well, but I turned it down") and I was all kinda WAT over it. Like. dude. I thought. well. I guess we aren't friends after all.
CNY dinner with sg people was good; ate pineapple tarts and beehoon, plus a lot of clementimes. I think I have a bit of sore throat (again!) just when I was feeling better cos I couldn't stop snacking on them.... terrible self, so masohistic but oh, they were so good. Wore my new nazgul sweater-dress out today as well, it's really warm! I was surprised at how warm it is. It was snowing buckets today, but all I wore was t-shirt + nazgul sweater+jeans+coat and I was pretty good to go. The only thing is that it sheds like hell, but it's worth it for the sheer warmth and fluffyness. Plus I think it makes me look 100000x levels of coolness, aka. deatheater-meets-nazgul awesomelook xDDD
going to sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:50 a.m.+
Reading a lot of gibson lately, this line: "technomadic Gibsonian protagonists "with rootedness in the virtual rather than the real" who "find their true homes in the non-spatial reaches of digital networks" just makes me nod, and go - yes yes, there it is
Snow today, it looks beautiful - large wintry flakes like icing on a grey cake, making everything look postcard perfect beautiful. Most of all is how it looks like in twilight, glowing whiteness illuminating the edges of stills, like whiteout edges or Auerbach drawings; erasures on charcoal. I like winter, not because of the cold (it makes me feel sick) but because it seems like this city only comes alive with snow. I forget about the grey, the ugliness, the rats on the subway and high taxes and give into the city that dreamed up Gotham and art deco and Citizen Kane - give over to the dream that enthralled so many before, and ever more. A vintage dream supersede on reality, you walk across the junctions that Ford might have walked across the very same sky you're dreaming in Pollack.
School starting in a day, don't know what to feel. Wrapped up in my nazgul sweater, I fly across snow laden streets like a black scrap of shadow.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:12 p.m.+
It's weird, I've been humming island music all day. hello my love, it's getting cold on this island
It's so cold today, I watched dawn start from my window - not real dawn, just reflected off buildings; warm orange light on dirty blue glass; prisms of reflections. I watched from the side of my bedroom window (living room really), watching just like in the evenings I watch the offices across me - like dollhouses playacting real life.
It's kinda weird, living in an apartment from Hitchcock's movie.
Even now, he's in there, still in his office, at 10.30pm on a Thursday night.
Went to the doctor's today, walked there. I did a small loop, cutting across Ktown so I could pick up sponge cake again then dropped by 12F to check if clive or ted was there just to say hi. They weren't, but it's OK. Signed in with ISS, and registered my alien presence with revelant authorities then headed to the medical clinic. Surprisingly the drop-in wait was pretty short, and most interesting was how they made me fill up this huge stack of forms about medical history and everything - it's so comprehensive how much the school really *does* care about you; questions about depression and body image, history of blood pressure and everything under the sun etc etc etc
Weird as fuck but ever since I've heard that ff0 rendition I've been humming PoTC's davy jone's epic theme song complete with crazy organ bells. I love that theme, it always sounds like how it looks like, and how it looks like is like how it sounds (somehow, it should be EPICALLY played; anything less is unworthy.) I love the Hoist the Colours remix with Up is Down as well; it sounds freakin' glorious
Settling down fine, but feeling antsy and just the slightest tinge of rebellion. I think I go through periods like this, this restless energy that just collects and collects, like some transitive stage the way it feels like half your mind is still stuck in the airport departure lounge while your feet is itching to run 9000 miles away.
Had a quesadilla today though, t'was good<3
somehow I never feel properly in new york until I had a quesadilla/burrito. Seems more proper, suchlike.
anyway going to sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:32 p.m.+
Coughing and achey still, urgh when will this ever end? I really hate being sick. Very energy draining... yesterday I fell asleep at 9.30pm! can you imagine? It was like total knockout D:
Anyway I got most of my errands cleared yesterday which is good. First up; morning went to post office to send off the chocolate chess jsk, then walked to K-town to pick up some nessescities aka. kimchi, eggs and stopped by the bakery for some sponge cake<3 Went home, dropped it off, fixed a quick lunch (soba, egg) and then went to meet Dave at 2pm but he was fantabulously late cos of the SOPA/PIPA protests..... which meant that I was late to meeting Shaan and Yong Lee at the cinema to watch sherlock. Anyway it turned out well, except by then I was coughing my lungs out and it was SO. COLD. OMFG. so instead of walking we subway'ed uptown for dinner - Shaan had fried rice, I had seafood noodle soup and Yong Lee has kimchi-something with rice and it came up to.... 11.95 a person. WINNNNNN~~~<3 Can I declare how much I like ktown? It's near, serves great food and.... bakeries!!!!1111oneoneneone I<3strawberrycaek~~~ I think this year I'll buy myself strawberry matcha chiffon and white roses for my birthday
The meeting with Dave went well which was good, he told me to be 'bolder' in my work and I'm like idk, story of Icarus, be cautious? don't fly too near the sun? but he was pretty nice about it overall, and apparently I have to write an email to him stating my intentions and how I would go about creating a syllabus for myself etc etc paperwork moar paperwork
ok lah, don't really mind
FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!!!
Anyway I'm curled up nice and warm in the apartment, don't feel like going out at all EXCEPT I should pobably go see a doctor and sign in with ISS at the same time. Frankly the furthest I want to walk to is my room to the bathroom and back again :/ dressing up in winter is fun but so much work
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 08:15 a.m.+
It's william gibson kinda day.
what a year.
I've been neglecting blogging, which is rather wilful of me but then again..... have you ever felt like that? the sense of fallowing, the earth blanketed with hay and all the soft things asleep inside - from the worms to the weeds, to the colour of the sky - soft dove grey wrapping the sleeping earth, in fallows. Colours of mustard, it tells you that the time is not now, just sleep child.
I've been feeling that, since I came here. Nothing producing, nothing birthing; everywhere, the landscape inside was asleep. I didn't take a single picture, didn't make any meaningful drawings, whatever work I did was pushed out without yurameki - painful and souless, like wearing high heels on a beach.
but today... today I think, maybe, I can feel it a bit more. I think I can finally smell something, in the air - that yes this is the smell of new york, that kernel of understanding of where I am, the place, in me. Maybe it's the fact that new york only truly seems alive in winter, like dreams of snow and ice and fairytale, and lies dead from sunshine in summer. I don't know why but finally things are beginning to make sense; the taste of wind is sharp and bitter and as the nights grow longer and longer the dreams stretch like tracks beneath my feet that I can run forever in
What that I get, this smell of new york - the stink of humanity, the wet rain that smells like cruelty and rubbery exhaust, the slick of pavements glitter with trains roaring beneath; aging monsters with hot gysers of steam, through the cracks and seams like grumpy horrors and wind that tastes like brittle cruelty. Brittle. that's the taste I get the most of. I think. New york is like salt.
maybe that's why I never feel comfortable enough here, I was never one for salt.
Anyway things are moving fast now, and I hope - more will be illuminated soon. You can't force understanding to come faster, so might as well enjoy being ignorant while you can. After all, it is a kind of bliss?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:36 p.m.+
