tired.... my concentration is off-loop. i just feel so drained. magdalen came over to keep me company today, but i just felt so.... dunno, can't be arse-ish and felt kinda bad for it. it was really sweet of her to bring candy and chocolate, but i'm just not hungry. i made pasta as well since it's easy but that's it really.
drained. drained and empty and hollow
self-recriminations don't go far, but it's hard not to since it's obviously my fault. i called herald sun today to put an ad on the paper and the girl was like: 'why not just go walmart and buy a $5 bear?' and i wanted to bang my head on the wall. i just can't give up but at the same time it just feels more and more hopeless..... i called taxi company again, and Victoria Taxi Directorate (transport authority), then I called all the police stations and federal police and even the 2nd hand camera shops along lonsdale and elizabeth just in case anyone walks in with either cameras.
i want to sleep, i can't sleep.
there's just....so much i hate right now. why did i do that? why didn't i check? why? if i could i would erase the last few days and replay it all over again so that and i would do anything to live it all over again. i just miss him so much. i miss him like i miss a part of myself; an arm or a leg or a shadow. something that is gone and is gone and hasn't fully sunk in yet; i keep looking over the edge of my bed to see if he will reappear, or wait for the sound of cars and dropping, i look up at the sky and wish on clouds and stars and the hairline of a moon and wish and pray and wish with everything; i'd promise to be good. i'd promise to be tidy. i'd promise to hand up all my work on time and not slack. i'd promise to hop on one leg for 30mins and i'll even promise not to eat cake ever again if you can give him back to me.
i'm not big on praying, but i've never prayed so hard in my life. i pray the moment i'm awake, just before i sleep, walking in the supermarket i'm praying in my head. i pray on trams and on streets and on telephones when i grip anxiously for a reply, that yes he's safe and warm and inside some local police office and i can pick him up and we'll be together again. i pray to all the gods; jesus, allah, buddha, mithras, zeus, jupiter and the gods of kitchen and small things; the kami-samas of nature and the chicken god that alicia says will bring me luck.
mostly it just feels like anguish
i think of the hollow inside; a hollow between my arms where he's supposed to be. the hollow that is between my neck and my cheek when i sleep, and my head lolls downwards because he just isn't there anymore, and i still haven't quite gotten used to it. i wake up looking for a hug, but it's just me and myself and it's so lonely now....so lonely without my friend, my best friend. my oldest friend.
i feel nothing. i can't quite bring myself to care about anything else. concern washes over me like water, but i just.... can't. i can't feel knowing that he might be somewhere, cold and unloved in a bin. i can't. i can't care and it just fucking hurts so much, it hurts so much to care because all it feels is like someone ripping your heart out and then you realise that the only person to blame is you.
i want to cry, but bearbear is gone and i have no one else to cry on.
i think of all the days we had together; so warm like sunshine. it washes over in years that don't feel like any years, wordless. i don't even know how to say it. how do you compress a lifetime into words? it's like, you loved so long you can't even remember how it started. was it a look, a glance or a sudden sense of being right? all the houses we built and the games we played - mattresses over pianos for roofs and blankets as thatching as we hid from robbers and made treehouses from nothing but air. weak ribena syrup as our vampiric blood as we feasted on glories on the double-decker bed; and used kor's neck pillow as our table. then picnics indoors, and then - dreams.
i hold you so close to keep all nightmares at bay.
do you remember the first nightmare? i was 7 and kor and his friends had come over and we were all watching 'are you afraid of the dark.' the episode was 'quicksilver' and the monster came out of the wall. even today, i hate the feeling of being near walls, and i always line my blanket against it. i held you so close that night, i couldn't sleep. skeletal hands crawling all over my skin; like bugs. i remember waking up sweaty, and mom complaining about the noise. i remember crying. it was the first time i learnt how to cry without sound, so that my head would be buried in your neck and you would soak up all the tears and never say anything.
and then after, each time.
i wonder if you can rememeber, can taste
all the times i've cried on to your skin.
like the things i never could bring myself to say
you would never tell my secrets
i miss you so much, it feels like i've lost my heart. i want you, i need you, please come back to me. please.
+tsu waited for you at 01:36 a.m.+
D:
+tsu waited for you at 11:27 p.m.+
I'm in that kind of happy, expansive mood that is artifically enhanced by endless replayings of KAT-TUN's D-Motion. Yes, I love auto-tune, and bad syth and awesomely bad lyrics like: "Feel the beat I busted that burning up ur body bxxxxxx" HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE IT? I mean, it's so awful it's awesome. Awfulsome xDDD
I also really like the perf. Kame's bad hair and all xDDD
Today was good. Actually, today and yesterday was good. I got the break I needed (before my mind exploded) and wrote a kinki kids story for nonbiriyasan. Meiji Restoration!! I think also, very dreamy kind of day yesterday. Then today a bit lighter and felt better, and did stretching exercises too.
AHHHH I feel like getting Geolens or something retarded like that, I think it'll look cool? LOL! I've always wanted green eyes! hahahaha~ but maybe not, I'm quite happy looking at me right now (although I kinda wish my hair wasn't so short DDDD: it'll take forever to grow! DDDD:) Other than that, nothing really happening *shrug* just packing, and preparing to go back. I just have so much stuffff, and when I look at it I just wanna go =_=;;;; *lookaway* AVOIDDDDD!!
Just downloaded YamaNade ep3......meh, I skipped ep2. I'm sorry, I'm just not a drama TV person D: I never finished watching House. Or 4400. Or Madmen (managed up to 10 eps! woohoo!). YamaNade is pretty good though, it's got a good mix of horror + lame + funnyshit and the girl is pretty good. At least I'm kinda following....even if I don't really have the patience for anything else :/
okay back to packing
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:43 p.m.+
My level of pissedoffness is like... MAXIMUM today. Almost every single thing is set to piss me off to hell and beyond and I just want to kill something, someone, anyone.
Trying to contain extreme rage via continual looping of KAT-TUN and Bejeweled Blitz. Ok. Maybe should be more specific. kdashkdasbkibasdhdfhufuf KEYBOARDSMASHRAGE!!!
Saturday photoshoot again, for the android one. I'M SO FUCKING GLAD IT'S OVER I NEVER HAVE TO WORK WITH XXX AGAIN. ARGH. I don't know why, but her current attitude really annoyed me :/ and she used to be so nice too. It's that feel of 'I'm-better-than-you' that I can't stand. OK, I know you're insecure and blah blah, but it was really fucking annoying and kept picking on my method of organisation and doing things. Don't like it? GTFO. (come to think of it, Jiawei has that same attitude problem at times when I absolutely cannot cannot stand her) I am NOT like -whatever- you say. I'm not always bloody happy and dorky and if you're so envious of me being optimistic I'm going to say: TOO BAD. LEARN TO BE HAPPY. ARGH. Even last week, some of their combined comments made me angry personally.
Anyway she was about 2hrs late so kaixin and I just waited....and waited and waited and waited and I got kinda worried cos I had to meet dad at 5pm and DASKDFFKDASHDFAH!! I probably wasted 2hrs of my life waiting aimlessly at the shop. Then more people came and they kept chitchatting and NOT CHANGING! and I was like WTF I'M WASTING MY FUCKING TIME and in the end I had to call mom to pick me up because it ended so late. And since it was Thaipusum the traffic was horrendeous and I basically reached home JUST in time to hop from one car to another. Had crabs for dinner in Tuas with dad, came home and promptly K.O'ed so tired.
Then Sunday dimsum, then photoshoot with sak + vivian and OMG ARGH J;LKAFHADSFFDAHSFDKJ!! Jiawei was like, 2 FUCKING HOURS LATE and she didn't even apologise and it threw my entire schedule off the fucking wall. She was almost 2 HOURS LATE (again) and then had the audicity to bitch. D00DE. There's a reason why handphones and google and ASKING PEOPLE was invented. ARGH so fucking annoyed. Photoshoot was okay, just hot and tiring and so bloody far at Hougang :/ in the end, had to cab. By the time the shoot finished it was 8pm so I called mom and told her I'll have dinner out since I have to take a bus to Hougang MRT---->Douby GhautMRT----->174---->home. Ended up coming home around 11.30pm at night, and it was really tiring but I couldn't sleep! I felt too warm D: just spent the night tossing sleeplessly
Woke up tired, rushed down to Konata and Ruby and picked up my contacts while dropping off e6s. The b/ws came out great! actually I was suprised how good some of them were - sometimes I don't really feel anything and it turns out looking much better than I thought I guess. That was the ONLY good thing that happened today cos the rest was shit. I forgot my housekeys, so left stranded. I was hot, tired and thirsty and the 174 nearly KILLED me (the bus was careening off each corner since it was so stuffed with people and I kept pressing up against other smelly passengers.) Then I couldn't find my JM dress when I was packing and threw ALL MY CLOTHES on the floor in a desperate search for it. DESPERATE. zomg.
by the time today ends life will be 1000xxx better. it seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. I got so pissed off all the pent up rage from the past few months came back and I just couldn't talk to anyone at all and audy was like D: but okay after I ranted for like 30mins straight about the State of Universe and how pissed off I have been at certain people. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. DX
k off to bed now. cooled off and watched oldskool Gackt vids, domoto kyoudai and KT. loooool~~~ nothing like japanese entertainment circuit to generate hilarity esp. the gackt "talkshow" ep about AI TO ZETSUBOU. win!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:37 p.m.+
It's a very strange feeling, to be nostalgic. Waking up feels less refreshing than a dip into a lake of honey, and your mind is drugged and hazy with sunshine and heat. These past few days have been so hot I've had difficulty focusing. Something about being in a haze all the time, time stretching languid and loose and sunshine so bright its too painful to even consider....
Today I woke up to the fan, early. 10.30am. I woke up to the fan and the sound of it made me think of long afternoons in secondary school and staring out of the window in a beige classroom and the drone of Add Math and the scrawl of beautiful boys drawn on graph paper. It makes me think of Yoshiki's brown hair I so faithfully saved, makes me think of 3pm afternoons doing CL B, makes me think of the taste of $2 ham pies from takashimaya - brown and crisp and warm after reading in Kinokuniya. It's a dreamlike fondness, like listening to hide singing dice. It's like the sound of a man singing happily even though (morbidly) he's dead - from a distance, the fast guitars drown out the waltzing love replicas....
je suis...
je t'amie
Anyway, warm. Saturday was warm too, doing the photoshoot. It started out quite badly I think, but kaixin is wonderful to work with even if the other isn't.... no, not quite. I just don't like the feeling of people picking on me, or assumptions on my 'untidiness' and 'disorganisation'. But y'know, one of my better points is that I know how to ignore and work around idiots. There's no point fighting because she's my model and I still have to work with her
Morning was pretty rushed, and I slept badly on Friday too. What to do? I felt so stressed with everything. *sighs* I was on the internet and sewing and checking lists and everything all while sweating like a pig. SO HOT :(!!!! Orchard Central was the shitz too, bloody crowd that caused the security gaurd to come over :/
The worst was the Singaporean - ARGH! I hate them. Narrow-minded, ignorant, rude, uncultured, boorish......absolutely disgusting. Shooting in the city was a pain, everywhere we went we were stalked. I don't believe in the: 'It's YOUR Fault for Dressing Weird' because that kind of logic is fatal - no persons is public property and everyone has the right to be treated with courtesy and respect. That kind of thinking will put domestic violence victims to blame ('she was just ASKING for it!) as well as perpetuating unessescary sterotypes about people of other races ('aiyah, he's just a mat lah.') ARGH SO ANNOYING!
The worst incident was the one about the parent telling her daughter to hit my model - conversation as follows:
girl: 'mommy is that person real?'
mother: 'aiyah, go punch and see if real or not!'
and when I scolded her mother and her, she just gave me this STUPID LAUGH. Then there was this d00de that just REFUSED to stop taking photos even though he kept saying 'yes yes yes' and had this stupid smirk on his face. SINGAPOREANS AND THEIR STUPID SELF-ENTITLEMENT COMPLEXES!! ARGHHHHH!! I'm just speechless in disgust. SPEECHLESS.
RAWR!!!
Then Sunday went to visit poh-poh and gong-gong...originally mom and I were supposed to have dimsum together, but she changed the sheets so late that the entire room was full of dust and I kept coughing and sneezing and stratching and couldn't sleep till 5am even though I was dead tired from the photoshoot the night before. My eyes were actually red from dust and only after I took a shower again and popped more clarinase did it stop. I think being in singapore has made me more sensitive to dust too :/ since the air itself is dusty and makes me phlegm-y :(
Then Monday went to office to do Dad's Thing, 'cept he didn't realise that not everyone has a car and going to Tuas is fukking far. It was boiling at 12noon when I walked out of the office in search of the elusive bustop.....which was all the way at the recylcing centre. BOILING. And so dusty too :/ The moment I reached Jurong Point I immediately went to the washroom to wash my face, arms and hands. OMG all the dusssssssssssssssst Dx then I stopped for a quick lunch, and headed off to Outram Park. My dress was nearly done, and the tailor said come back in 30mins so she can fix the buttons so I went to Peinsula Plaza to drop my film off at Ruby and buy new film. LOOOOL the aunty at Ruby was so funny! She thought I had skipped school to drop film off xDDDD;;;; ahhahahaha how old do you think I look?! that was pretty funny XD;;;
Then went back to Outram to collect my dress, buy homemade soya bean and take a bus back home. First thing I did? SHOWER. Omg it was so bloody hot lor D: Then mom called to say she'll skip swimming because she was tired from work, and I fell asleep after that and we napped together when she came back lol ^^;;; it was pretty funny because I fell asleep while reading and she saw me sleeping so she fell asleep too. Woke up around 7.30pm and had a quick dinner :D
Then today, stayed in and kept quiet and read a lot of books. Well, re-read is more like it. But OK, it was a good thing because I was really tired from the past few days and needed to stay in a bit if not my head would explode. Anyway today was good for dreaming - I woke up thinking I should blog anyway, so I knew it was a good day for it. I think I probably sleep far too much, but sleeping is my way of organising things; I feel physically sick if I don't sleep.... like the time jiawei and I stayed up all night and I barfed my (empty) guts out because I felt so sick at not sleeping..... So, um. rambling over. But it was nice. Nice like honey and waffles and captain crunch :D
TMR: go bank, cut hair, kino, daiso and imaginarium of dr. paranuss!!! :D
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:08 a.m.+
It feels almost I have no time to update anymore, except that I should. I'm probably sleeping too much, disorientated from days and time. When I sleep and wake up, sometimes I still feel the residue of dreams struggling behind my eyeballs - some good, some bad. It bothers me a lot less now that I've kinda accepted it....still, I had a very good dream a few weeks ago. Good enough for me to wonder.... I was in London, and I had just come home. Turning the key, the door was dark wood with a hefty grill, and old but clean white-cream walls. Red sofa, plush and from Ikea? The room was laid out like and L shape, with an open kitchen and from the windows I could breathe in the bitter-salty taste of snowy(?) winter. There was 3 other voices, and my room was the 2nd furthest, along the coridoor. I dropped my books (storybooks), and woke up
It feels so real somehow, almost like I could taste it....isn't it a pity I didn't check what school it was or where was the place? Who else was living with me? Which time was this is? But it felt so natural. It felt like 'another-day' and waking up - it felt so disorientating. I almost expected snow.
Then a few more dreams - some senseless, some just plain weird and some IDK.... I find it harder and harder to wake up though; don't tell anyone but sometimes I wake up at 4.30pm in the afternoon and I cannot cannot figure out why.
Anyway, week in context: Saturday watched Avatar again with dad and mahmah, then had dinner at Kuriya dining which was SO AWESOME. UNBELIAVABLY AWESOME CHIRASHI. BEST I EVER HAD! and yes, it totally deserved such capslocking glory. Because. It seriously *IS* mindblowing. Very very very good. Mahmah was kinda a pain in the butt, but when is she ever not? Anyway. Kuriya. SPEECHLESSLY AWESOME AND YOU MUST DEFINITELY TRY.
Sunday ran around looking for Kaixin for fitting, then went to Jacob's Children Garden with Sak and Vivien (groupmate, not kor's gf) and then back to my place to figure out photoshoot urgh urgh puke puke :/ regulations in SG are toughhhhhh :( But yeah, Sunday was a bit too much of a rush - I just wanted to go home and get away from stupid people :(
Then Monday had dinner with Gloria and Steffi and it was kinda awkward at first, but settled in the end...we ate so much that my stomach felt like lead and I couldn't sleep. Steffi is vegetarian, so we had a piles of potatoes, rice, poppadoms etc etc basically carbo overload :/ and earlier I purposely went to buy yakitori as well cos I was feeling tired and woozy. I think cannot not have meat in my diet, oh well. Anyway it was really good, and the kulfti was really delicious too!<333
And today we had crabs for dinner! and met auntie Cassandra :D it was really REALLY good zomg I <3 the crab beehoon <3 it was absolutely delicious although the pepper crab did go up my nose a bit and made me sneeze :/ I found it a bit salty too, but overall it was really great<3333
Have a mild craving to eat shokudo cafe tomorrow...should I? I could send all my mail tomorrow early, then hop down for a really awesome lunch + deposit cash :DDD Then afterwards go to CHIJ (143) and pay a visit to teachers...and bring some fruits and news! I think it'll be nice. Better sleep now though, then I can be up in time
wish my lilychouchou would dl though! :/ still missing 1 part. Oh well.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:41 a.m.+
Tonight smells nice. It smells nice in the way it smells right to me - that kind of familarness that I'll always associate with Singapore, with home. It's like a very comfortable type of feeling, breathing in gulpfuls of this night-smell that makes me think of November moons and red skies make up of poppies waiting for tomorrow, for morning showers. It's that smell, like routine. Instinctively recognizable as part of home. It settles me, my feet touches the floor as I type today.
Changed the text again, it was just so terribly large and clunky looking. I'd rather strain my eyes and use a ctrl+++ key than live with ugly font. Too bad I guess, but as a consolation I've kept the size 12 instead of size 10 font, even though I've reverted back to 1. I suppose I should really change the layout soon too, it's been what - almost a year?
Mostly I've been busy preparing for the photoshoot(s). The first one is the android one which is giving me the most worry :x I just feel that no one else is taking this shoot seriously except me....and you know how I feel about that. I might be a demanding perfectionist, but at least I do an amazing job at being close to perfect. And this shoot is really important to me, because I put so much work into it. I guess I just don't feel the same dedication from my models; who have not met me for fittings and such. Most disappointing is kuro, whom I have worked with before. Getting a date and time from her was difficult enough, and then sorting out outfits was equally difficult. It was only when I brought up that this would be published then I had some *serious* answers. ARGH :(
On the other hand, the children's clothing campaign one seems to be going really well. I have ideas; and the duo (sakky and vivien) are such lovely designers + wonderful people. It makes me want to do more for them, and put my very best :D We're running on a theme of wendy's girls (or at least that's what I'm calling it in my head) Which is kind of like a gossamer Peter-Pan; soft and floaty and dreamylike. I keep thinking it'll look so good in water or paper lanterns and dusky sunsets, like the sound of feet running like wind...flying
Also picked up some comics; Batman's Haunted Knight (last of the trilogy, woohoo!!!), Unwritten (new stuff, looks good) and House of Mystery 1+2 (willingham, same d00de who did fables). House of Mystery is decent but nothing new whereas Unwritten is rather spectacular in a gaiman-meets-harry-potter way. I keep feeling Narnia overtones too, but it could just be the adventure aspect talking. Stories about stories. It reads like a labyrinth of trump l'oeil images.
I don't know. Sometimes I think living here is lulling me into a false sense of security. It's that sense of softness, that cocooning sensation of being wrapped up in green and hidden away until the custard that runs in my veins sinks and breathes fresh blood again. But it doesn't really work like that, right? I guess it's that fear, that lick of whatif that keeps me at my toes even when there's no monsters around the corner. I mean, I'm glad for this year, superduper unbelievably thankful with tons of good luck type of gratefulness but yea, know the story about how mortals shouldn't be too happy or they'll get smithe down? Yeah. Like that.
But y'know
I'm pretty happy :D
Yesterday I also had the strangest conversation. It was strange because I didn't think of it as strange until later when I was lying in bed, still awake. I don't sleep very well, too many dreams. But anyway I was just thinking of that, and then suddenly it's that sinking feeling of ohshitfuckyea and it hits you like a punch to the socket-
seems like kore wa destiny?! thing might just end up being true :/
It's not nessescarily a bad thing. You can love someone without being in love with them, so in the same way I can negotiate it safely in the confines of my compartmentalised head. It's just...I dunno...It's just strange to realise that the joke you had when you were kids just proves to be true y'know? That yea, some things are just like that. Destiny. It's kinda odd because when I sorted it out last year and found a proper center I didn't really consider such a developement....which is unbearably short-sighted on my part :x I guess I just don't like surprises that much after all LOL
the arteries are clogging in the mainframe
there's too much info in the pipes
Oh yeah, Sunday was spent with Sak and Vivien to go over the photoshoot requirements and stuff (plus they helped me sew! yay) then Sak stayed over to sew and talk crap and then went to see her again on Monday (lol) where we had dinner at Manppoku and zomg AYA IS RIGHT and the tarts are full of wonderfulness. I really like the blueberry one. I usually like mont blanc a lot, but not mont blanc with so much bananna, kiwi and apples!!!! those fruits I totally hate.
Anyway tomorrow is back to TP again, this time to go over makeup. I'm sadly more excited about this than my own shoot, but I guess it's shikata nai since my collaboraters seem kinda dunno...disinterested. It makes me feel disinterested too :( But Arabesque is up and running again, which is cool beans. If I get into my pgrad in London (which I MUST!) then jac, an and i are planning a fabulous Let's-All-Meet-In-London thing<3333 mostly I'm just excited about living in a city again and having a new landscape to shoot. Melbourne is just boring (or at least, the city is) You can cover the entirity of it pretty quick.
OK back to work!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:07 p.m.+
Dinner with Gloria on Tuesday, and it was lovely to catch up with her. Couldn't get Steffi 'cos she was at the airport, but we had a great time anyway! Even managed to get a last minute birthday macaron gift set from TWG for mom, and caught up with life and stuff.....it's kinda creepy to hear that everyone is breaking up (Natz, Gloria, Jacquelyn etc) left right and centre though. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't really invest too much in relationships after all. I mean all their breakups were relatively amicable ('cept for J's, which was kindofnotreally messy) but the idea of being with someone for 6 years and breaking up just seems kinda timewasting to me. Oh well, what do I know? I'm a serial dater, not a relationship expert!
But yeah, it was really good talking to her and we had a lovely dinner (soba!!) and dessert as well. It's nice to speak to someone who knows you well enough that you don't have to explain every sentance, and just relax. Like being sarcastic is OK cos you know that no one's feelings is going to be hurt.
Spent the night talking to J and An, and zomg sleep!crashed at 7am @_@ this is what happens when you have intercontinental gmail chats (north america, europe, asia). No one's time difference makes sense at all! But it's good, and seems like Arabesque is restarting again and everyone is quite raring to go :D
Then Wednesday!!! Mom's birthday!!! It was so funny because I put her present next to her bedside table, and she walked right past it in the morning so I had to call her LOL she liked it very much though, so all's good :D :D :D I think she liked the caramel/black tea one best.
We had such a lovely time too<3333 rolled in the morning for an jiao, then had laksa for lunch and walked HV a bit since I haven't been there for a long time and bought some trimmings for the OP. Went home and wasn't sleepy, so I started sewing and mom joined in! Actually it was really fun and relaxing to sew together. I think mom was surprised at how careful/good my sitching is, considering I'm usually so messy....LOL, I think I sew better than her now xD then afterwards we both changed for dinner and wore matching ribbon styles! LOL so cute<3
Dinner at Fish Market Bistro and it was pretty good, despite the drizzle. The sashimi is squeaky fresh, and the portions for sharing was perfect. Suggested going to TWG for dessert since mom has never been there, and also I knew that deep down she wanted to try xD xD then when we were there I got the service staff to sing happy birthday and then we had tea and cake and it was just a really happy, wonderful day. We walked around a bit too, and checked out the stores in ION and the new Opera Gallery (mom likes the balloon ones!). I'm just glad she had a nice time, birthdays only come once a year and yeahhhhh it was really relaxing for her too
And then the next few days was just sewing, watching discovery channel and more sewing. I finished outlining all the appliques in sequinns, now I'm doing the bead glit along the edges of the curves. The only thing left to do is the inside of the appliques and the beads along the neckline and waistbow and then we're good to shoot. It's surprisingly quick to sew, and I'm glad for that because it would be hell if it wasn't x_X;;; It really does look much improved though lol I think my version is actually nicer than AP's since I'm doing all instead of just the front only.
Mostly, quietly. It's just nice, easy living. Like dancedancedance all over again, your feet slipping easily, slowing down. It's nice to be waltzing when everyone is on chachacha, you can feel the ground with skimming feet and a swish while everyone else is rushing about on a foxtrot billyhop. Yeah, well. Nice. That's all I can think of really.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:58 a.m.+
This week has been pretty great - went to visit grandparents on Sunday, and since it was just mom and I without the rest of them it was much quieter and better. Just sat around reading Will Self's Dorian and talking to gong gong po po. Had yam cake and go lu yok, and tried fu zhouk stew! Very delicious, shall try making it next time.
Then Monday went to Effects to give the omiyage (wow, can't think of a better term) to David and Amos, as well as to defer internship till after I graduate. Frankly I'm not keen on working for like....2 and a half weeks, especially since that means that I won't be able to spend time with mom. I think he understood though, why. My logic is like - it's a short time period, I'm only back once a year, what can I learn in approx. 2weeks plus since I'm only back once a year, I should spend that time with mom instead anyway.
Went to run errands; dropped by at Spotlight, then Pearl centre to get cupcake dress done and then headed done to Paya Lebar Singpost to get my marionette OP out of customs. Ended up being shuttled between ICA and Singpost because they both couldn't figure WHERE it went and was so exasperating. Finally called, and got some ridiculous answer of : 'oh you can only collect it tmr because to have to make an appointment' and snapped. I was in the SAME building as this woman picking up, barely 50m away from her (she was at counter 2 singpost) and wtf?! I had to call to get an answer, and even moreso, come back the next day?! Negotiated, and then they said I could collect it in 1 hr's time. Sent all my letters to UK, Aust, Japan then re-queued again to FINALLY get my OP. I'm just happy it's safe and sound, and didn't get hit by custom fees.
Was so tired going home I fell asleep on the bus, dragged myself upstairs and then realised OH SHIT- that I left my POSB card at singpost counter. Was too tired to care, so I just showered and K.O'ed till mom woke me up to go have dinner with auntie mageret and vanessa. Was pretty fun, although vanessa seemed to be hit by a combination of american cynicism and ennui LOL but she loosened up during the end of dinner, and it was more fun. Then auntie mageret brought out these photos of when we were 8/9 and zomgggggg Dx DX DX I was wearing this awful tartan monstrousity and weirdly enough, the same red hairband I wore today during the dinner. It's kinda scary how little I change.
Went to Isetan to pick up tsuyu, and Radley (singapore) was on sale too! So I went to look. And got a new wallet (again.) It's blue (again) and has like compartments for reciepes, notes, purikura, coins, cards etc etc as much as I like the one I have, it's impractical for me because it's really too small (like today, I just lost my card while stuffing the reciept in. I can't afford to do that in Aust where my card is linked to visa! D:) I think I can only start using a smaller wallet when I live alone or with yien because otherwise I usually take care of all the household accounting for 3 of us, and it's just not possible to keep 1 month's worth of reciepts in my current wallet :/
Afterwards went home, showered, read TIMES magazines (backdated issues) and slept. Then now it's 3am and I woke up again since I slept too early =_______=;;;;;;;;;; Having such a bad sleeping pattern is supposed to affect your complexion and shit, but ZOMG so far my complexion has been so good it's crazy. People keep thinking I'm wearing makeup since it's really *really* good lately. I think it's a combination of being stress-free + lots of water + SkinFood/FaceShop. When yien comes back I'm going to introduce her to Skin Food, because it's ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS and OMG I'M NOT ALLERGIC TO THEIR STUFF *_____* for a skin-hypoallergic, that's pretty amazing. I'm allergic to citric acid, alcohol, fragrance and a whole bunch of chemicals that even brands like L'Occitane (which touts itself to be wholesome and natural) is out for me. Therefore, finding a brand I can use = JOY.
IDK. It's like over the last 3 months I've suddenly prettified to the point that the immigration counter doesn't recognise my passport photo anymore ;O; at the HK immigration the d00de actually pointed to the photo and said: 'is this you' in that doubtful way before letting me through. Maybe I'm finally over with the whole adolescene thing of looking like a gawky teenager. Even po po has been telling me I'm suddenly pretty or sth :x I mean, it's nice to hear but a bit O.O;;; at the same time 'cause there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to be suddenly pretty. It's not like I did some magical cosmetic surgery or went through some super-healthy lifestyle change or wtv. I've even managed to finish sprouting my final few cms, so officially I'm the same height as dad now LOL
Tomorrow (or rather today) - go to bank, send the last of the shizzle, dinner with steffi+gloria, home. Then Wednesday is mom's birthday!!! I should plan some kind of surprise. Maybe a bunch of flowers would be good? But mom doesn't really like them since they attract insects and die :/ if I buy chocolates we already have too many in the house, and she'll say I'm making her fat :( hmmmm I'll just sleep on it and think of something.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:16 a.m.+
changed my font size larger. It was becoming illegible even to me!
+tsu waited for you at 01:27 a.m.+
Apecture value; the window of light. Thoughts, swim like flashes of silver on stymied water. (stymied; greek. darkness like squid ink, deathliness; also styx). The year draws itself to focus, a brief splatter of images; HK is awashed with light and drizzling rain, from the harbour the city looms enshrouded in fog, the wet drizzle shining on streets reflecting, skidded and across the water a thousand blur of lights. There is a peculiar beauty in a city in clouds, watching the lights bounce together, glowing in reds, yellows and greens both distinct yet melded - think of the word: laminar
Today sings together like colours. My playlist is filled with music that plucks colours, songs so saturated in ink that I can draw the colours out (each strand as clear and distinctive as a hexa pantone code) My favourite colours are always city colours; colours like Tasogare Restaurent, which is the colour of a glowing 7/11 logo in bright lurid green. Green like the stink of motorcycle oil on a wet puddle, with the light refracting inside the tiny oil slick: irridescent and shockingly clear. Another colour is Marilyn, which sings like the colour of melted french ultramarine.
Zoom in focus, fix the apecture to F1.8. View the snapshots, one month at each time. Trying to pick memories is such a dissatisfying experience - where do you begin? what do you edit? Is a personal goal more important than a group one? How do you measure sadness, how can you comprehend the depth of joy? My eyes wander over each image, unable to weigh them. I think of polaroids, the simple beauty of captured time (like a ball rolling on quantum theory, fixed in place before it can bend space/time). The very frozen-ness misplaced by the palimpest of each re-remembering again.
Mostly, I feel a depth of calm. If I could paint the year instead of writing it, I would. This year has changed me, impossibly. Impossible in the sense that there has been not outward change; nothing noticeable to anyone but myself. I know, that's good enough. Calmness stems from acceptance, acceptance.....where did this acceptance come from?
ahhhhh such a difficult question.
sometimes I think I should be talking to a casette recorder.
but then again, I really don't like to talk about these kinds of things at all
talking is so difficult, isn't it?
hearing your own voice, seems to make it more real
closer
than the distance of spacebar in words
Perhaps the easiest way to say is this: I have finally centred. Centred through acceptance - that yes, I have to accept my own self, with all my faults and little blessings - the illness that has taken such a painful mental and emotional toll on me (even now, I dislike talking about it), my own ambition as an artist and most of all, letting go of a future that I could never have, never requited and perhaps, on hindsight - should have never had.
Sometimes, because it is so hard to have, you want it even more even though it isn't right for you. Sometimes, you pay for it.
Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret what happened, but I never regret what I've become. I regret all those words, the anguish of being lonely and unforgiven, the hate, the unforgivability of it all but now, now I can say it: I forgive you. 5 years is a long time to hold and berate, and ......
and yes, it still hurts
but I forgive you. I forgive me too.
I think of it often, but with no heat in it. I think maybe I just loved you a little too much, because I had no one else to love. Mostly now I think of it the same way one would treat a keloid, the pain is gone and the only thing that remains is an extra piece of flesh, a pigment that blends painlessly on skin. Running a finger over brings no sensation, except perhaps a brief recall of good memories; brief and sweet like honey toast. Gone, it feels gone.
Somehow, between the space of acceptance and forgiveness; I gained something too - gravity. To think of the turmoil in the end of 2008/start of 2009, and compare it to the quiet new year of 2010. It feels.....it feels......undescriable. How do you describe the measure of peace? the gravity of walking with both feet and the power at your fingertips? I think of Maya Angelou's poem: It's the fire in my eyes//
And the flash of my teeth // The swing in my waist //
And the joy in my feet // I'm a woman // Phenomenally.
How strange a term, the passage to adulthood.
Maybe not yet woman, but possibly.......
I think of my lecturer's (Barbara Bolt) words to me, at the end of november. We were having lunch at Ian Potter's, and she said: 'You know what to do. You're a young woman who dares to ask questions.' I admit, her confidence shook me. For the first time, someone saw beyond my childishness, the 'cute' exterior and called me what I was, what I was to become. Not a genderless 'girl', but a 'young woman.' I didn't know what to say after that.
But I think, I can understand - somehow. I feel a stronger sense of power, more than before. Not power in terms of talent or realpolitik or even the gendered power presented by Angelou, but a power that stems from certainty. I am certain, more than ever before, that I want to do art. Passionately, exquisitely, I love art. See, I can say it. I love it so deeply it almost feels like a physical pain, only freed when being done. I am also certain about facing the problems; be it the terrible ups and downs of my condition, and the acceptance of it. It isn't perfect, it isn't going to go away just because I say so but it's also part of me and I can't just hide around it forever. I am calm. It will hurt, but I can weather the storm. Most of all, I am certain that I want to live
Percariously, truthfully, honestly, excitingly, appreciatively, carelessly, lovingly, recklessly - I want to live. There will be dark moments when depression drives me spiralling down down down like the madness of voices that don't exist, when monsters lurk at metaphysical corners, when my family, friends and even my own body betrays me into pain and paranoia and escape seems impossible; but the impluse is there. I want to live. I want to live on, forever.
Is this happiness?
Maybe.
But certainly, there is contentment.
I wonder, is it for the first time - peace?
what a delicious thing to savour
-------------------
On to other things, HK was GREAT! (except, maybe last day. but more on that later) I decided to go on the trip with zero expectations or places to see, and it worked out so much better than trying to hit up all the stores planningly (although I kinda regret not going into Shirley Temple *woe*) Went through lots of shopping and food, but most of all, had a good time with mom
I actually like hongkong in winter. The fog is beautiful in its own way. It reminds me of the movies I like to watch; a romantic city with astounding neon lights and dirt, packed tightly together like termite structures or alien simcity dystopias, the chatter of voices, the press of bodies and the swell of moving humanity - the stink of it, and the singsong voices of cantonese (all nine tones) blending together like a muffled musciality. It's like listening to Jeff Buckley as the water brushes against the edge of concrete bridges, the ferries gliding like toy boats on dark, cold water - so cold, the lights reflected shimmer.
I had tons of fun; dimsum and giong zhong nai (ginger custard) and walking around tong lok wan and meeting new people: Janet and her daughter, Joyce. Briefly: Mongkok is beautiful and the bridges even moreso, you think of an old phrase: venice of asia : hongkong and it never seems so true as now with bridges spanning over sea, bridges spanning over endlessly flowing traffic, bridges spanning right into nothingness - like a glorious Casper David Friedrich painting; urbanised, where the Monk stands by the edge of a concrete Eden, staring out into the absolute Other (of where the sea and sky blended together; a fog, an oblivion, a void. Null set.)
Anyway, I think mom and I really enjoyed it, plus I totally needed a break. The only low point was the last night, when I got hit by a major headache/crowd problem and started to feel tired and anxious. So we went back early, but it ended up being good since mom and I stayed up to watch Densha Otoko (showing on TV) and watching Bear Gryllis xD I love Bear Gryllis! Man VS Wild is like my favourite discovery program in aust.....every monday, 8.30pm at SBS LOL I like it way better than Survivorman (the d00de in SM is a total loser) and then we ate mango desserts in the hotel room and stuff so it ended up pretty great anyway
I also finished about 3 rolls of film (awesomesauce) and gonna have it processed on monday or sth. Watched a movie on the plane - two, actually. Gokusen the Movie (fastforwarded to kame bits) Frankly I had low expectations, so I did enjoy it even it Reita looked like a failed jrocker (with a PERM) and a cliched storyline. Funnnnn~ then I rewatched UP which made me cry buckets during the first 4.5mins. I swear, that first segment is just MEANT to pull your heart and kill you with its sweetness.
came home, unpacked a bit, checked email then K.O'ed
gonna sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:36 a.m.+
I've been thinking a lot lately, or maybe it's just Singapore. Being back here, you can think a lot more. Strange how the traffic is like a voice, the need to speak becomes even less now, over sounds. If living in melbourne is like a spring dream, then singapore is a headlong rush back to madness.
I've been thinking about God. It's not something I like to talk about or even think about. Today I went to church for christmas as I usually do (I only go once a year, but once a year is enough for me) and while stepping about, I felt so irrevocably torn; like the sound of the word : inexorciable. I think ruefully of Mr James's words: that when you're brought up catholic even when you leave the church, you can never really leave it. I guess being in the surroundings, it brings back memories I would rather not touch and feelings I don't really want to remember.
change will come
Growing up, the strongest experience I had in church was not the sense of God but the lack of Godliness. I could sing the words, I could hold the hands of the people next to me but no - I never felt connected to them. I can't help but feel the memories of past humiliations (small hurts, cruel words, things children remember) and sadness that I felt no one understood. Even older, I tried to explain it - but always waved over, ignored. That distasteful flavour of being condescended to, patronised. All those people, some of them what my siblings and mother would consider family would never include me.
what do you see
when you dream of a white christmas
I don't like talking about it. I really don't.
I just can't stop crying, that's all.
Familar but distant. Walking through hallways and wood that echo faintly with laughter and tears, the hours I spent on my knees and head bowed over incense and muttered blessings, the times I ran away unknowing, to the statue of Mary by the pond now full of muck and weed and waiting and waiting and waiting for it to go away and that ache, that heartache of knowing that you are truly alone
it just hurts, that ache
i feel it drawn like the poisoned string of a cello
it feels like a scream
I just. I just don't know how to say it. That anguish and all that hypocrisy; and wondering - of all people, why me? Why did they love my mother and my sister and my brother so much, and yet whenever they approached me, I could sense that, that pity. Like an apsoluate approaching a monster infront of a crowd, trying to work a miracle to gain glory. Did anyone ever think, in those parables, if Lazarus was happier dead and in peace?
[truncated]
I just, argh. Don't. Wanna. Think/Talk. About it anymore.
My level of discomfort about talking about this is akin to talking about imagining my siblings dating people; which hovers around a perpetual state of OMG. GROSS! kind of thing. It's not that I have something to repress, but I just have difficulty picking the right words and nuances to carry the meaning across. I don't want to oversimplify the issue to 'omg angst! ronery childhood' but at the same time I don't want to complicate it into some managled psychoanalytical approach. I don't really know who to talk to about this as well; my family will never understand the depth of what I feel towards the church because they never experienced it themselves. I mean, they were happier there than they were in school.
It's just, today, feels like a rollacoaster.
Ahhhh shikata nai, it's better to just think of nice things and going hongkong tomorrow! I really should pack!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:06 p.m.+
Recently I've been thinking about the future - I went to CW on Monday and collected the cheque, and recieved an unexpected windfall. I thought of chucking it in the bank, but SG's interest rate is so miserable that any money put into the bank (under savings) automatically depreciates. I still have a unit trust I opened with mom 3 years ago and gu jie suggested opening a stock brokering account since I'm finally legal to trade.
I'm not adverse to investing, oddly enough. It has nothing to do with the family, but more with commonsense and math. Inflation rises at 7% p.a, interest rate in banks is 1.2% so technically speaking it's like a -5% depreciation rate. I really don't see the point of making myself poorer in terms of value, especially since I might have to end up being a Straving Artist (tm). So to be a less starving artist sterotype, having a passive income through dividends was ideal. It's not gonna be enough to quit having a day job, but it provides a comfortable cushion against sg's inflation rate and also since the family has a team of financial advisors why not I just use them? It's free anyway, so might as well.
Mostly I'm interested only in bluechip stock; something relatively stable, government backed, preferably an oligopoly/monopoly/state-run interest of something like utilities (everyone needs water!), transport (everyone takes a bus!) or telecomns (where else will we get internet?) It's not like totally risk-free, but I reckoned that 1. I'm young, no responsibilities so I can afford to take calculated risks 2. I'm not speculating or doing contra 3. I'm holding them long-term, so I can ride out most market flucuations. 4. I'm not planning to sell, it's mostly for dividends so spending more on safer stock is OK.
I've thought over my choices deeply, and I think I'm doing the right thing. I've talked to a lot of people, some outside the family to bring perspective. (you'll never read this but thank you auntie margaret :D) Doing like this mean I'll have good assets and diversified risk, plus it looks good for credit rating in case I ever need to buy a hdb flat or something lol...... but really, it's better than leaving money to idle. After all, wasn't there a parable in the Bible about burying gold in the ground?
Other than that, I've been meeting lots of people lately. Met dad for dinner on Sunday and bought him pilot pens for xmas (lol) Not just any pilot pen, but the super-bright turqoise colour LOL know why? 'cause he wants a distinctive colour to write his comments on reports and he doesn't want black because it can be photocopied LOL even better, china doesn't sell pilot pens! Anyway I assured him that if you tried to photocopy this colour it'll turn out light grey, and also that it was really bright BRIGHT (I should know, I used to write my essays with them). Plus also cheapest xmas gift ever - if it split it with my siblings, it's only $9/person.
And then rather jaw-droppingly, he gave me an iPod Touch for xmas *jawdrop*
It's like....the most awesome thing he's ever given, except that I'm technologically incompetent(!). I guess I'll have to study the instruction manuel. Or something. Ack. Hopefully I figure it out.
Then evening went to Po-Po's house and had lovely food (ate so much again, waiii) but I was dead tired by that time since I've been out the whole day, and the past week as well. I missed seeing Gong-gong and Po-po though, but Gong-gong seemed to be in better spirits than the last time I saw him which is good :D Also, fu zhouk bak go soup!!!<333 omg I ate so much fu zhouk<33333
Monday went to CW in the morning to collect the cheque, then afternoon met up with JW at raffles city to buy film from Ruby. Went home to roll katamaris (she tagged along) and finally finshed all the leftovers (thank god.) Then today I went to KES first and opened the account, dropped a cheque and talked to a relationship manager at DBS, went down the city to meet Rachel Kwan (pianica) and we had tea/breakfast/lunch at TWG and omg it was so DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!<3<3<3 the food was made all the better by the wonderful company :D she's so cool and nice!<3 Then we went to Kino Liang Court and went around oooo-ing and ahhh-ing over Shinzi Katoh since both of us were zakka addicts. Had a break at Tanpopo Deli and OMG THEY NOW HAVE MONT BLANC(?!) IT'S SO GOOD I SQUEED IN HAPPINESS<3 It was such a lovely afternoon, and I had such a wonderful time with her :D we promised to write to each other too!
Went home for dinner and mom invited auntie mageret whom I haven't met for donkey-ages. Waiiii everyone looks the same! It's so nice to catch up with her, and she said some really interesting things as well. I think I had a good week, even though I'm rather tired now. I like meeting people and going out, but tomorrow I just want to stay in and sleep in and maybe go swimming later if the weather is nice and pool uncrowded. I've had my fill of socialising this week (and last!) and all I want to do is curl up with bearbear and a book
Just a thought: Wouldn't it be cool if bearbear could redeem his frequent flyer points?? He'll have tons of mileage!!
Other than that my sleep schedule is totally fucked up. I keep sleeping early (around 11pm) and waking up at 2am, 3am, etc that kind of thing. I can't seem to sleep properly, which makes me feel drained during the day. Hopefully it sorts itself out soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:29 a.m.+
I'm disconcertingly awake. I haven't slept at all. I typed the previous entry at 3am, and now it's 7am and I was rolling in bed for the last 4am fighting to go to sleep, to not feel like the motion of boats, the suspension of being in the dark and in the air, the illusion of being in Melbourne and the disorientating feeling when you think you are straight be is actually sideways....does any of that make sense at all?
I can't sleep because I'm too busy chasing images that keep me awake; not just the stresses of work and stuff, but things like the photoshoot where image after image comes flooding through and I can't sleep because I get all excited thinking about shooting this, all the different looks. I think I'll love this shoot a little more than usual, because it's inspired by one of my favourite movies in the world 2046 by Wong Kar Wai.
Why do I like it so much? It's not his best work: it's a butt-cracking 3hr long movie filled with overly complicated narrative and bleak as Edgar Allan Poe. There is no beginning, there is no ending and the feel of it is like a dying man knowing he has cancer. Thing is, what you love is not nessescarily best or most famous or most liked, it's something that speaks directly to you
The deep sadness, the delayedness and parting and briefness; the dense green and reddish casts and that slow mournful percussion opening that is a painful as a dirge. I remember scenes as clearly as yesterday: the christmas taxi ride, and the slow chestnuts roasting on an open fire as Zhang Ziyi leans her head down, and rests upon his shoulder with the city lights flickering across her face like a shifting landscape of fireflies. I love the scene where they stand on the balcony and the sky is overcast but luminous; close but distant at the same time. Most of all I love the scene in the train best, when she looks up and finally.....FINALLY a corner of her lips move but before we can see it, the camera cuts to black, leaving us with a stillborn smile.
So like that, I'm basing a look off the movie. Like that, I will have my android girls perfectly dressed. Not for love, but for money. See I had this dream, this idea of mixing Monopoly (boardgame) as a metaphor and all the cool futuristic buildings in singapore as a kind of space-scape and my beautiful android girls doing everyday things like drawing money from ATM, eating cake with a kind of cool dangerous beauty, so cold it burns. With them, the sense of delayness.
Do you understand? I'm talking to myself again, talking to a void of the screen. Frankly I don't care. These marionette girls I see, they spin like robotic dancers on a monopoly play; a shout, laughter and then the dice rolls again. But these sounds are only dreams, because it takes them too long, too old, to learned to change. I want to see it come to life so much. I know if I can't do it in Singapore I'll have to wait till I go London or something because it cannot be done in Melbourne. It isn't cold enough, or bleak enough and doesn't have that sharp edge feeling of living in a city. It is this urban hardness I desire.
Sun is up, I'm tired but I can't sleep. Have lunch with dad later as well, oh god D: I just want to see this photoshoot come to life so much much much much much :x Before I actually shoot it I need to do quite a lot of handsewing to bling it up to my standards (also to increase contrast so that it'll look good in b/w film) I've decided to go on an alice/chess theme (too predictable :x) since the appliques are in trumps anyway. Personal referance: hearts = rose garden, clubs = clock, spades = crown/chess rook, diamonds = harlequin and then circumference all appliques with sequin thread (red/white, white/black) and diamante strings at the bust darts and skirt circumference. Add crystals at bow, add drop charms at bow ends, add seed crystals/flowers on scalloped edges, change corseting strings to thick lines, add more bling on the sleeve ends, add bows on the rim, maybe do some edging work on inverted scallops. I was thinking of adding a small tulle bustle as well but fuck that's just too much work...... I should probably ask sak to help as well, since doing all that handsewing by myself will probably make me kill someone first :x
Sunrise is so beautiful, the light looks so pure. It's not golden though, more like a lemony-yellow like Mama Lemon. It's such a strange colour, but oddly fascinating in a way that is glaring but not exactly bright (in terms of hue, it looks greenish-yellow)
Ahhhh maybe I should sleep. But I really don't feel sleepy. I should try again.
OK. Try
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:47 a.m.+
Updating is getting more and more infrequent it seems....it's not that nothing is happening, but rather - there is so much happening that it's difficult to actually say something about it; the harder better faster stronger mentality unfortunately doesn't really leave much space for reflection.
I just feel so rushed. That sense of being rushed around just creates so much additional stress, which translates to that urge to go go go!!! even though you're not quite sure where exactly you should go. I went for all the interviews, and didn't make it to some. One of them I got rejected on because they preferred someone who could speak Malay/Hindi and another because of the time (they wanted someone who could stay longer than 3 months). The problem with all this internship business is timing. Most of them don't want to train someone, then have that person leave after a month. It doesn't help that I have to be in Melbourne in early Feb and possibly even Jan if Melbourne City Romp calls me for interview.
I'm just tired of explaining all this y'know? First was the stupid Melbourne internship program run by Nick Hill (with a myraid of conditions, clauses and the ridiculous amount of administration shit) then now this - you know how stupid it seems to get an internship only 1 month long? It's at this very moment I realise how RETARDED Melbourne University's Internship program is because it only offers.....EIGHTY HOURS. Yes. Really. How the fuck can you learn in 80hours? Argh.
I just don't want to talk about this anymore. The more I talk about it, the less christmas spirit I feel. It just sucks ass ok
Other than these worrisome things, SG has been pretty good. Caught up with mom and took purikura together, went swimming and katamari-ing with audy and jiawei, met up with Racheal Kuan, then Sak is coming over for Christmas, then going to meet Gloria/Steffi after the new year and hopefully Mr. James and someteachers from IJ too. Also organising a photoshoot and found a model (Kaixin, alicia's cousin) with kuro and 1 other and probably doing photoshoot for Sak's FYP as well about kid's branding.
Had lots of delicious food too....not surprising since everyone is trying to feed me o.O;;; I'm grateful for the food though, and thanks for trying to cheer me up too :D Other than that I've been doing more location scouting, and checked out 313 as well as Orchard Central and got a pair of jeans + work shirt from Uniqlo x +J line which is awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<333 the J stands for 'Jill Sanders', who also designs for Prada. Hell, it's like cheap Prada! (which is true. since the coats are also FABULOUSSS. why isn't singapore cold enough to wear coats?!?!)
OK enough ranting, talk more next time
Need some sleep before I meet dad tmr
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:58 a.m.+
Woah. It's been a while, hasn't it? Everything seems to pass like a dream - technicolour screens floating, weaving, crossing by; flexible snapshots blended together into one siesmic mess.
The last few days of Melbourne was a whirlwind of cleaning. It's like that bit in Howl's Moving Castle when he's yelling: Shoji! shoji! shoji! We cleaned/vaccumed all the floors, scrubbed the sinks, unblocked drains, wiped the floors, cleaned out the fridge, defrosted the freezer, unplugged/switched off all electricity plugs etc etc. It was a lot of work, since only 2 of us left and frankly I pity whoever has to come back first because of all the cleaning to do :x
Flight was full of babies. I sat squashed between a baby and another baby; both took turns crying. Thankfully I can sleep through -anything-, so I slept around 5hrs. The woman sitting next to me was really nice though, she's a doctor living in Adelaide and flying home to Manila for Christmas. The baby was cute though! super duper fat and called Diago(sp?) Anyway it was an okay flight, despite the babies. I think I was too tired to care since I slept through most of it
Got back to Singapore, and went out to check out ION the next day. WOAH IT IS HUGE!!!!! that's my first impression. Later impressions: edifice reminds me of a Sim City dystopia, the floors remind me of Laforet@Harajuku and the entire place is a gigantic claustrophobic mess of bad design :x had a bowl of beef noodles and then tried Marvelous Cream's maccha uji shortcake and it was really good, but really messy. I went through the place floor by floor ^^v and I also got a haircut and then I went to meet mom for dinner and YAY MEKAJIKI!!! swordfish how I have missed thee~<33333333333
then next day went out with jw and audrey and went shopping - yesterday was me = sightseeing alone, so today was us = shopping. They haven't been of ION or Orchard yet and also JW's plane got delayed and stuff so we only met yesterday and OMG! UNIQLO RAID! Then walked around to check out what's new and stuff~ I didn't get as much as they did, but jiawei went nuts over the tshirts and stuff (lol) and then we had Tanpopo for dinner. RAMEN AND SCOOP CAKE!!!!!!!<333 really fun day, came out tired and scrubbed myself off. wah. singapore is much dirtier than it looks :x
Today dinner with The Aunties, and I also called up Effects Design for internship. Also sent out a lot of my uniemails and stuff - admin shit :/ Today = slow day, which is good since I want to relax a little. Unpacked most of it, wrapped yien's present (gave to uncle marc) then now gonna chiong some comics
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:10 p.m.+
- write letter to zoology researcher
- write letter to melbourne city romp
- write letter to fairfax indesign
Actually once I've given up on the internship, I feel much better and relieved. It was just so frustrating, and Nick Hill was annoying and unhelpful - I managed to find more internships using the search engine (under unimelb careers) than emailing him. I'm also still pissed off about the whole list thing, and all those ellipses/condescending tone/vague BS. As JW pointed out - if he's so unhelpful now, can you imagine if you run into an employer dispute in the company?
So now that I have my own time to search for my own internship outside the uni I feel much better. Also I've had more luck anyway *shrugs* I'm actually pretty keen on the zoology one, since I can tag along and take photos and all you really need is like basic abilities in note-taking and no fear of fieldwork. 'sides, the research is on kangaroos and wallabies! :D what's there not to like???
Other than that I'm busy packing and cleaning the whole house and preparing to leave. That means fridge needs to be cleaned, old stuff needs to be thrown away, quilts/stuff needs to be vaccum-bagged and blah blah blah... I've done loads of laundry recently for that reason, folded everything up too.
Not much going really, audy's left so it's just me and jw flipping TV channels. I'm guessing next year will be like such, since both of us need to return early for interviews *sighs* It's not too bad though, since there's really nothing else in SG left to do with everyone gone. I'm happy about going back, at the same time I feel that I have nothing to go back to :/ The SG I left behind isn't the same as the one I'll be going back to, sometimes I don't even recognise it at all. The only reason is because mom's there, most of my friends have left already.....hell, one of them is MARRIED. horrors. But yeah, just feels a bit weird I guess
Anyway after trawling through 6 supermarkets I finally found mom's collapsable laundry bags and also had some cake from Green. Mostly spending days quietly, it's hard to feel excited beyond the dearyness of packing. It's like The Perisher's song - now the end is finally here/i can't believe I'm here
Other notes; Exam Results Ban: http://universitybargaining.com.au/students/melbourne/ Which means that I probably won't get my results on the 10th like slated unless MAGICALLY the union and the university come to an agreement (like fuck they will). I don't like being held hostage, but I understand the staff desperation. The entire place REEKS of staff desperation with everyone trying to jump ship (including perma staff) I think Apples is going to try for Queensland, and I'll be sad to see him go :/ He's really one of the best tutors I've had.
I'm guessing right now, they're being squeezed so tight and so hard that they can't help but lash out since marching, peaceful protesting and strikes aren't working. I've been following the case via Farrago, and it's pretty bad when all the departments are in red and 250 staff had voluntary redunancies and further integration of departments. I just feel so awful because I do like UniMelb: I like the people, I like the staff, I like the grounds - but I do NOT approve of the administration and how they've changed a public university to UniMelb INC. It's basically the same problem as Singapore - just like a country can't be run like a coperation neither can a university be run like a company.
It's just that this kind of action might result in huge backlash, especially those graduating this year. FYI, you can't graduate without a final transcript, and at the rate they're going they can kiss the Dec 12th ceremony goodbye. It's not just the university that will suffer, but the students will feel resentful and might be less than sympathetic to the working conditions of the staff (which are HORRIBLE. terrible, terrible conditions) I know that VCA is fully backing the union and so is SCA - but SCA views itself apart of UniMelb Arts anyway; which tends to be more cynical. I'm not sure how UniMelb Arts will take to it, the mood is not really uplifting atm. RMIT has caved in to the demands of the union already though, but Unimelb thinks itself invunerable.
IDK. I'll like to smack Glyn Davis's smug bastard face :/
Part of the problem is due to the Howard Government act which stopped universities from recieving public funding (wtf I know). It's very WTF-worthy, because I think Australia is the only country in the world to cut education spending (lolz). Even better, Education contributes 30% to GDP so they're basically killing their own cash cow....irony much? And this has continued for the last 4 years so the uni is desperate, the staff is desperate and the students are suffering because our degrees are worth less, the teaching quality has fallen and well - you know the rest.
I just don't get this country sometimes
Like the current Climategate 2009? total BS man
science is fact, opinion is not fact
climate change is science, not opinion.
Anyway enough ranting, gotta sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:31 a.m.+
Today's wonderful dinner was spoilt by JW's utterly rude behaviour. I can tolerate many things, but rudeness (especially during dinner) is something I cannot CANNOT tolerate. I hate that. I hate it when people don't know how to SHUT UP in public and not argue infront of sushi chefs, I hate it that she doesn't know how to lower her voice and not harass the staff, I hate how crass her behaviour is - throwing money on the table, talking loudly and generally behaving like a whiny brat. I am *not* going out with dinner with her again if she continues to behave like this because it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone uncomfortable. I don't care how hungry you are, but you're an adult in a 5-star restaurent so for fuck's sake, behave like one.
WARGH SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!
it was just so appalling, I felt so embarassed for her and everyone serving us
Other than that, dinner was beautiful<33333 omg the sushi was just fabulous, and I thought I died when I had that gorgeous shining piece of maguro. Totally totally worth it<333333333 I just wish I had some space left for dessert, but oh well - next time???
Cleaned my room today, then sorted out some mail. I guess I should start packing soon, but instead I'm reading Harry Potter (lol) I also washed my muji sweater and it....SHRUNK! D: It's really small now (like, x2 smaller) so I'll try soaking it in cold water or something to uhhh; de-small it? It is annoying though, I really liked that sweater :/ next I need to get all the duvets drycleaned at Albion street (woe, troubles of living in a country with a winter) and carefully handwash all my other cardigans. GAH. I really did like that muji cardigan :(
Internship, nada. I'm beginning to lose hope, so I'll shoot one last email before totally giving up. It's just so sickening, how can you string people along like that? Urgh. I think if it continues I'll just drop out of the subject, it's tiresome and obviously not worth it :/
Probably going to watch a movie on Monday, I'm curious about the Imaginarium of Dr Paranuss plus I haven't watched one in a while. Currently dl-ing Legend of 1900, which sounds exactly like my kinda thing - nice cinematography, nice music and a bit more drawn out than most want it to be.
And omg dress! Wish I have money, but have none. Thus will not buy it. Actually I do, but it's what I saved to go HK, so yeahhhhh :/ And the yen is so bad too.....buying anything now would be horrendeous.
Off to sleep now.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:51 a.m.+
I haven't said this to anyone yet but the truth is that 'tiredness' is an excuse. Frankly this is beyond 'normal-post-exam' tired and I'm getting worried. The nightmares haven't stopped, in fact, they've become worse. Night after night I sleep with lights on and jiawei says that sometimes she can hear me muttering/crying in my sleep. It's not really as bad as it seems, I get nightmares all the time and my solution is usually like.....work more, get home tired, pop some tylonel+codeine and sleep it off.
Except that yesterday, the hallucinations started again. It wasn't like a major one, but I thought I saw a flash of silver, a man's shadow and heard laughter. Then when I went to shower in the evening, I started screaming because the walls had changed into ---- and it was pulsating and then after I calmed down I went oh fuck, not again. It wasn't a long one, but it's enough for me to recognise these as warning signs.
The thing is, I don't understand why this has suddenly come up again. It's been about 2 years since the last attack, and I thought I had it under control. I haven't really done anything to trigger it and it's come *AFTER* my exams. In fact, I should be less stressed because I pretty much got straight honours first for all my subjects this semester so I'm just baffled to why it's happening. I haven't done anything drastic like change my diet, I'm not mensurating so it's not a hormonal change and moving countries is something I do every year so it's not really adaption......I mean, it's an unfortunate timing, but at the same time I can't help but wonder wtf is up with this o.o;;
I don't really want to worry anyone, so I haven't told my housemates OR my mother yet. It's mostly limited to 3-5min bursts and occurs only at night so it's not really so serious yet :/ I guess the thing is, I don't like being smothered to bits about people worrying/pitying/coddling me like glass. I'm distressed, but I'm not insane. Argh, it's just annoying. I'm not entirely sure what to do, but I'll probably tell audrey or something because she takes it more seriously than jw does and if anything happens, at least she can handle it.
I really hate this, y'know. It's like a chronic allergy that you can't get rid of, and since it's mental I can't just put antiseptic or antihistamines and wait for it to go down. I wish I knew exactly what triggers these attacks but no matter how much I avoid these things I can't seem to get rid of it entirely. It's annoying because I'm actually tired AND sleepy AND I like sleeping, so being shut off from my favourite pleasure activity just pisses me off. I feel like a fucking zombie because I can't sleep well, and I'm afraid of taking too much ibroupfen+codeine because I don't really want to be drug addicted all my life (although I should be, considering.) It makes it difficult for me to sleep and take showers, and even spend time alone :/ man, sucks hardcore
Argh, I just don't want to talk about it anymore
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:43 p.m.+
Am writing now to ignore the fact that I'm absolutely hungry: bacon sandwhiches, baked eggs, negitoro, goose noodles with black sauce, wonton mee, chicken rice, telur balado...NAME IT. @_@ I'm hungry because I'm in the photolab printing my folio, which is an Oppotunity Not To Be Missed because if I had to print it myself, I would've to spend hundreds of dollars. (Esp. since I'm printing A3)
Anyway I have Aristotle for company, which is pretty meagre company since he can't seem to speak in anything else but riddles. It's not too bad though, I'm halfway through chapter 3 about his philosophical framework of causes: material/formal/efficient and final. It's fairly interesting all in all, but yeah it's not really the right kind of day/mood to be reading him - I feel tired and droopy, I want to read something easy.
Finished Will Self's Dorian yesterday, which was disappointingly unoffensive at first read, but lying in the dark, as I prepared to sleep I thought I saw a flash of a silver knife and a mocking shadow looming over me and I freaked out - turned the lights back on. I guess it's delayed horror, which is much worse than immediate horror. It's a really good book though, so deliciously evil and the whole idea of having a cathode narcissus as a modern day version of basil's (or baz) painting is really rather wonderful. A whole lot of dirty humour mixed up with many orifices and a good dose of pure entertainment. I rather like henry's long speeches, they're just so hilariously ennui to read
Went to St Kilda on Monday, after JW handed up her paper. Also ran into Tom, whom we bought coffee for. Actually it was rather nice, sitting outside Kerekere talking. Also had a vanilla butter cupcake, which was good. Lunch at KenzanGPO (yay, tempura!) then went St Kilda which was so nice and breezy. Sat by the pier, jw got sunburnt while I hid under my hoodie and read my book.
had a beer later, after hitting up JayJay's for a huge costume change (full lolita to slackerz in slippers) Slacked around somemore..... I was so tired when I got home, and just conked out while watching Apprentice (Morello won)....so sleepy. Crawled up the stairs and then fell asleep, next day was printing folio and meeting with farrago team.
Interview went well, and printed all of my folio so it's all good :D
tired of talking
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:40 p.m.+
7am, and it's a cool blustery day. That's the word for windy, that Aya was thinking of when she dreamt of Winnie the Pooh. 'Blustery blustery day' and here I am when the sun hasn't even poked out of the soft, sleepy, rain-swollen skies reading classic greek for fun.
I think now, I'm finally able to calm down a bit after all that nervous tension.
Finished up folio, and next Tuesday I'm going to print. The Epson printer is being claimed by unimelb, so Cherie says I can use up all the ink I like in advance. Sent most of my coverletters as well, although I suspect that most of them would reach on Monday and replies will come the following week after.
A slow, dreamy dreamy day. I love dreamy days. I love days where I can just sit back, and languish on something soft and read myself into a stupor. I even like waking up at dawn, the brush of dull sunlight and the bluish cast of not-quite-mornings and the crisp chill in the air mingled with the earthy scent of all things growing. I love it most when the world just wakes up, newly born - like every morning since the day of creation.
Yesterday was harsh, but today wakes up soft. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't know how to help. How can you tell someone what the future holds? Everyone makes mistakes, but it's alright; the trick is not to dwell on what could be but move to what can I do now. It's harder on people who strive for perfection, even moreso to those who hate to seek help.....but this kind of thing, perfection, is impossible.
Also bought some books, on my way home. I was actually very very hungry since I hadn't eaten much lately due to the heat, but instead of getting food I stopped by the bookstore instead and bought Will Self's Dorian - as usual; crisp dry black humoured wit about the fag ends of a postmoderny dystopic London full of fetish; fag ends of the city. (pun intended) Some penguin classics (which I'm halfway through and perfectly describes my dandyistic behaviour of today which began with bed-rolling contemplation, a breakfast of bread and leftover salad and milo. Nothing is as delicious as leftover olive oil sauce dunked with toasted bread) and maybe a stroll out later. La Choukette, for pastry and Brunswick Bound for more books?
Back to book reading, it's too complusive
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:19 a.m.+
Am officially on holidays, but still in uni. wtf. Workaholicism must really run in the family, because it seems like every single one of us is complusively workaholic. Anyway, I'm in here today to do up my portfolio and write coverletters. Doing the folio wasn't too bad, at least it was fun because I could mess around in photoshop....but writing coverletters? ARGH X_x I feel like I want to stab my fucking eyes out. I'm done with 3 now, I still have 2 more to go but urgh urgh urgh barf barf barf it totally sucks hardc0re.
It's just so bloody tedious to write coverletters damnit, do anyone really read any of these shizzles? :/ It's like blah blah blah bullshit barf barf barf insert complimentary adjective.
My hours of sleeping have also screwed itself silly in such a way that makes me thing that I'll never get back to 'normal' sleeping hours again. I blame essaywriting for that, because at least before I had some kind of sembleance of a normal rhythm but nowadays I might as well live in UK since I'm awake from 3am to 8pm melbourne time. Argh. It feels horrible. The daylight hours are so long that I feel drained, even moreso when it starts to burn at appalling tempreatures like 37 degrees wtf
Anyway, those two still aren't done with their work yet - horrors. It's just really difficult to live with people trapped in essaywriting mode when all you want to do is go out, have fun and eat lots of nice food. The weather is making all of us antsy too, it's really hard to work in cramped heat.
Kinda sleepy still - and it's only 3pm! DX Probably going to Elizabeth's going-away party tonight, just quickly to say hi (and maybe chomp on some free food) then back to writing coverletters. Maybe I'll go sit at borders since I haven't really done that in a while, and buy some gelati while I'm at it. I should really learn to relax more @____@ I feel so tense and nervous all the time now.
Ok, last check through the folio, then I'm outta here. Next week schedule: tonight sales post, Sunday zoo, Monday Nova, Tuesday -off-/pay waterbill, Wednesday barbara + SEND FOLIO + photography exhibition, Thursday interview, Friday -off-..........I should go pick up my shoes too, argh, I need to call mom asap and tell her I really can't be back on the 3rd, and send my coverletter to Effects Design too.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:59 p.m.+
!FREEDOM!
Oh God, when was my last post? It seems like forever! I can't believe how much I wrote/amount of time I spent on it.....about 10,500words in a week? Crazy!
Anyway the exhibition went well. Frankly, I had no time to cheer during the opening - I just did what I had to do, drank a bottle of ale to celebrate and then.........went home to write my essay (while the rest of 'em went out to party.) My favourite pieces from the show was Damien's alien-music-film thingy, Alexi's steel tree and Oliver's microscope watercolours (they were so small, you had to view them with a microscope!) It was really fun, since everyone got into the spirit and started singing happy birthday and clapping along to it *____* and more people than I expected ate the cake! It was so amazing~
Didn't really have time to cheer though, right off next day I started on the thesis and OH GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE. Especially the literature review. In the end, I broke my lit review up to 2 sections; one for context one for ANT. I think writing the lit. review was actually harder than actually writing the discussion; come to think of it. By the end of the evening I was running on green tea, Lady Gaga and WAY WAY WAY over the word limit.
I was pretty upset I didn't get to use my sexy Rossiter&Lovink Organised Network theory about people being transcated as commodities/allies on the intarwebz, nor did I manage to fit in Visual Ethnography as well *sadface* I really couldn't fit it in. The discussion was supposed to be only 2,500w but I exceeded it with 4,000w. In the end, I cut 1,000w from the discussion and 500w from the introduction to case so that I could make it through the word limit. It's actually harder to edit than I thought it would be, although once you have the 'style' down (title, contents page, appendix, glossary, etc) it makes it much easier to write. My conclusion is a bit slap-dash too, but shikata nai at that point.
Handed up thesis on Friday, it was MADNESS. It was so thick I had to use a hole puncher and staplets to hold it together since my giant stapler couldn't get through Dx Did a celebratory lunch, slept for 8hrs and then.......woke up to start another 2,500 words for media futures report.
Can you sense the insanity involved in this? Everything felt so deranged. The weather was burning, I was sleeping 3hrs a day and dreamt of being chased, strangled and woke up feeling more and more anxious. Since our hours were so nocturnal, it was common to have dinner at 12midnight and breakfast at 6am before heading for a quick nap at 2pm, wake up 5pm and REPEAT. As I said, MADNESS.
The report thing, I admit, is pretty crap. First I didn't really do any research on it, I started it on Friday absolutely BLANK. Second, I did it in like...1.5days. It's not great, but I don't think it's absolutely horrible either mainly because I already knew my material by heart so all I needed was some relevant bibliography from the same few. Really. You can't go very wrong with the usual suspects of de Certeau, Guy Debord, Hardt&Negri and Deleuze.
The sad thing is, now I know my work so intimately I don't even need to check wikipedia/google anymore. Want to know when Dawkins starting writing about the virality of memes? 1997. When did Empire come out? 2000. Main figures in ANT? Latour, Law and Callon. I even have a list of quotes at hand that don't even need to think before repeating them. It's like academia has TOTALLY EATEN MY SOUL.
Good part of it? I have a high chance of getting it published on Platform academic journal. Yeah. Me. PUBLISHED. unbelievable right???? I think the only value of the stuff I wrote isn't about egl though, it's the fact that I was crazy enough to actually read shit on ANT and summarize it for other people lol~ it'll make very good reference material for anyone who wants a quick A-Z of latour!
Then after I handed it in, went to the gallery to dismantle the show. And OMG THE AGAR CAKE GREW MOLD. um. yeah. well I expected it, but it was kinda cool and gross and mostly gross. The level on EWWW can only be described by the fact that it was attracting both mosquitoes and flies (due to the blood content, probably). Anyway it didn't take very long, but by 2pm I was really tired. I haven't really slept at all the night before since I was rushing to finish the essay before dismantling the exhibition and I was pretty exhausted because it's been non-stop since the beginning of November.
Went home, took a quick wash and K.O'ed. Completely. I woke up briefly to take a piss and shit, but went back to sleep. The terrible part was that around 2am I woke up again, because of nightmares. I felt so terrified. I think stress really makes my anxiety/adrealine levels shoot up, and my body was probably taking a while to adjust to the fact that I had no more papers left. It was a sudden and intense fear, coupled with a sense of nervous energy. Also I kept dreaming of being suffocated to death, and I couldn't move my body or anything because my body was asleep and I was awake but locked inside it. It was terrifying.
Went to cook a quick soba dinner with jiawei, and read some harry potter to calm myself down. Drank some hot milo and that helped too. Then I went back to sleep soon after, and woke up at 8am again. All in all, I slept about 20hours.
I thought of going down to uni today to sart on the folio, but it's really such a lovely day - too lovely to be wasted on working indoors again. Plus I think I deserve a 1 day break at least for working non-stop the past few weeks. I feel tired still, even after sleeping so much. Today I had my first full meal in WEEKS that didn't involve pickles and sandwiches. Tonight I can probably cook some rice and stirfry, something decent instead of salad + bread.....and chop up some watermelon too since the days are getting warmer. Rest a bit, then start work again!
Left to do
-Portfolio
-Sales post (Friday)
-Email Emma again (Wednesday)
-Write more coverletters
-Contact NGV (Wednesday)
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:19 p.m.+
Addicted to Sarah Blasko after some insurance company used her in their ad campaign - she sounds really familar though, I think I heard her before on Bennett's Lane? IDK.
I'm really nervous.... Exhibiting is both exhilarating and stressful. I keep worrying about the performance - in front of others I say I totally know what I'm doing when I totally DON'T. I've done a couple of mental reharasals, but mostly I'm going by feel Dx it just feels so unprepared, I really don't know what the audience will do/react.
Monday was really hellish. I was rushing like mad, only 3hrs of sleep and I was typing the folio/arranging the shit'/printing paper/organising the art-peice x_X I brought the piece in around 8.30 and finished up around 9.45-10. Breakfast at Animal Orchestra; baked eggs<3333 and tea~ it was just such lovely weather at that hour. Went to look for T.A. (jw said he won't be in, but I said he would cos he's not a lazy fucker like we are lol) and YEAH! I was right! he was in :D and we got our extensions LIKE I SAID WE WOULD. d00de~ I can totally know man. Since I was dressed like a construction worker that day he was like: 'where's all that frilly lol-leee-ta?' LOL and then kerekere.
Went home to finish my folio because it was due on the ame day at FOUR and I was like no where done Dx Instead of doing a process journal, I made these 'flashcards' looking things according to the alphabet and strung them up so they hung like windchimes. It's a cute idea, but OMG SO MUCH WORK. I had to type all of it, laminate, cut, punch holes and string them up too Dx DX DX I was late but it was OKAY because omg b.b was there in her office still and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and then we had a simple dinner (tomato/egg omelette and rice) before I crashed and woke up 14hrs later
Take it slow today, and in my nervousness I made aglio olio. I haven't made it for a long time, so I'm surprised how well it turned out. It's so easy you wonder why so many restaurents fuck it up - it's like, the golden rule of eating out: don't bother ordering aglio olio and steak. The first will always be cold and soggy, the second will be overcooked and overpriced. I like making mine with both stoves on - the pasta has to be cooked at the same time the oil gets heated, and tossed in. Sauce is: a pan-ful of oil (enough to cover the base 1cm deep), 5 minced garlic cloves, 6 halved cherry tomatoes, black pepper, 5 birds-eye chilli (fresh, deseeded). I know the authentic reciepe uses peperonchino but I prefer the freshness of chilli in summer. It gives a tangy kick - once the sauce is heated (jut hot enough that it has bubbles, but not sizzling) toss in your still-warm noodles with a bit of pasta water, then squirt some extra virgin olive oil. It's really REALLY good when well made. Really. The kitty was so addicted she went to get bread to soak up the sauce, and didn't even notice it was vegetarian lol....Actually I was rather surprised how well it turned out and how much they liked it. It's a crazily easy thing to make (garlic, chilli, opt. tomatoes) so why do so many restaurents fuck it up?
My theory is 1. they cook the pasta and sauce seperately 2. they make it in advance and let the pasta sit in oil 3. they use shit ingrediants. The first 2 is more important than the last point though - I'm using coles-standard stock ingrediants (93cent pasta) and it's still better than any I ever had in SG. The thing about this dish is really a matter of timing. You must *must* MUST bring together the al-dente pasta and just-before-sizzle oil together at the SAME time, with a bit of dripping pasta water. Anything else would result in disaster.
Then I made some spring onion cheese rolls for the exhibition as snacks and since lamb is finally *on* sale - picked up a rack of lamb for $10bucks. Unbelievable. Saturday is our 'eat-well' day since Iron Chef is on, so I'll probably save it for then. It'll be great with some mashed potatoes, rocket, mustard and a light panfry. Or I could go really asian on it, with a miso-based marinade.
I suppose it's benefical that when I'm stressed, I cook. I'm nervous still, but yeah.....I guess I'll just have to do it.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:59 a.m.+
Just going to do day-by-day since I'm too tired to talk much meh.
Saturday - lolita meetup since Pheobe came to Melbourne to visit. She's from UK and very nice, also in London too. Ate baugettes for lunch at Alexandra Park and then purikura. Afterwards I went home to write more of the thesis shit, make dinner and nap. I think I was really tired because I slept ridiculously late and woke up at 9am @_@;;;;;; I only felt much better after the nap and then watched My Neighbour Totoro - weird but my tutor (Apples) looks a lot like Totoro lol. Or maybe I'm just going crazy, idk.
Monday - drew blood; many thanks to Dr Adams for approving the project, Virginia for arranging appointment, Maureen and all the nursing staff for drawing blood. Problem was that there isn't any anti-coagulant in it and it IMMEDIATELY began to clot no matter how hard I kept shaking it *fail* SO! I rushed home to make the agar agar, but the container I used wasn't waterproof and I had HOT BOILING BLOOD-INFUSED AGAR AGAR SPILLING ALL OVER MY KITCHEN. *panic mode* I just totally freaked out and made jw really pissed because she had to help clean it up later and cleaning the shit off was really hard :/ All in all, a totally shit day.
On the other hand, last tute for media futures and got a chance for consulation with A and kinda managaed to mediate the thesis by using Latour. Latourrrrrrrrrrr. Reading so much of it annoys me, but shikata nai. I just want to get this year over and done with.
Tuesday - Managed to get some sleep, collected invites from SCA (which went really quickly so I should've gotten more) Went for the last reading group of the year, took some pics, sat in the lawn and then went to the city (Laguna) later for food and snacks. SNACKS! bought a giant tub of hello panda biscuits and tried to make sago. It was sooooooooo weird lol, I think because I used frozen pandan and not fresh pandan so it tasted kinda grassy? lol. Maybe I should've put more sugar hmm. Then afterwards did a trial run of agar agar with food colouring, and it turned out okay. I oiled the base to make it slip off easier as well
Wednesday - which is today :/ Went to draw blood again, this time with EDTA (anti-coagulant) inside so it wouldn't clot immediately and I could use it as a pigment. To veer on the safe side, I'm using 2 packets of agar for 1 mixture because I have no idea how the anti-coagulant will react to the agar or if it will set properly. So. Worries.
Then had a quick lunch, cursed myself for bringing the wrong text (I brought levy instead of latour, fuck.), went to SCA to collect more invites to hand out this evening, met Cherie/Taylor to discuss the documentation for the opening, went to Union House to look for Sandy - but she was sick urgh. Now I need to find a table and plinth in the event that the gallery is totally booked out. So, stuff I need: cakestand, plinth, black cloth, chopper, tea candle, masking tape, plastic forks and plates. I'm thinking of decorating the cakestand with like doll hands' or something - it kinda reminds me of Miyazaki (Sulliman) and I've been watching so much of it that I feel like doing that as a homage(?) kinda thing.
Mostly I've been watching Totoro, Sen to Chihiro, Howl's Moving Castle, Mononoke and currently dling Nausiucaa. I've also watched Ponyo too....I guess stress makes me play bejeweled and watch miyazaki more lol~ desire for a child's freedom maybe? A simpler life?
Tonight is media/comn party, so I'm going. I don't really feel like it, but need to rub shoulders, grease social wheels and also an oppotunity to give out invitations so MANY people will come for the show. I hope someone starts a facebook group soon, so I can invite more people to come.
KK it's almost time to go. Hopefully there's something else to drink besides beer......not even sure if I should drink, since I just drew blood today. Hm. I could use that as an excuse too, and then leave gracefully by 7.30pm.......wednesday night is family guy + american dad + south park night, and I don't really want to miss it
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:03 p.m.+
ah, it's almost summer now. The days are warmer, but the nights are still chilly and today I watched sunset from my bed and the sky was a pure silvery blue that looked like blown glass gilded with the purest burnished gold. It's not really a yellow, but a deep-orange-red that kinda glows until it's so painfully rich - as though the darker it gets, the more luminous it becomes.
Actually I was really tired today. I only slept a couple of hours because I was writing the literature review, and also because I had to meet natz + her bf at 12noon, then supervisior A at 2pm. Afterwards I collected my dress from drycleaners, and on my way home picked up some pasteries and went to nap. I also got free chocolates from tom cos I think I looked really sad :/ Lack of sleep makes me super distressed :( and my mood has been sinking ever slower and slower.
Mostly I've been watching Miyazaki movies in an effort to calm myself. Schoolwork is really driving me crazy.....I tried so hard to get the art project complete, but it seems that every direction I turn to someone is stopping me. I got all the ethical, school....-whatever- clearances and yet the hospital refuses to draw my blood x___x pretty much wits' end now
BLARGH.
Thesis is also not writing itself. Wish it did :/ I've finally started on the lit review, so that's about 700w done. My goal is to finish by this weekend if not I won't be able to hand up the assignment on time. horror.
Well, good thing is that EMS came today with my dress from closetchild. It's good because I need that dress for the performance (wow, scares me shitless) and thankfully the colour's right too. It's much heavier than expected, but absolutely pretty. Made of chirimen too (o.o)
Oh yeah, to add to my woes my door is jammed. Like. shittily so. It's so jammed I don't dare close the door, which makes me insanely nervous.
anyway going to sleep soon. lolita meetup at 11am. I'm kinda lazy to go, but yeah well at least I'll get to eat crepes and walk around a bit. Then back to work it is....
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:08 a.m.+
I'm just kinda drained and exhausted @_@ today was really kinda shit. Ran into Jian, who proceeded to badger and corner me until I ran out and felt like crying. D00de, all I wanted was some peace and quiet to read my pdf. before reading group. Later I found out from my lecturer than he's been saying I haven't fufilled my end of our bargain by collaborating with him and basically spreading shit - excuse me? when did I ever agree to collaborate with you? Did you have a verbal agreement with yourself and like, let me know later? I just felt so betrayed. JW said that I should've just told him to Fuck Off and Die (In a Fire).
I'm glad I brought it up to the lecturer in time, but thing is - I wouldn't have if he wasn't being such a dickhead about cornering me after *EVERY* class. Like after I finished media futures and he just shoved the usb at me at a cafe(!) or calling me up or bothering me every single time I step into the computer lab. I've taken to avoiding him so much that I'm using the fire-escape instead of the lift - hell, I reckon it's better exercise anyway.
Today already started cruddy because JW pissed me off by going into my consultation hour. I mean OK, we're friends but hey d00de this is my consultation hour and you're intruding and fucking hell, you made me late for it. I was already pissed off, and in addition to panicking silently as I counted to 20 days to deadline. Then ran into Jian. And he just kept WHINING at me about how hard it was for him to learn photoshop and all and that I had to help him because we were collaborating and gave me the whole: 'I thought we were friends' spiel. I was getting so distressed that I wanted to cry. He didn't understand that I had no time, and kept saying: 'I'll CREDIT you!!' (like I care.) I don't want his credit, his money or whatever I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE THE FUCK ALONE. Just, argh. I was so angry and frustrated. (still am, actually)
Then reading group on swarm theory, but everyone was rather tired anyway so we finished early. Went home and napped, then made dinner. Yesterday's char siew turned out even better the next day, the sauce had thickened beautifully<3~ I used dad's reciepe with a bit of alterations. Also had boiled kai lan, which was really good too.
just tired, going off soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:47 a.m.+
It's strange how I find typing so difficult now. My thoughts are still there, but penning it down seems less and less important and sometimes I worry that I'm not being detailed enough. For instance, in the last post I forgot to add that I watched A Beautiful Boxer - a Thai movie about a male boxer who later became a transvestite beauty. It's a beautiful film; the colours are really spectacular. I remember this scene where the monk and his disciple is standing on the stone bridge with fog and water on both sides and the rich reddish-brown of their robes shining against the grey blue. The forests look lush, layers of yellow/green filters have almost brought the green to the brink of oversaturation, if not for the texture of wet rain and the slopping sound of mud. It's really unbelievably beautiful. Gorgeously vivid.
Today was a slow day. Woke up when dad called - which was about 9am? Talked a bit, he asked me several trivial things in which I replied with standard trivial answers. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, does he regret? I had the strangest conversation with mom a day or so ago on msn about dad of all people. But y'know. Yeah. Well. Hm. *shrugs* I guess I just don't know what to say, I don't even know how I feel about it. I guess when it comes, I'll just deal with it then.
Had a deliciously expensive dinner at Pizzaria de Curinico and it was pretty fabulous. The wine was great, the pasta was perfect and the pizza was FABULOUS. The only let down was the pannacotta, which bounced instead of wobbling. Where's my wobble???? A wobbling panna cotta is the sexiest thing ever. And white wine. It's strange, but I only ever drink white. It's a peculiar preference born not out of taste, but because I always associate red with dad and dad's mania for turning the most mundane things into work, which in turn, spoils the pleasure of drinking for me.
The best was this 4 cheese pizza - for some reason I couldn't stop eating it. It reminded me a bit of when I was younger, I would put condensed milk and cheese and toast the entire thing on bread until the cheese melted and turned bubbly and delicious<3 it's one of the first times that trying one kind of food has made me remember another. Is that what Keller means by 'invoking?' I wonder. Certainly it adds another layer of pleasure, but I personally think it's not as big as what people make it out to be. If the food is good, it's just that: good
Going off to sleep soon, it's almost 3am. There's class tomorrow and new things to read and my dreaded essay to write. DREAD. Anyhow. Have to soldier on!!!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:43 a.m.+
Hear sounds, taste touch and a sigh - sometimes I think I live in a dream, a dream full of skins in a laundry room. I wake up to wear a new skin everyday, shedding last night's excesses on sweaty sheets and dream dust; all those cells holding mysteries of yesterday like a hovering shadow. Cast off. The image of a laundermat: the drycleaning carousel full of hanging suits, clean and neatly pressed floating as they travel round and round the clothesline; plastic bagged.
Dreamily is how I feel days pass, both meaningful and meaningless. Meaningful is the feel of now, meaningless is when held together with the perspective of today. Tuesday was wonderful, with the reading group - we went drinking after class, and the conversation was so full of little things that we exchanged with each other; nuggets of information pieced together to form a puzzle of a person. A blink, and suddenly a mass of colours form an impression: Monet in full bloom. Then Louis Thoreau documentaries on Thursday, and oh, Thursday was a mess.
It started with a 9am phonecall: hello this is -- calling from the university, I think you don't have the pre-requisite points to graduate. You would be rightly thinking that this statement at 9am (before tea, cake or even brushing teeth) would freak me out, but it didn't. I didn't even panic, just an 'OK'. Early morning equamity. I just went down to the office and slowly sorted out this administrative mess. Long story short: I was missing 1st year credits, and overloaded on 2nd year credits with a whole pile of non-m/c subjects. Anyway with the help of the student support team, it was neatly sorted. Then I ran to JohnMed to pass a copy to the m/c dept and headed straight for my (already-late) class. Problem solved; internship and enriched major degree saved.
I suppose it's apporiate that on the same night I recieved the email for internship acceptance and a hostlist. I plan to apply ASAP (as in, once my headache decides to cure itself and get a cover letter written). I actually have a whole pile of things to do, from writing thesis to sending cover letters to parcels for egl. Over the weekend, I managed to get some of it done but I see that it's impossible to do everything so I'm just doing bit by bit, starting with the emails.
Then I watched Om Shanti Om today on SBS, with Shah Rukh Khan in it and it was extremely enjoyable. The production values are amazing, the colours are glorious, characters beautiful and I loved how they did the credits. All in all, it's a visually stunning film. Mostly I was going: 'OMG I wonder how much their production values cost.' (lol) I think I'm quite a movie junkie - I really do like movies, not in a literary way (although I enjoy that too) but just the sheer pleasure of watching. I like being enthralled. At the same time, watching movies on TV brings a different kind of pleasure from the cinema. When in the cinema, I watch with expectations but at home I merely watch for entertainment during dinner.
The stove burns low, the pot bubbles with curry - the hot and sweet smell of Japanese curried with soft zucchinis that you sink into with a burst of vegetable sweetness. Chopped carrots and eggplant and cubes of firm tofu and curried eggs dyed golden buried in sauce like treasures. There's a sense of contentment, of laughter, of homeliness that is so plentiful in both the food and company. I love that. That quiet domesticity, that generous warmth. That is what I live for.
Watching movies during dinner, with comments and conversation and the sound of lips slurping and mouths smacking makes me feel safe. It makes me think of boiled eggs - the hard cooked whites encasing the most tender, almost wobbly but still cooked; golden fresh delicious yolk. A home is an eggyolk.
Today went to the city to meet sefie who was cosplaying at Armeggedon. I can't say much, except it looked dull. The only interesting factor was that the exhibition was located near the pregnancy/maternity fair, which resulted in a hilarious mix of d00de-otakus with katanas and chainsaws mingling with moms pushing prams and free baby diaper specials. Surreal. Wandered around a bit, I felt so distracted because I was reading and walking at the same time. I felt hunger, but I didn't know what to eat because my head was so full of text. It felt like I was watching myself get hungry through the pages of the book. I was in the narrative, the hunger ceased to exist and I had to finish the story before I could leave the narrative and return to my daily self. I had forgotten to draw money as well, and it took me 3 tries to remember where the nearest ATM.
Sometimes I like to think back, over phrases. One of my favourite songs during christmas is 'O Holy Night' - the song itself is decent, but unspectacular. In general it's a pretty bland, overly maudlin and full of the usual chrismassy stuff. The reason why I like it is because of this lyric:
"....and the soul felt it's worth"
That line fascinated me - actually, it still does. How does a soul 'feel' it's worth? A soul is not like a heart, nor is it a mind. Sometimes it's referred to as the spirit, the ghost and occasionally consciousness. You think of comatose people, and think: 'does the soul ever feel its worth?' and also, what kind of worth are you thinking of? Monetary? Spiritual? Emotional? All three? I sometimes think that's what I need to do in life, make my soul feel it's worth. To make other people feel their souls' worth. I guess finding your soul's worth is akin to a person touching his or her body in the shower. You find bones you never know you had, the unseen bumps covered by skin and the sheer gothicness of a having a body. Mapping a body, a cartographer of skin full of lines and lensions and orifices. The rich darkness of a mouth, the dense forset of hair, the smooth canyons of wrinkles and the lucidity of eyes. And then - the face, what a glorious thing to have
It's possible that I just think too much, rambling on. Thoughts drift, feelings fester. But I like it, I like this. This weight that I'm slowly feeling, the density of myself that I am slowly growing to become
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:08 a.m.+
today was an improvement on yesterday, mainly because of the reading group. Actually it's really odd - but cold, grey and rainy and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go all the way right up to outside the university, jw was walking behind so I was thinking: 'Maybe if I walk fast enough, I could walk down to borders and she'll never know'. But then that would be really irresponsible to ditch her, so I went and I'm glad I did.
It's pretty cool but we talked so much that after tute we went to a pub and continued talking till the pub closed (like wtf, from 5.30pm - 11.30pm!!??!?!) and it was supercold and windy but yeah, just awesome. It helped me focus on just academic theory, and forget about niggling everyday misery/trivalities.
honestly, the reading group is the only thing giving me so much pleasure right now. it's filled with people who actually want to learn, and care enough to do their work first and are really of that standard that push you into new thinking. Like the whole: spectacle is a materialisation of idealogy is just great, and the whole distinction of material/immaterial and visible/invisible especially when applied to network theory. Like information is immaterial, but visible.
then went home, cold. had dinner really REALLY late (about 3am) which is why I'm still retardedly awake even at this hour. I wouldn't have given up that class for anything though, it's seriously one of the few bright spots in the week.
Called Tony Callahan as well today....REJOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently because my project does not consituite as 'research' (not gathering feedback or data about my performance) I DON'T NEED ETHICS APPROVAL!!! :D :D :D The only thing I need to check on is the university code of conduct about fair play and responsibility, but I think I pretty much got my ass covered. He seemed really impressed that I had done my own research on the clinical practice of blood as well :D
looking now, I think today was a major improvement from yesterday. what a difference 24hrs makes~
anyway off to sleep now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:28 a.m.+
Ah, I'm listening to KT now. I realise I listen to KT the more and more I feel stressed, and my stress levels have gone off the roof ATM. I just feel I can't make anyone happy anymore - they just keep wanting more, and I'm just so fucking sick of it. Today is basically a 'hate as many people as possible' kind of day. I just felt absolutely terrible...probably a lack of sleep played into it
Class was just shit, then I ran into Jian (which I really REALLY didn't want) and he immediately coerced me into doing his work...AGAIN. Fuck. I feel like a fucking doormat. Why the fuck do I have to photoshop your fucking photos? It's your fucking homework for fuck's sake!!!! And I have my own schoolwork to do as well, it's just so....ARGH. I want to kill myself, if only painlessly.
The art project got through, but now I have to run it by so many bureaucratic junctions that I feel vaguely sick. SICK. of red tape. I don't want to give up because I really think it is a good idea, at the same time it's just full of ARGH. The thesis just makes me want to puke blood too - I haven't really read enough to do the arguements properly, but at the same time going through all the books makes me want to kill someone or myself.
I'm just so tired. I don't want to do this anymore - whatever this is. I want to pack up, get out and disappear again.
Besides that, watched Sakuran and is also Audy's birthday today. Normalcy is a relief. Also talking to mom and aya on skype made me feel much better. The best things that happened today is probably aya's letter, audy's birthday and watching mad men 9. Am I sad or what?
Going to get my morose self into the shower
here's to hope that I drown
*clink*
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:24 a.m.+
head hurts, want to shop
can't shop till sell more stuff
clutter acculumation = BAD too
head still hurts, 2 ibroupfens down
getting immune to codeine, lol is that bad?
head hurts
i hate bright lights, why 1600 kelvin screen?
lolita picnic sunday
only thought: wah so much food wasted D:
wish i had more raspberry chocolate cake
but. diet.
i felt sad for the uneaten tuna
took many photos
cheated by using holga
made everyone walk into Native Grass
had a very *facepalm* moment with kurololitas
'all the black people stand at this side!!'
and then
there was a black person jogging across
looked at me funny :x
so sorry mr.
light was good, camera stiff/wonky
hopefully everything works out
went home to write resume
slow
resume
sloooooooooow
can't find testimonial either, fuckshit.
eyes hurt, brightnes down!
diet seems to be working though
clothes getting looser, can wear puppet circus w/ food
cardigans sit nicely on boobs too
monday class, bleh
bleh bleh bleh bleh
redeeming point: south park eps
supervisior meeting tomorrow = bleh too
had es teler for lunch, procastinated
caught a bit of flashforward, but not really watching
miriam's chatter makes my head hurt even more
it's pitchy and incessant
honestly i just tune out sometimes
it sounds like a horrible friend, but it feels like babble
i can barely distinguish what she's saying
doing presentation w/ her was kinda nuts :x
thank god that's over
supervisor meeting tmr
worry
thesis sucks cock, lit review not done
worry worry
reading makes my head hurt like golfballs
worry worry worry
will see him anyway tmr
worry.
supervisior B wants to see me on wednesday
that one, worry also
need those art clearances esp. since public
i hope she doesn't want to meet me too early tho
tendency to mornings
urgh
she answers her email at 6.30am
wah lau sia
better collect my rossinter bk tomorrow too
i dumped all the lenton parr books
but forgot to collect my +bonus one
idiot sia
alice cardsuit VS cultery sk tomorrow
oh yar i finally got round to altering the 80s shirt
from fugly to cool beans
just cut the sleeves up and cropped it shorter
now it looks kinda cool like kaela shop
wish I had electric blue tights tho
also wish i had cash for:
arygle rabbit jsk
alice maze jsk (velveteen)
alice stamp sk
ribbon stripe op
wish wish wish wish
maybe sell something more hmm?
but i quite like what i have
maybe halterneck jsk
they irritate me cos the ribbon ties don't sit well with hoodies
k
going off to read now
eyes hurt
consider ibroupfen round 3
someone find a cure for migraines soon
will make billions of ppl in the world happy
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:44 a.m.+
Eh~ lolita meetup tomorrow~ finally decided what to wear, so it's good! Bringing grapes for the picnic and some kera magazines :D and probably film+camera too since it's supposed to be sunny~
So far so good actually....I've been working out a bit, not really rigourously but more like daily. I just skip in my room, do about 25 situps and lift a bit of weights; repeat. My goal is to be able to skip through the whole of KAT-TUN's Movin' On without stopping :D I do it before I sleep/shower, so it's probably not optimal but hell - it's better than not exercising at all right? Maybe....10mins every night. It's pretty OK since I can do it in my own room (and singlet+shorts) Apparently skipping is really good cardio because it's intense? So far so good though. The problem is I can't stay off the sugar. I don't gorge on it anymore (as in PILES and PILES of cake) but once in a while I cave in to a sugar kick.
Yesterday or rather, this morning slept really late 'cause the kitties were watching rage and I ended up with them and watching the sun rise lol. The 'No Mercy' song was pretty nice, and we talked a lot and today I made fettucine. For some reason, akame fics make me feel like cooking fettucine~ and so funny....today's iron chef was ITALIAN! hahahaha, apporiate much? Even funnier was that the main ingrediant was 'kyo-nasu' (kyoto eggplant) and we couldn't help but comment that if Jin's dick really *did* look like a kyo-nasu he would have to see a doctor because a kyo-nasu is round. like really round. the shape is just wrong! D:
Going off to sleep soon - man, being pretty is really hard. Have to sleep early, drink enough water, take care of skin, wear makeup (?) and such. I guess I better wake up an hour earlier than usual to pimp myself ready for the meetup. Stuff you learn as a lolita: how to use an eyelash curler, how not to stab yourself with eyeliner, how to put on lip stain and proper skincare routines.
off to sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:17 a.m.+
I've long decided that chocolate gaunche tart is the way to go for desserts. It's a remarkably easy item and sounds classy without the work ('french silk tart', 'chocolate gaunche tart'). Basically, you get a pie base/frozen shortcrust and equal quantities of double cream and chocolate. ta da! done :D It should also be listed as an antidepressant because no one can feel depressed in a roomful of chocolate + butter + pastry smells.
Frankly, my tart is really ugly. I've never mastered the art of baking shortcrust - the first time, I burned the tart base and second time I didn't put baking weights in so the ENTIRE tart puffed lol. Who cares? It tastes goddamn good (healthy food and dieting notwithstanding)
Mood has been really up-down-up-down lately.....It's almost like I feel uncomfortable with my own skin, like a kind of restless energy waiting to be used. I find it difficult to read (especially academic reading) without feeling trapped and daydreamy. It's like - anything BUT sitting still! I just want to do something like walk or wtv. Quite tempted to go Ballarat tomorrow, but it'll be freezing and 1hr45mins just to get *there*....urgh but photography exhibitions hmm hmmm hmm
Nah, I'll just go for the lolita meetup this Sunday instead. It's a lot closer, and yeah...being around people not-so-familar is somewhat relaxing for unknown reasons. I guess I'm just kinda weird person lol~ I did clean my room though, so it can't be dirt that is making me feel stuffy and annoyed. Maybe I should do laundry too, would that help?
Kitty1 and kitty2 went to watch Metric today, so I'm home alone. Quite nice, quiet. I feel like having a long long long shower~ and also I made chocolate tart which is good. Hopefully I can finish a bit more of Robert Hassan before I sleep, or maybe watch a bit of Moyashimon too. I feel like watching the Valentino movie too, if only just for eyecandy :P Eyecandy! Is so great~ Oh yar, reading Aya's comments about pasta makes me want to cook pasta (so does reading Akame fics actually o.O;;;) so tomorrow I'm cooking a basic pasta (roma tomatoes, pecurino, mince, pesto, onion, garlic) which would be a nice change from rice I guess
Maybe should go read Ubik instead hmmm~ it's such a lovely night after all. So dark and quiet-like; a velveteen dark that absorbs all light. Even my lamps don't seem to shine at all bright, just softly yellow and dimly lit - like a cloudy flicker of incandescence, yellowing. I was reading 'Things People Throw Away' again, and I just love the idea - darkness doesn't fall, it rises. I love it because it's true. Dark sleeps on earth, hidden in shadows waiting for the night as it pushes the daylight away. The sun doesn't really set, if you've watched enough sunsets you'll know what I mean. It's almost like the sun moves away, leaves behind and the night pushes upwards in colours of mauve and violets and ultramarine blues. That's why I prefer the word dusk to sunset; because the sun doesn't really set but yes - dusk happens.
Signing off soon, I really want a bathe after baking/cooking. I feel so buttery, and my skin feels soft and bouncy too. I think because I actually have a skincare regime in Melbourne as opposed to Singapore where it's just -whatever-. Like, I actually bother to put moisturiser and stuff here. My favourite is this Skin Food Promegrate Sleeping Mask thing; it doesn't really brighten or whatever but it does leave your skin feeling soft and nice :D It's pretty funny, but my skin is actually a lot better than I was in SG. I also like the fact that I can pick and choose my own shampoo/body lotion flavours - I don't really like the peachy stuff mom buys 'cause it smells too sweet and sugary. My favourites are watermelon, grapefruit, lemon+green tea and mint lol~ I also like the smell of antiseptic, it's so strange!
Okok~ going off now.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:23 p.m.+
I'm in the kind of mood where there's just a smile lurking at the corner of my mouth, and I can feel excitement bubbling up inside like cotton candy machines. It's a fizzy, champange kind of excitement - so heady and golden it's like falling in love with living all over again. Like today, I did jumping jacks and weights in my room just because I had so much energy, and then I walked to the city, and I ran into an old schoolmate, and lots of other tiny things. My smile is as wide as an egg-yolk =)
Just gave my room a vaccum, and now I'm listening nostalgically to things I thought I've forgotton: Yuuzuai, Solid Gold, Kimi no sumi machikado, Rainbow Gossip... and somehow, I can still singalong with it when Subaru goes: anata no yoyoi, anata no jikisa....naze? It's such a good feeling. It makes me think of afternoons as a child, I would sit at the laundry room and watch sunlight reflect off the school badge - chasing flickers on tile walls. I remember the smell of the laundry room - the sweet-rot smell of garbage, the clean lemony detergent (I would sniff it, I still love it) and the damp tiles on my feet while sitting on the floor rug thing. Afternoons I'll make iced milo and sit by the side of the balcony and our room (kor's, and now no one.) and read Roal Dahl and dream of places not on maps. My favourite was Matilda, because she was so normal, just another child, powerless slip of a thing - another kid like me.
Pretty much over Jian-incident imho - now I really can't be fucked about it anymore, esp. since my piority is my own project and now his. Plus I kinda felt a bit that he was using me....intentionally or not it doesn't matter, but yeah :x I really hate that feeling. It's familar enough because people have always tried, but yeah...INTENSE DISLIKE! :/
Then today woke up scared again. I don't really know why I keep getting nightmares, but since it helps with my assignment (this time, anyway) it's ok. I always dream of frightening things - bloody, deathly things. When I get scared I usually hug bearbear and sleep under a pillow (until I dreamt I couldn't open my eyes, couldn't breathe, no one could hear me scream inside myself) so nowadays I just stay up till sunrise (bad) or sleep with lights or think pretty things. I don't think I could ever live alone because of this :x I'll either end up addicted to sleeping pills or driving myself crazy with sleeplessness. Sleeping is so wonderful, why is falling asleep and dreaming so hard?
Just FYI, vitamin B complexes don't work.
I finished a course of them and except for making my skin clearer and pee stinkier, it doesn't really help me sleep. At all.
kk nights all
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:03 a.m.+
whoa lack of blogging lately - wassup'ya? It's hard to type now; words are unfamilar and feels clunky like chains of definitiveness, problems of quanity and quality and things all fucked inside out and yea, what more can I add to cold, muted silence?
Things that escape postings: things like walking home from supermarket, arms full of groceries singing 'I'm leaving on a jet plane // don't know when I'll be back again and my favourite line is probably when she goes: So kiss me and smile for me // tell me that you'll wait for me // hold me like you'll never let me go. I think I've been singing it for a while now, it just feels so heartbreaking - not like in a way that hurts, but a deep throb of achingness because that's how I think my family is now. Hold me like you'll never let me go is like my home, but it's not there anywhere; just deeply inside people, people I love.
Then went to watch UP! on Monday, and it was so sweet and painfully heartbreaking in a way - I can understand how the old man feels about the things, things we keep to remember and keep the memory alive When does memory become a trap for stagnation? I found the boy a bit of a dweeb at times though, because yea - I understand what it means to have things and keep them near you, as though taking the loneliness away. Had 30min nabe dinner at Toki, then walked down to the candy shop because it just wouldn't stop raining and sat outside Borders making ludicurous comments and fart jokes - in the end, the rain just wouldn't stop so we ended up cabbing home.
It's spring alright - but spring that is wet and muddy and full of richness, a watercolour wash of grey clouds and blue spreads and the clean clean smell of a washed, newly minted world.
Wednesday I headed down to Borders for research on 20th century art since NGV library was closed. So worried - I had a meeting on Thurs with supervisor and trust me, it ain't fun at all. Was so nervous I slept fitfully, then raced down to Ian Potter's. Luckily I wasn't late and then sat down for The Talk. ALSO! on my way home I saw a double rainbow~ that made me feel a bit better since it's supposed to be lucky and all :D
I think, people don't realise how hard it is to come to terms with that - being an artist. It's a concept difficult to grapple, even moreso when you're as insecure about it as I. It really surprised her, that I only recently acknowledged my desire to be an artist (like, 2 weeks into August) so she's problably more excited about it than I. Went to NGV library and it is SO AWESOME. It's like tucked away in this annex, and you have to ring a bell and it's just so lovely and seculded<3 I could just hang around there forever~<3 There was this group of library-students who came in, and I had a lovely chat with their tutor besides researching. Finally narrowed my field down from 'Conceptual Art' to 'Bought a doughnut on the way home but it was dry and old, so I felt so wasted :( I really wanted a chocolate cream doughnut :( like, a really good one
Oh yeah, ARABESQUE IS COMPLETE!. BUY IT. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!
9 months, that baby. Nine months of photography, crazy logistics (hello we all live in different countries! amazing! cool! AND ALSO A BITCH.) Nine months of pure insanity - editing articles, writing, layoutting....we did almost 10 different drafts of the cover before settling on a final one (like, just 2 weeks ago how mad is that?) Then more and more contributors and omg now it's a 100++ page zine with over 13 colour pages *___________* SO. MUCH. WORK! but thank you so much everyone!! Your support is greatly appreciated<3~
Then cooked spare ribs on Friday, and Saturday was Jian's shoot. Blergh. I think I wanted to kill him, the weather and everyone halfway. The weather was a fucking bitch to shoot in (rain, overcast, wet roads) and he has NO FUCKING CLUE about perspective or working with photography as a medium. I got pretty exasperated by the evening yeahhh :/ Then had pork noodle soup with corn for dinner, and then POWER FAILURE *dies* Today was kinda crappy and cold though really...
K need to be up soon tomorrow to handle the rest of zine stuff. I think 15 copies is about right yeah?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:51 a.m.+
So like, d00de - today my water tastes like acetone D: All in all though, today wasn't too bad. I tried on my new salopette and it was all cool beans especially with a coat on and I did my groceries and shopping and all that and I ran into THREE different people I knew today. WTF is up, I wonder, entire city of Melbourne decide to come out on a Sunday? Thank God I didn't stay in the city for long, I bet I would've ran into more people I wanted to avoid. (quick! dodge left and duck into the street corner!)
I think she didn't recognise me at Laguna though, but I did and she was just behind me in the queue - it was so fucking weird moment. I mean, the only reason why I recognised her was her whiny voice (she was talking to her bf) and I can recognise voices anywhere even if the face escapes me. My first thought: Man, she's gotten skinny and trashy (which didn't defy my childhood prediction of her, but what the hell) I've found out if I don't talk, and keep my voice low people who knew me before will not recognise me as after because it's kinda hard to reconcile how I look now (short hair, cool-fashion vibes) with my primary school image. HUR. Then I ran into a hot guy, which was hot until he opened his mouth and then it was *facepalm* Then while catching the tram I ran into the waitress at Shinjuku Sushi (aka. lazy people day) and she's from shanghai and first year here at RMIT...w00t. Weirdness continues (along with the breakage of the 4th, 5th and 6th walls) and I run into Elizabeth along Sydney Rd carrying a basket of chips. Talk about over-coincidental days.
I'm in a strange mood. I facebook'ed searched some people I long dis-cared about just for curiousity, and then realised that maybe some things are best left unsearched. Maybe it's Aya leaving for London, but it's like the links I have to sg are getting more and more tenous each year. I can barely care anymore. I don't even remember.
Forgot to mention - last Thursday, NEON exhibition and RAIN. Pretty cool beans, good turn out. Air-kissed some people, got introduced as 'upcoming student with talent' I probably should've pulled a bit more charm into it, but I hadn't eaten all day (from 11am till 6pm) and I was pretty dead on my feet. STILL. Managed to catch the eye of this art d00de (manager of some sorts), Angela (ex-head of SCA) and a few other people. The swishy lolita dress probably helped :D Thank you, dress, for providing me memorability when I'm too lazy to rub up with everyone. I got home all nice and dry though, since I hitched a ride with Cherie instead of tramming like I originally intended. I got a hugz! from Barbara too (liek whoa!)
I think kinda yeahh....today was kinda weird. I guess I do carry grudges because I couldn't even bear to say hi to her, I didn't want to see her, or look at her. When she tried searching for my face, I turned away to look at the candy. It's so distrubing in a way
I dunno. It's been a very strange, tiring week. Draining. I feel like I lived it 3 times when I only did once and for 7 days it certainly feels like a long long time. Unbearably long. I hope this week will pass like a springtime breeze - cool and soft and hopeful.
OK, tsu out!
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:02 a.m.+
Today was a very slow type of day, very warm and snuggly<3 Actually when I woke up it was quite a horrible feeling, so I decided to take a walk after picking up drycleaning. Even walking to the tram stop....I felt so irritable :( It felt like the sun was too bright for such a cool day. I went down to the city, and ended up buying a bottle of black nailpolish and more skincare (on offer) Somehow, just buying the black nailpolish made me happy~ I ended up painting my nails outside the state library, while reading a book. In the end I painted only 3 nails out of each hand, so it looks a bit like Kame's xD;;;;
Met up with audy + jw who went to see the Anon protestors (for her thesis), seems like they really had fun! (now I'm sad to miss it lol) Lunched/Dinner'ed at Kaneda, then it started to pour so we wandered around the place and found this supercute shop!<3333 Tried on several things, and I found a pair of salopette that looked like ETC so I bought it :D Later I checked and it's from Earth Music&Ecology that's so cool right?????<3333333 *______* it's really cute and springlike, and good for school days too. I want to wear it with a blouse and tights, I think it'll look very cool xD
Went home because it was raining and cold; audy went to sleep since she didn't sleep since yesterday while I watched Holes and The Terminal on TV and cooked dinner + the kitty sleeping on the sofa. Very nice day, although now I'm quite tired x_x;;; I wonder why, these few days I feel so perpetuatly tired. I cleaned my room as well, which made me feel a bit better. Tomorrow I'll clear the trash and pass the accounts to JW and audy, since I finished it all on neat little excel sheets too.
going to bathe now~ sleepy~ also want to use my new promagrete lotion<3333
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+
this is the first time a subject - a university subject, has given me so much personal pain. Not like last semester which was simply mentally chanllenging, but I almost feel a kind of emotional anguish doing it. It's like a physical pain that clings, throws doubts and makes everything fall apart and I want to run away from it - but I can't, I can't run
what is asked of me
can I do it?
I think....deep down, I haven't really accepted being an artist. Am I an artist? Can I live with that label? I just feel.......I just feel a fear. Like I can't live up to it? also the niggling sense of just....dunno...apprenhension? excitement? fear? anxiety?
it's almost like this subject has hit it really hard on me, on what i am choosing and what am i to make to that choosing. what if i don't succeed?
sometimes i feel like a leaf
being blown at all directions
but just wanting to settle down
:/
it's a long day
think less, roll more
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:13 a.m.+
Sleepy...
Went to the park today for some sunshine and air, plus finish up Jenkins reading and do some skipping. Everytime I felt cold, I just did some skipping. It's a good way of keeping warm, and part of my Tsu Is Becoming Healthier(!) program....which is kinda working. I've more or less stopped eating cake except occasionally, and have started to eat more banannas and grapes as well as honey instead of sugar. My refined sugar intake has dropped, and well - I still have occasional cravings but they're a lot more controllable. Instead of having 5 CAKES! I just have one or sometimes even none. I haven't touched icecream in ages too.
I'm not really trying to lose weight, not drastically anyway. More like try to have a healthier lifestyle and include more fitness in my life. I've been at it for 3 weeks and already I can see minor improvements - my skin is much better, I sleep better and I can run further. Last time I could run from the tram stop to medicine building, now I can run from the tram stop to john medley! It's not a big deal to other people I guess, but it's a big deal to me considering I've never been fit ever.
Should look into getting some adidas shoes....my feet HURT. converses make my feet hurt :( my most comfortable pair is actually my lolita heels, but WTF you can't run in them (that's why I brisk walk to uni, try running in them!) I need a proper pair of shoes anyway, I don't really have ANY other shoes besides lolita ones *sadface* Part of the problem is I have really small ankles + wide hips = HELLO DISPROPORTIONATE in addition to really high arch on feet. When I run, I can actually feel my feet burn. I should really invest in a pair of good ones before I end up spraining my ankle or something equally dumb. And once it gets warmer, I can really start swimming again :D
Weight aside, the main reason why I want to do it is that hopefully it'll help manage my migraine/sleepless problem better. I find that if I spend just a couple of hours outside, I end up sleeping better even if all I did was sit around on some grass. I really don't want a rehash of those paralysing migraines again - it feels like shit, and it happens for no rhyme or reason :/ plus it stops me from working properly.
Tomorrow: presentation on Jenkins, write letter to real estate agents, print/photocopy grid slides, fold laundry. Must remember to grab a bananna for breakfast. I've started a must-eat-breakfast-whether-I-like-it-or-not policy so banannas are really my quickfix solutions. I can usually eat and walk at the same time and yar~ :D
going off to sleep now~
hope audy's and my stuff comes tomorrow!!
I want to wear something pretty for presentation because it makes me feel so much better<3
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:48 a.m.+
there are times I think that maybe the reason why I do media is like this; today I was walking when I sensed a change in the air - like a hum, a quiet sting being plucked that felt like the skin of the water when you skate a hand across the surface.
Instinct: Youth will not be the benchmark of beauty much longer. The endless quest of plucking and posing and pricking will end soon, people will stop wanting to be doll-like and flawlessly young. Young, I clarify, not youthful. I think a tide is changing. Young beauty is an accident; it is beautiful but shallow and vapid and media's desire for pre-pubescents will end soon. I think it's a bit like comparing pop soda with wine - there are times where after gorging yourself silly it'll feel sickening and too sweet, cloying. Then afterwards, you long for wine.
I'm not sure what to make of this, only that I sense - I know this will happen soon. I'm curious to see what will happen, but somehow, I think it already has.
The past few days I've been rather ill, seasonal sickness I think. I feel sick every time the season changes, it affects me no matter how much I want to celebrate it. It's basically all over with migraines and shit, and on Thursday I felt so sick I couldn't even move. Thank god for ibroupfen w/ codeine though, I plopped 2 in and sank back to sleep.
Today was really warm though! I woke up feeling refreshed after sleeping 14hrs :D I raked the yard, had breakfast, did some situps, then walked around Royal Park before meeting up with Steph and Magadelen. I haven't seen them for such a long time, and it was just wonderful~ they brought me to eat cupcakes and OMG THE RED VELVET WAS SO GOOD!!!<3
Bought another book from Paperback, a rather lovely titled: 'Things People Throw Away' by Raymond Allan. It's the kind of book you can just read for the sheer sound of it, the words and images flow together - is really pretty. You can't help but want to follow his words, watch it as though it'll never quite end.
Dinner at sushi masa, had uni (good) and this new fish called 'aburo no hoshino'(????????) THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. It was so clean, so fresh it just shot straight into your brain and stayed there. Had ten zaru soba for dinner, and was really good<3333333 I love sushi masa, it's just such a great place for food. Walking back, the weather was so warm it felt like summer. I was only wearing the thinnest of cardigans, but it still felt comfortable enough despite the wind. I think I really do love early spring, it's pretty much my favourite time of the year (next to autumn, but I look forward more to sunlight than less of it) I like how it smells; all the flowers so thick and rich and pungent, little ghostly wisps of perfume that you can smell but can't quite place where it comes from.
Of course, the side effects is all the bugs have started to awaken and I'm going to start by mosquito-coil habit soon
Going to sleep soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:05 a.m.+
I've been thinking a lot about food lately - partily because I cook, partily because I picked up a book 'Plenty' by Gay Bilson. She's an excellant writer, and gives much food for thought. I first heard of her in an ABC documentary, and was pleasantly blown-away by the depth and mediation of her thought.
I already wrote what I wanted about food and grace on LJ, the communal aspect, the social and the gift of labour bestowed by the cook. But now I want to talk about places for eating alone.
Monday hit really hard, so I decided to spend some time alone. I finished some work, bought a book and proceeded to have dinner by myself at the same restaurent I always have dinner at when alone. I love this restaurent not for it's food, but because it's ambience is welcoming to single diners. It's not often you find a place empty and quiet enough to sit and dine alone without feeling awkward, so I'm grateful for such a place.
Eating out, I think - is a very interestingly modern concept. It's a kind of freedom from the work of cooking, but at the same time it's putting a pricetag on something that should be free. I find it a pleasure to eat out sometimes, because I cook so much. I suppose the reason why eating out is so popular with people is because it emphasises the social aspect without the labour of prep behind it. In a way, the whole concept of eating out is literally created for entertainment.
But. What of those who eat alone?
It becomes then, a mediation on the food and self. Because I had no one to talk to, I could pay more attention to the taste of rice vinegared octopus in my mouth, the play of butter salmon and the quiet of my own thoughts; undisrupted.
I'll just think about it more then
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:25 a.m.+
There are days I wake up and all I want to do is shoot everyone in sight; their disgusting laughter and fuctioning bodies, the callousness of living heat and each of them so filthy, irritating and noisy. The destruction will be pure and simple and quick, so fast that you'll be dead before you know it and then - thank god for the silence and good riddance to humans. This is one of those days.
It's like the kind of day where all you want is a long and endless taxi ride at night, where you can watch others from the warm and safety of a cab and the world is far far far away - far like the distance of parted glass. Flicker of lights and your skin is painting shades; melting colours miraging illusions so faint, flicker and go past - you don't have to stay and let them impress on you; so fleeting they are. All the murderous intent is soothed by the wash of distance and cold cold glass.
This week has been busy, but when has it not? I think my life slips away from me sometimes, so fast the days fall off the string that I can barely count the time. Like this, all life is so weightless. I feel weightless. Unbearably light, how can being be so light? A lightness so blue, it feels like sawdust of skies.
granular.
modularity.
I made curry last week, it went down well. I had an assignment due, I handed that up as well. I talked to people. I went through the motions the way people sit on the toilet sit and shit. Passing through, passing through. Pass through the hordes of people, the mass of flickers and yet together - we are a weightless mass. A cold, cold despair has settled in. So cold and so blue.
It feels like a loop
the truth is
we were much too young
Saturday was bad. I should have never gone out on Saturday. I don't like crowds or noise or masses of people, they drive me crazy and give me migraines but somehow I got persuaded into watching a movie at 11.50. To be absolutely honest - I find it distressing. It's almost like a physical stress; it makes me feel sick and nauseaous and stressed by people partying. It's the same discomfort I feel in a church, when the people turn into en masse and it just makes me want to retreat more into myself and get away. I don't care if it makes me boring and middle-aged, I just can't tolerate it. I didn't really want to watch District 9 either :x I like science fiction, but from the premise I could tell it was going to be bloody and horrific and disgusting. And it was bloody and horrific and disgusting.
Sometimes when I don't want something, it's not about leaving my comfort zone but knowing my limits. The noise from all the bars and the movie just culuminated into a big, retarded mess of pain for me. Can't sleep, feel sick and crappy as fuck.
:(
I'm just going to have this day to myself. Wander the maze, let the paths open and it's just like that - a trifle. I'm going to get a book, a bowl of beef soup noodles and maybe watch UP! and walk home. A cold day. It's like putting your tongue against the icicle, and letting it rip; painfully and numb.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:38 p.m.+
I'm in uni, hiding out. It's actually spring now, the sky is all clear and bright and blue - as though winter washed all the summer dirt away until it's back all nice and new. There's wisps of clouds like breathes against the sky, and you're like: 'Why am I stuck inside writing essays?!?!" Or at least, that's how it gets.
gotta run for lect now, brb
+tsu waited for you at 12:55 p.m.+
Looking at osea_chello's post makes me crave za leong cheong fun. It's a fairly difficult dish to make - they don't make it in Singapore anymore either (Killeny used to sell, but IDK if they sell it still). It basically consists of a deep-fried crispy savoury dough wrapped up in rice noodles and steamed, then topped off with seasame seeds, hot seasame oil and dark soy sauce. It's really delicious - the skin basically 'melts' in your mouth revealing a crispy yeasty doughnut-like centre.
Actually I can't think of any decent places to have dimsum in Melb, but then again my standards are pretty high :/ ahhhhhh I really miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, currently undergoing sugar rehab. Apparently it's possible to have a sugar addiction, and ever since I've tried to cut back - I can verify that it *IS* true. It's basically like undergoing cold turkey, only that people laugh at you. You feel sick, naseasous, tired, moody and cranky at the universe :/ It's like undergoing rehab, only without the tabloids
Other than that, the weather's been ranging from sunny springlike warm to fucking cold. Today it's back to Fucking Cold, which is a pity since yesterday was pretty great. Did figure drawing, then had the most awesome italian lunch at D.O.C <333 buffalo mozzerella! tiramisu! and TRUFFLE PIZZA! omg. when I ate it I thought I just died and gone to heaven. It was studded with porcini mushrooms, pecorino, buffalo mozzerella and of course, TRUFFLES. so heavenly<3 I usually lunch there on weekdays, but on fri/sat/sun they turn into a pizza place. SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!
Then today was pretty lazy, but I did all my laundry which is GOOD because I was running out of underwear. I wanted to sleep till 3, but I accidentally set the time wrongly so I ended up sleeping till 4.15 DDDDDx how could such a mistake happen?!?!?!?! So strange. I guess I really can't count time at all
ARGH KITTY HAET!!!!!!!!!!! MAKING FUN OF ME AND CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :( :( :(
anyway should be sleeping soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:37 a.m.+
turn it on for an electric feel
OK. Panic's over. Not quite, but almost there.
Sometimes I just.....I just struggle to see the point of this, within all the futility. To some extent it really feels nihilistic to do so much, so briefly, to yearn and BAM! all over like a sunset. It helps too, when the sun is shining and the wind clears my head, sharpening all the senses with an icy knife. Jiawei thinks I'm mad of course, I've turned on the fan in my room for that reason just to breathe
On another note, I've been taking vitamin B supplements to deal with sleeplessness and nervous tension. TBH it doesn't help at all with the nervous tension, but omg - my skin and hair look amazing (side effects: tastes awful and stinky pee). Curious if the effect was because I cut down sugar, I gave some to jw as well and she reported the same benefits; her hair is less oily and frizzy and her pimples are gone (so are mine actually). It's remarkable considering I've only been taking it for a few days. I'm guessing because our diet is so unvaried, we probably lack some vitamins that most people take for granted. It doesn't really help with sleep, but I do see an improvement overall.
OK time for class - today's plan: develop film, drop off frame at VCA and pick up from books from Lenon Parr (743.3) and grab some decent lunch and read Gamer's Theory.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:44 p.m.+
*cue music*
Week. Weeks are long and ponderous, stretched like canvas and ironed bedsheets and rituals and routines that you don't really stop anymore - think
Friday was a mad rush of sewing and Jiawei's birthday and just running around collecting things. Up and down, down and up and checking my phone constantly for time time time. Audrey was still sulking in her room, what could I do? I merely did my best, and that was that. Clear the dust, air the sheets, clean up and tomorrow's the photoshoot and you just have to get it going. Saturday was bloody awful. The wind was awful. The balloons got entangled. It was NOT as I envisioned it and I have this horrible, horrible feeling I just wasted my time and money doing something. Horrible. Something horrible. I don't even want to know what I shot and processed, or even think about it too much. Horrible. I was just so tired and uninspired, and everything seemed so grey.
Saturday made way for Sunday, which was full of 'THANK GOD I CAN FINALLY SLEEP.' and the weekend ended far too fast for my liking. Monday came, and I almost skipped media futures because I was so tired. So tired jiawei actually put the toothbrush and toothpaste in my hand because I was just staring blankly at the mirror. Then Tuesday was meeting up with T.A. for regarding the thesis, cold winds (bad), new cafe (good) and Nerd Party a.k.a. reading group. It was really bloody cold on Tuesday, the winds were so bad that treebranches were breaking and falling all over - but came home and made centuryegg dumpling soup, which was delicious and extremely well recieved. And Wednesday? Hiding and full of procastination.
I'm just tired. I have a million things to do; all listed and ready in order but none of them done. I feel stretched thin and thinly spread, like miserly butter on a piece of godforsaken toast and the feel of fibre and sawdust. Choked up but not enough, and irritable to an extent of feeling suffocated and airless.
Tomorrow: return all white props, send rolls for development, go rowden white and borrowed a book on anatomy and START SKETCHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
still feeling sick
why can't this greyness end?
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:23 a.m.+
Skipped today's lecture on heidigger - just can't take it anymore. Too much abstraction is driving me crazy, and I just can't focus. I feel scattered and stretched, paperthin and flimsy and there's too many opinions and people talking too much and I just don't have the space to sit and think and that's all I want to do, really.
OK OK go home, cook dinner and curl up
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:44 p.m.+
Sleeplessness. Still is. I had approx 4 hrs of sleep/wake/sleep.....nightmares so real I woke up wondering why I was still alive. I love sleeping, but falling asleep is an agony. A mechanical claw that hangs over, trembling pillows are actually maggots in the dark, and the sensation of being stabbed over and over again until I woke up, feeling my thigh looking for blood
I don't know what's wrong, only that it seems like the dreams will never end
Daybreak dissolves dreams into figments, scattered sunlight like lasers chasing invading ships - no monster can live in such clear and harsh light. I like the night but I don't like dark - not the physical dark, but the dark that gestates and gestures with things in it. Things I cannot name.
I'm tempted to run down the pharmacy for sleeping pills, the blessed relief of dreamlessness and blank void - to just close your eyes and let sleep overcome you softly, spiralling down and you're alseep even before you know it.
Maybe I'm reading too much. Abstraction is a distraction from reality - what is real? Real is the taste of food, the scent of spring, the heat of sunshine on skin, the feel of yarn pulled between my fingers, the clack of needles, the rush of trams running in the morning and the low, muffled laughter from chattering below. The grounding is important. Ground like earth, like toes without shoes and grass that smells like shit and dirt and scurryingness and that's it, that's the skin of it. The ground we walk on.
Argh. I just hate this week. I hate the fact that my internet is down and I haven't had any sleep. I just want life to be normal as is, deasin deracinated.
Doubtless, it will pass in time. But right now, living in it is waking nightmares and nightime horrors and everything blended together. I feel sick and nauseaous all the time, I can barely tolerate water much less food.
back to work. day is short and night stretches forever, endless is that magic - that horror- that is night.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:10 p.m.+
I'm getting migraine attacks more frequently, finally upgraded from neurofen to ibroupfen with codeine+. It's not very severe like before (paralysing pain) but it's coming more frequently, usually accompanied by bouts of nausea and an aversion to light/sound. I can't really watch TV without feeling slightly sick at times.
Made beef bourgingion last week, then baked pork and now I did stirfry today. Weekend was spent mostly slacking and catching up on sleep - Thursdays are the worst for me, I just feel so drained/want to crash right after. Watched Coraline on Monday, not bad but made me dizzy and scared....oh yeah! I went to Cleg's as well and now I'm knitting a pink scarf~ it's so cute and plush! Then today I went for the Flusser reading group
Nowadays, it's like I think so much I don't want to think anymore.....I'm enjoying uni though, but not really the main course. I'm going to sound elitist, but I prefer the reading group to the tutorial because 1. everyone is on the same level 2. everyone has done their reading 3. discussion actually brings up new ideas, instead of just rehashing what we know. I *like* abstract thought and contemplating new ideas, I just don't find it during tutorials since a huge bunch of them just don't have the foundation to work. You can't really debate on Flusser or Delueze if you don't even understand Jenkins yet. JW was like: 'you need to dumb it down for them' but I don't want to - why should I?
Anyway it's really fun (if a bit nerdy). We get pizza and chocolate and doughnuts, and just sit around and chat about theory. It feels so SMRT like SMRTIES. lulz.
oh yar, trolled my media tute this week. FUNNIES. girls edging their chairs away from my unhygenicness and jw calling me chor lor....reminds me to aya's chor-loli scenerio lol
Also finished gesso-ing the birdcage and frame - now I wish I was less cheapo and got so arcylic as well because I had to apply so many layers to get it to work. Took sooooooooooo long Dx it's just too thin to paint properly with, so tomorrow when I pick up the chair with jian I'm going to get some proper paint with it as well. And I need to finish sewing the train and get a new UV filter too. It's hard with so many things going on, but I'll be glad when the photoshoot is over this weekend and I can move on from it. JUST PLEASE BE SUNNY AND NICE. PLEAAAAASE!
This weekend is also the kitty's birthday, so we shall have scallops and nice yummy things :D I think we'll celebrate on Friday because then it'll give me some time to prepare and also 'cos Saturday is the shoot so it's quite a tight schedule for me. Haven't even done the location scouting yet mehhhhhhh :(
first I need a bath then I'm going off to sleep. headache getting worse and tomorrow I need to be up by 11am.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:33 a.m.+
IMPLODE EXPLODE BRAIN DAMAGE!!!!!!!@_@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tiredtiredtired
=_____________=
SHE ATE MY BROWNIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T__________T
STUPID KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
kk
going home soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:11 p.m.+
murrr~ sleepy~ Consultation today, got thesis approved! YESSSSSSS *_____* then had a really good lunch and the Italian lady gave me free marzipan chocolate which was so awesome and delicious<333333333 Didn't really like the cream soda as much though, made me feel really thirsty afterwards.
Crashed into the media futures reading group, and it was pretty fun, if intense. It's kinda like a bigger version of the discussions jw and I have together sometimes about media but just without time limits and everyone being on the same level. Thought about going to watch Coraline but ended up going home for dinner instead - it was so cold!!! D: Did some laundry (FINALLY CLEAN CLOTHING!) and yay! My DLS JM stripe dress arrived *_*<3333333 so happy~ it fits really well too, the bust and length is perfect. My only gripe is that I wish the shoulder straps was a bit longer, but that's a problem I have with most dresses so it didn't really bother me overly much
Went home for beef burgingion, TV and bad internet. The weather's been so awful lately it's fucking up the internet/phonelines. For that reason, I bought some books to read just in case the net went down again - mostly science fiction (again. what's new?) Got Cat's Cradle, Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Repossession Mambo :D yay for books! Total science fiction addiction man....I swear half the reason I can tolerate new media wank is that it gives me an excuse to wax lyrical about DennouCoil-ish stuff like RFIV tags, uber-survelliance and cool new words like: 'cybernetics' hurhurhurhur xD i feel so smrttttt xDDDD
Anyway gotta sleep now - going to VCA tomorrow to pick up my chair, get my hair cut (SINCE THE LAST WEEK. I WANTS MY HAIR CUT NAO.) and get more naps. Naps. I<3syou when it is cold *_* oooo~ <3 <3 <3 sleeeeepp
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 05:05 a.m.+
Cold, cold day. Finally finished both proposals at 4am and then woke up at 12 for class. Then lunch at Animal Orchestra with JW and Mariam after sending the CV, folio + stuff to SCA - ran into a fellow student there too.
I feel so sick of winter already :/ I wanna break out some summer clothes!!! D: Also, it's so cold. I kinda regret wearing a thin summerish top under my cardigan because the weather turned for worse so quickly... I've so far resisted shopping (miraculously) but damnit, I really want this JM polkadot JSK (light blue). The last one went for like, 17000? This one has been relisted TWICE already so I'm really really hoping for it :x AHHH LIGHT BLUE WHY ARE YOU SO ADDICTIVE?!
That said, I was plenty stupid the past week. Last week was like WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!TSU ver 1.0 I managed to break the zip of my fairywish skirt (it actually went CRIK! when the tooth broke) and tear the back of my MILK stripe OP (warning to self: do NOT try to stretch in a sleeved OP and play catching x_X;;) Then during the vintage fair on Saturday, I broke the shop door with a poke. Honestly, I don't know how I do it D: It's like disaster all the time!!
Still listening to Nick Cave, so addictive. His voice is like salty buttersotch laced with whiskey, how delicious~ Also made beef burgingion yesterday, so it tasted so much better today. Beef burgingion makes me happy as well, that kind of cooking is helps calm me down since it has so many steps and keeps well. It's good to eat on a cold day.
tired now, going off to sleep
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 11:43 p.m.+
black seeds sow'n wild harvest
black seeds sowing a wild harvest; somehow - an aching landscape comes to play full of cellos and smoke, of cawing rooks and castlings and elusives allisons at play. kyrie eleision you can hear the voices raised heavenward, please, please have mercy as the wild seeds sown a blackened harvest
kyrie, kyrie eleison
I think of night and texture; black velvet bible black black as sineaters - old knowledge and older words that roll off a passage of memory like abandoned stars. In passageways, they hang like columns of defrosted ice made of dirt and scum and space-cheese and melting skies. Striding through them, is that somewhere
This week hasn't been great. Feels like falling; downslope like a badly drawn trebleclef, down like a hit of backbone on drums. //someone's making music//outta cannibal bones//all meat and flesh athumpin'//death and dancin' and rock and roll// I feel scattered, like bits and pieces and it honestly feels like shit. Brain, gun, guts; explode. Well, anyway.
Mostly I'm just disinterested. I just wanna go back, retreat and play polytonal music all day on nicovideo. I don't really feel like working, I don't feel like thinking, I don't feel like feeling anything either. I just ain't feelin' it is the capcha phrase of the day, along with the pre-requsite (:/). It's like my imagination needs a break, hell I need a break - I kinda need some time to fallow myself then I can think up something cool. I don't think cool overnight, howermuch it seems.
It's mostly the experimental project + thesis bugging me, the whole WTF IS THIS SHIT feeling and I'm not sure if there's anything in the world that can hold my attention for 13 weeks STRAIGHT. Even for lolita, I take a break from it every time or so and I'm not really that keen either. I'm a bit too restless to stay in, a bit too tired to go running about - which explains the slightly queasy, naseauous feeling that's been bugging me the whole day.
Talked to Mr James yesterday, tracked him down using google and waybackmachine hurhurhur. It helped clear my head, put it in easy simple words. Decisions are scary, big life-changing ones even moreso. I guess now is really the 'turn left point', do I have anything to lose? Will I have anything to lose? Mr James reckons that at least now I have something to fall back upon, and if I don't like it, I can always go back to being a coperate monger.
Composing emails...I really hate it. Hm. I hate composing most mundane things (lol) I think in some way, the reason why I like mr james is that he's kinda like the art mentor I never really had. Like I never really had any formal art training in AEP or even in JC - if I wanted to learn something, be it sfumato technique or charcoal or glaze; it was always mr james. And it was he that opened up stuff like Kiekegaard and Beckett for me and yeah, I still remember learning how to draw and how my arm hurt after doing too much measured drawing and hot tea (never liked it till then LOL)
That reminds me, need to buy more bowls for the house and also UV filter.
kk, time for some tea
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 07:56 p.m.+
Pain. Exhaustion. Pain. Repeat.
Everything hurts, especially lights.
So tired I started crying, and even better - fell asleep during a lecture. Everything is just going wrong. The entire week is going wrong. The world seems tilted sideways, crooked and beaten up and I'm standing in the middle of it waiting for the wreck to fall upon my head.
I kinda regret taking experimental projects now. It's a really REALLY heavy course - actually, it's considered part of honours for SCA (wow, genius tsu for picking a genius course). My sincereist feeling is to stab the fucker, but I can't since I'm already in it and more or less signed on. Also, I hate quitting art projects. It just doesn't feel right with me. I feel like I should call someone and ask for advice, but who?
Anyway my migraine is killing me
Needs moar painkillers x_x
nights' all
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 09:02 p.m.+
Someone needs to take me off NicoVideo forever and ever and ever *___*
I'm like watching EVERY SINGLE VOCALOID REMIX of Evangelion. You know how sick that is? You know the depth of my otaku-fandom? D: D: D: I keep telling myself I have work to do but instead I'm searching for '残酷な天使のテーゼ kaito' or '残酷な天使のテーゼ vocaloid' =_=;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
OK take a deeeeeep breath, take the NERV jacket off and go back to sewing.
*edges away slowly*
Neko is right though, most of the vocaloids for Eva are kinda crap - wonder why people aren't making better ones. I want a Kamui Gakupo one!! :D :D :D I wonder if they upload anime eps on to NicoVideo...hmmm...more timewasting of uni bandwidth...hmmmm DECISIONS.
kk I should really go back to research.
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:45 a.m.+
Urgh so much to update, so little time:
- met Sefie at Mt Dandendongs' last weekend, omg I think my stomach flopped when going round and round the mountainous highways Dx it was really good though! Her kitty is so cute, and I got nutella icecream *______*~
- watched Harry Potter and it was really good! I enjoyed it :D I know it's not very similar to the book version - but I'm glad it isn't because the book needed some heavy editing. The characterisation was great and Draco was more than another 2-d character...and my washing machine came! :D the driver guy was so funny LOL and omg NEW AND CLEAN BEDSHEETS ARE THE BEST THING EVER.
- ran errands on wednesday; I sold all my spare 120 film to this guy called Andrew, dropped by soda rock for lunch, picked up KERA from kangakanga (taka-san!!)t, met up with jiawei at gpo, and then to collingwood to get her scanner repaired. It was soooooooo far away D: then we went back through Lygon and sat around in borders and had nabeyaki for dinner at toki
- sunday = MAD RUSH TO GET TULLE! but spotlight was already closed D: I got a really good deal on a wool cardigan from Kinki Gerlinki though, only $35! (original price, $70) hurhurhurrrr also got discount pies from Green and ate brownies and blackforestcaek<3 then we all went down to finish the last of the pork soup lol
- ran MORE errands today, first day of uni and there was this HUGEASFUCK!queue at the arts office because the system had crashed and EVERYONE'S subjects were disapproved (lulz) because of the fitting in the morning with Liz, I forgot my handphone too =_=;;;;;; but the fitting went well, and I'm so excited! I should really call up VCA though and start booking props before MUDFEST people reserve them (hurrrr kiasu!) OK tmr have meeting with my supervisor....I should actually go sleep now x_X I took a nap earlier but I'm still tired
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:28 a.m.+
Urgh, the bane of my life has to be dry skin this winter. It's so dry it's causing my skin to itch and rash really badly, and the only way to stop it is to lather on moisturiser and NOT turn on the heater/use hot water. It's a really terrible choice: do I want to be cold and not-itchy or warm and itchy? D: Either that or I need to get a stronger moisturiser, because it just feels like itchy hell
Went to see the Dali exhibition on Wednesday, and it was really good! I kept thinking of what Mr. James once said to me though: 'Most people don't realise how small oil paintings are' and LOL, so trueeeeee. Some of them are really small, about the size of your palm (what brush did he use? 00s?) It's pretty fun, looking at his progression of work. Like whoa, his student work is really student-y and learning about his life; a bit of showman and networker I think but very cool all the same. I bought stuff at the souveneir shop! Namely a melting clock for mom, and a hairclip for myself :D the clip is really cool, you can wear it as a hairclip AND a brooch and it's perfect for dressing up a boring outfit.
Did sewing today, will have to do more tomorrow...argh, really argh D: Need more tulle. Need more tulle. NEED MORE TULLE. This is when I remind myself the 10000x reasons why I'm just a photographer and not a fashion student. Next time I'm gonna make my life easier and do something that doesn't require so much time, effort and money. Doesn't help that the scannner is down, so I can't even scan in the photoshoot which I got back :( It looks good though, from what I can see.
KK, tomorrow need to get stuff
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:09 a.m.+
Urgh I have the most awful eurotrash techno on now, but it's so addictive because I just watched....BRUNO! apparently it's R21 in SG, so lolz - it's only M15 here hahahaha. I suppose the meatspin is kinda R21, although most of it is more cringeworthy than anything else. Especially the Cage Match...HAHAHAHAH I think I nearly died of laughter when Celine Dion came on...it was like, total WTF. Although to be honest the entire movie is one *BIG* WTF
Didn't really do much today - it hailed! Really cold today...although somehow I like the sound of hail. They go 'plink plink plink' against the glass like icy pachinko balls, a bit terrifying but awesome as well. Grey and foggy day where the clouds hug close to the earth like a fluffy down blanket, and your warm breath comes out in little puffs of condensation. Also a really good day to eat curry, although we settled for pasta in the end. I still want to eat curry though....especially ying thai. I don't know why but I have such a craving for something spicy, probably because it's so cold now
Spent yesterday cleaning....SO. MUCH. DIRT. I felt so itchy afterwards, but now my room is nice and sparkling and all my cardigans are nicely folded and stacked :D Also also also!!! I cleaned my bookshelf! :D I love seeing all of it neatly stored, plus it makes it so much more convienient when I'm having a booky day and I just want to roll around the floor and read. Booky days are good! Thinking of starting on the Nabokov Luzhin's Defense, or re-reading Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close again. It made me cry the first time, although crying for a book is kinda like peeling onions since you know you're gonna cry anyway o.o
Won my auctions at the START PRICE too wow~ today is weirdly lucky for me, although I've been sniffling a bit. Cold/hot/cold/hot makes me fall sick really quickly, so I'm trying to stay on the 'good' side of healthy with more veg....I found that if I cook a big enough stew and if it turns brown enough - I'll eat the stuff I don't usually like, ie. sweet potatoes, carrots, eggplant, pumpkin. I cooked 'slop' yesterday though....you know the fairytale about the 'Nail soup' where everyone in the village basically dunked whatever they had to make a soup? It's a russian fairytale, and well - that's basically what I did. It contained a hella lot of weird things, but it kinda evened out in the end to something vaguely delicious and decent.
shit, now that I talk about it I'm kinda hankering for a bowl of slop as well
Tomorrow I *REALLY* need to make an early start and run errands though. First up is to go Richmond and send my film for processing, buy a washing machine and possibly do some fabric hunting. 18th I'm having a day with sefie, 20th going to watch Harry Potter, 27th my model is coming back/first day of new semester. So that means a lot of running around and shit :/ I also need to MAKE SURE that my porfolio is up and running before the 27th, and Arabesque details are finalised.
okay, gonna sleep soon
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:26 a.m.+
lemon trees for a lemonade orchard
So, the last few weeks have been whirlwinds. I feel bad for ditching pitas, because it's always been a friend to me. Soft and comfortable like a worn blanket that you wrap around your shoulders; fabric is soft and worn and loved, and you sit down and dictate.
Met up with Tarine a week week ago. She came from Canberra, and it was really fun! Spent an entire day walking, chatting about art/food/cooking/random stuff, trying delicious cakes (yay for le petit gateau and philippa's and gaunche chocolate!) It was really fun~ I hope she comes back to visit again :D
Then did Derive straight after, and prepared for the second photoshoot immediately. I was really stressed during that 2 weeks because it was like: visit from tarine, derive/arabesque editing, photoshoot with chantelle 3 days later. And the photoshoot was a mess because I basically *rushed* through the arrangements for it, she was only in Melbourne for a week so I couldn't fuck up and reshoot, had to make sure the weather was OK and that we met up in the right place and that I got *everything* ready in order. And since I couldn't talk to her personally before the shoot, I was so stressed because I wasn't sure if I conveyed what I wanted clearly.
Day before shoot went to walk around flemington area, ended up in Monee Valley. 5km????? It felt really good anyway. Lots of futuristic-y William Gibson-ish freeways and architecture, and it felt good to walk. Got chilly later, but that's later so it was okay while we walked. Anyway I really did feel much better.....it's really relaxing.
Woke up at 9am on the day itself to check my results and got: Pass (Modes/Codes), Pass (Writing Journo), H2A (NetComn), H2A (Japanese Culture). A bit disappointed but understandable....honestly I'm just glad the semester is OVER because it was total shit, especially writing journalism D: NetComn was a bit of a bitch 'cause I missed a H1 by ONE MARK so I'm sure it's mike being a petty asshole but ah well - wtv. I just can't be arsed anymore.
Anyway I didn't really have time to deliberate over my results because I was supposed to meet Chantelle at 10am and the results were released at 9 >_< in my haste, I had totally forgotten the handbag! *dies* so I texted her to say I would be late, and ran back to get it. Met her at the hotel lobby, and she's really lovely<3 The shoot was based around 1950s/60s glamour hollywood look and she was perfect for it. I bought a fucktonne of hairspray, hairgel, bobbypins and stuff so that I could pin her hair into the perfect shellac'ed shape. She looked really gorgeous, and the side camilla? So chanel!<33333333
Started with degraves st, had breakfast, then moved down towards southbank. She's a really beautiful model though, and looks so great! We got stopped by a little girl who thought she was a real-life barbie xDDDDD;;;; her grandma was so nice too, and complimented her on her dressing<3 I feel inordinately happy because I styled her, even though I was wearing jeans. My jeans though, are a wreck because I sat in a puddle of mud made by myself. One of the photos required a puddle, so I poured bottle water in the ground to make puddle and take pics of her jumping over it. IDIOTICALLY, I sat in the same puddle I made. UM. genius moment =_=;;;;;;;;;;
Anyway the shoot went well, I'm excited! I really want to see how it looks like in the end<3 also meeting chantelle was really wonderful; I really feel like we have so much in common, which makes it easier to be friends :D Came home and dropped dead asleep though. I slept for like...12hrs straight and skipped dinner. I was just so tired.
Next day went for the Forever Barbie exhibition, and it was pretty fun and wander-y. Cold though! Sat around Federation sq, had kenzan@gpo tempura for lunch too<3 made the beef stew for dinner, was so delicious!!!!!
Today is cold and dead, and woke up late :/ I'm now slightly hungry as well whatttt and that dratted kitty finished all my icecream as well ;___; madagascar vanilla bean ;_________; OK tmr I *really* need to do a room cleaning
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:37 a.m.+
tired, stressed, working, repeat. tomorrow's the photoshoot day, and i'm nervous and drained (now). morning didn't really start well with packages coming in, mechanic saying the washing machine is dead, then jiawei going crazy with cleaning, carpenters up the block etc etc etc. other things I desperately need to do this week are: accounts (VERY IMPORTANT) and writing up a sales post for the IW stuff. URGH. sense my procastination? haaaaaaet
also paid $90 in library fines yesterday :(
this sucks man
went for walk yesterday - slept only 4 hours but i felt awake. now i've slept 7hrs and i feel like dead. had octopus stirfry yesterday as well, think i finally mastered the control for a dry, sticky-sweet sauce.
just cold, and freezing. this morning pretty much sucks hardc0re
tempted to go and sleep for a bit, but then i need to sleep early today and therefore i can't nap if i want a regular sleep schedule (wow, those words)
also kinda irritated at audrey. sleeps at some ungodly hour, and wakes up at some equally ungodly hour. it's nothing to do with that kind of schedule, but more like if you want to follow it - don't be bitching when workmen come in the daytime to do repairs. seriously, it's your problem if you wanna sleep at 7am and the workmen come at 9am because uhhh that's normal for everyone else? also, terribly difficult to get hold of her. i don't know what her problem is, and i don't really want to know. it's her problem, she should sort it out herself but her problems shouldn't interfere with the daily household management. even if you want to eat out everyday, you still have to pay for groceries.
that reminds me, I need to do groceries as well.
this week is my turn, and i have a craving for a good, solid beef stew. maybe i'll go make some later for tonight. topside chunks, potatoes, carrots, tomato puree, onions, bay leaf etc. I'll cook it in the oven or ricecooker to let it slowly reduce itself. I also found that a combination of cocoa powder + cornflour is better for velveting than cornflour alone, IDK why. makes it a tad richer, I suppose
urgh OK I'll go at 5pm~
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 02:30 p.m.+
murr I'm tired. Last week was a bitch, this week I'm just drained. Sometimes I just feel so pressured to perform, so much so that arghhhhhh, it just makes me want to sleep forever.
I really hope the weather holds well till Thursday. PLEASE. no rain, no fog, no clouds. Just pure, clear sunshine. I only have one chance for this photoshoot so nkdaskjfjkdsf IT MUST BE PERFECT.
Other news: tired, stressed, cut my fringe, my hair's a mess - it's growing too long again but I loathe to cut it because it's cold and wintry and long hair provides a good shield against the wind. I'm tired because of all the photoshoots I'm doing, the website I'm building and Arabesque going into production. Magazine editing is *A LOT* of work. Resizing, changing everything to 600dpi, proofing, scanning more images, layoutting......the list goes on forever @_@ it doesn't help that it seems like 2 of our main contributors have disappeared @_@;;;;; In addition, there is the 'stress I *don't* need from my family - right now, I don't want to talk to *any* of them. At all.
Tomorrow - more pics of fabrics, go spotlight, grab some accessories for chantelle, prepare for Thursday (hairpins, silk flowers, hairspay, hatpins). I managed to run a few errands today as well: got the 1960s bag, illford hp5 b/w and some discount polaroid on offer. Also recieved my flybuys card which is *GREAT* since I haven't done this week's groceries, and shall do so tomorrow. I need a bath too, but it's fucking cold. COLD :(
Oh yeah, transgendered!nero is officially the house mascot lol
House washing machine needs a repair as well, spin function is broken. Send mail out as well, also do film stocktake. Just got my meta skirt as well~<3 so cute! very comfortable as well<3 what else what else hmmmm? Argh will think of more later.
I should probably give my room a clean or two, and recalibrate my monitor too :/ Just finish making tones as well, now fooling around on colourlovers.com to make designer palettes.
gotta sleep soon, sleep cycle reset! thursday have a 10am appointment so i need to get sleeping properly now
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 10:11 p.m.+
....I think the rule of life is that I only start working after 3am. See, now it's 6.30am and I am finally happily sketching the photoshoot I'm going to do~ I got the reference pics I wanted, and I'm quite sure of what I want (good) also know what she's wearing (good) and what kind of film/stuff to use (good) but not so sure of locations (bad)
.....so tomorrow I'm going on a location field trip! :D
scouting places in the city suitable for a photoshoot
a lot of thoughts today
get them settled tomorrow
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 06:23 a.m.+
........so jw was actually suffering from seasonal depressing. Wahhhhhhhhh Dx it does make things a bit more difficult to live with, but at least now we know why she's so grounchy and snappish. Anyway, yesterday was really tiring so I woke up at 4.30-5pm today @__________@ it doesn't help that the cold weather makes it unbearable to get out of bed (and it makes me lazy to go out too) Now I have to make sure I have a hat, coat, umbrella, scarf and all sorts of things before leaving the house because it's just too cold otherwise.
things to do tmr:
- send out Moitie cutsew
- make keys (melb central)
- buy so-en
- go camera xchange; UV filter and check prices for alicia
- go south yarra; ganache chocolate (if have time)
- go borders lygon
to-do within the next week or so
- scan so-en and fudge
- buy fabric needed for wedding shoot
- make wedding train
- SKETCH ALL PHOTOSHOOTS NOW!
- make/upload portfolio
- source for stepladder/ask vca
- carpenter, 6th july
- wash bedsheets/linen
better restart comp and adjust images for daily frill now...I hope they don't mind it >___>;;; it's not my best work imho, but it does look very pretty
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 03:54 a.m.+
Finally finally finally got the derive photos sorted. Remarkably easy process after I dumped about 150++ worth of photos on the floor and started sorting them out. Then I asked audy over to go inspect with a 'yes/no' pile and cut from 150+++ to about 50, then from 50 to 19, from 19 to 9. All in all I'm quite happy with it, it looks good. The feeling that I wanted exists and hopefully people will see it without need for too much explaination.
Next up with the one with Aeryn, the citygirl chic one. To prepare myself I've been flipping through pictures of Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, as well as more recent modern versions of the theme. I've kinda set myself on either 6-8 high quality glamoresque shots with a strong city-chic emphasis.....which means I'll probably have to do her makeup. A photographer who wants to shoot fashion but can't apply makeup is a weak photographer, but I think I can grasp how to apply it on others even if I can't quite do it myself. Strong eyes and lips, pale skin, 3/4 profile face angles and maybe if I'm lucky I can get one with movement.
Then I need to start working on the carousel wedding piece because that will really really be totally awesome or totally crap. I've kinda gotten an idea of what I want; carnivalesque - an abandoned bride who turns into a flower. And I've been thinking of supplimenting the tulle with some kind of softer net or georgette. I was thinking maybe shoe-less, with garter belts and everything and a kind of lost forlorness and a feeling of wonder.
I guess most of everything I do has a feeling of wonder and whimsy - it's not developed enough to be called a 'style' yet, but I can kind of grasp it, kind of sense it, as though I'm groping my way through the dark finding that elusive something
Really busy lately. Etoile dress well and sold, and today I sold a Moitie cutsew through poupeegirl so my bank balance is finally looking deliciously healthier. I've decided not to buy either the Meta or ETC dress even though I really *really* like the Meta dress. I kinda wanna save for my driving licence/future needs, so yeahhhh....it would be a frivolous expenditure! So, I won't get it.
Then today I went to play tourguide to hippopie (Tarina) from Canberra and it was pretty fun! Went to Le Petit Gateau, then KangaKanga, then Armadale (ODiP and Philippa's) and finally South Yarra (Chapel St Bazaar). Got a pretty postcard for aya as well, and blueberry chocolate from Ganache Chocolate. Tried their new earl grey flavour which was great.....and yes, it was really nice meeting her :D I wouldn't mind taking her around more places because she's really nice and friendly, and I think we get along well.
Really tired though. I had about 3-4hrs of sleep; I slept at 2 and woke up at 6 and tossed around till 10am but had to wake at 11am. And I was out the whole day too! x_X;;;;
OK I'll do the drafting + scanning tomorrow. I really can't think straight anymore, but I think sometimes I can't sleep because I have too many ideas in my head and I keep getting waked by new ones and I'm just itching to start but I have to wait, shikata nai. I want to see the Dali exhibit as well, and then I need to get new housekeys and new UV filter. Also need to ride the bike.... @____@ and oh yar, Gary and domain and putting portfolio! important!!
@_____________________@
feels like a working holiday
not real one hor
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 04:22 a.m.+
murrr I'm almost too sleepy to bathe, and definitely too sleepy to be online. Anyway will have to sleep soon, meeting a lolita from sydney tomorrow at 12noon and going to walkwalk around. Better pack an umbrella as well, forecast for tomorrow is rain (shit)
also went to watch a movie today, coco avant chanel. it was either that or italian mafia and knowing my tedency towards nightmares........went to see chanel instead. pretty decent flick, TONS of clothes p0rn, the cinematography is like a renoir painting and OMG HATS HATS HATS. It makes me want to wear a hat everyday, even though i don't look like audrey tatou.
i shall wear a hat tomorrow anyway, just because :D
anyway it's a cold night, gonna bathe then huddle under blankets as the wind continues to beat against trees, and trees rustle like gossipy old ladies with their skirts upturned.
still haven't done any scanning yet though, urgh
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 12:17 a.m.+
ahhhhh.......It's been a long time hasn't it? Long times, different feelings - weeks pass like so quickly; time doesn't fly, it springs forward like a whirlwind with only the barest hint of impression, a fleeting image of time spent, time gone.
Finished exams on the 23rd, it was actually quite alright. The day started out warm, so I stupidly wore only 1 layer and my okashi no kuni skirt (for luck and pockets). I wrote a lot for the paper, but I'm not sure how much is relevant. For me, it seems like a jumble of thoughts, I'm not sure how coherent it was. Also, lack of sleep since I was up the night studying for it. I'm hoping for a H2A at least, because this will pull my aggregate up higher.
After that a light dinner and sleep. Watched the documentary on colour, it was so good! Particularly the part about how blue light affect cicidian cycles...then afterwards went to sleep. Then a few days later we went on a massive book-buying spree (all three of us) because of the holidays....something to read, so we wouldn't spend so much time on the computer.
Even though it's so stress-free in lifestyle, I've been feeling rather tired lately.....mostly it's because of nightmares. A few days ago I woke up screaming again. It was terrifying. I ran into audrey's room after looking for people. I was really scared. I don't want to talk about it too much. The next day it happened again. Today is the 3rd night of nightmares, I hope it ends soon. I'm almost afraid to sleep to some extent, and I find it very hard to wake up even with light shining on me. It's all a bit frightening.
I've been trying though, to keep my thoughts under control. I bought a lot of Roald Dahl during the booktrip, and the only things I've been reading is short stories and fantasy. I also went KangaKanga yesterday with audy to pick up some pretty magazines, namely Fudge and KERA. It was quite nice, although I was tired.
Possibly it could be a kind of seasonal effect, because jw is definitely suffering from some kind of seasonal moodswing.
Also, DA'ed the magical etoile dress. I was pretty sad about it, since I adore that dress and it was my first item from Angelic Pretty. Also it's adorable and sweet and my favourite version of the OTT craze<3 but yeah, I haven't worn it at all since March and I doubt I will anytime soon. Usually when I feel like wearing a dress I either pick the alice oriental or alice cardsuit (lol, both alices!)
sleepy....tomorrow have to wake quite early to send the dress off, and I want to watch coco avant chanel as well at nova (monday = cheap day) and maybe if I have the time, go down to Camera Xchange to look at cameras for kaitensoshi and get myself another UV filter for johnboy. I keep forgetting to do that! D:
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:56 a.m.+
So I finally got a new layout - Gibson inspired? All neon'ed and futuristic and cool with strange, odd angles. I quite like the neon-effect on the old buildings, they make me kinda happy<3 Mostly I'm glad for a change...all the white looks so clean and refreshing after having so much brown! *_* I don't really like brown/tan....it looks so aged to me. Meh.
The past few days is a lot of thinking and thinking. Thinking about the future, about what I'm going to do. Graduating is so terrifying isn't it? I've kinda settled to: if dad doesn't allow me to go UK, I'll do JET in Korea or Japan. I don't mind the countryside aspect, since I've never really lived in one anyway. I also don't mind the strangeness of it because part of the reason why I want to do it is because it is strange. It's a totally new experience, and I've already found out I *LIKE* being thrown from country to country, like a restless wave. I'm hope I won't get Tokyo actually, I want somewhere new and rocky like Aichi or Kanazawa or Ibaragi - places that sound so cool and strange and yeah, I'm young and crazy and why can't I?
It's not a new thought - but I never imagined picking Japan.
To be honest I don't really care where I end up. I'm merely choosing Japan and Korea because they have government sponsored programmes which makes it easy for me to apply for. I don't really want to be a teacher so hardc0re teaching experience doesn't appeal to me. Basically I want a relatively 9-5 job, which gives me lots of time to explore, drive around, take tons of pictures and practise my shitty Japanese. Hell, I'll take it if it's Korea, Taiwan, HK, India and maybe even China. NEW AND EXCITING PLACE PLZ.
The LCC course I want is this one BTW. oh, St Martinssssss<3 as much as I regret not going UK, I would never exchange anything I learnt in Melbourne for it.
In a way, my gamble paid off. St Martins' would've been great of course, but I would've never met Jiawei/Audy or lived here at all.....and most of all, I would've never picked up photography. Understand this: when I applied to St Martins I applied solely for painting, and nowadays I can't imagine a life without photographs. Or film production. Or essays. St Martins would've been great - but also, limiting. Going to Melbourne has given me the academic structure and really stretched me beyond what an art school can do. I might miss doing practical work, but at the same time (as much as I bitch about M/C) I've learnt a lot.
Besides that, life if OK. Been cooking alot, which kinda makes me feel fat but it was a delicious fatness. Now I feel like I'm verging on indigestion so I should eat clean stuff for the next few days. I also cleaned up my room, bleached my white shirts, gave it a bit of vaccum and airing so it feels great. Tomorrow I'll go to the hardware shop to buy a plank of plywood for my mattress, since it's too soft. Send some mail, go home, study for tomorrow's exam and yeah everything should be fine then.
I should also pick up another pack of post-it notes
my stack is nearly gone!
I've also been very good and not-shopping lately. I got rid of y!J and egl_comn_sales from my watchlist....but it means I'm also buying more books because I'm reading them instead of going online :/ ah well....at least books are better than dresses! ^^;;
Other than that, lolita meetup. OMFGWTFBBQ there was this total skank/white trash there. She was seriously annoying and rude - almost unbelievably so. I forgive her because she's 17 and dumb, but I couldn't believe the nerve of her at times! Most of all, she was really rude to Magdalen :/ I don't even think she was a lolita, she just came to cause trouble (and watch wank) I felt so uncomfortable that I stayed near Steph and other people instead of talking to her. I just didn't want to be near her at all.
Well, at least now I have a better idea why our dear lord Mayor has such a dislike of bogans lol~
Going to sleep soon, I hope my stomach settles down quickly! urgh, maybe shouldn't have eaten all that rice and lamb with gravy T_____T indigestion T___T but it was so good ;_____;
love
tsu
+tsu waited for you at 01:34 a.m.+
