+tsu waited for you at 01:19 p.m.+

we won't run

Addicted to Sarah Blasko after some insurance company used her in their ad campaign - she sounds really familar though, I think I heard her before on Bennett's Lane? IDK.

I'm really nervous.... Exhibiting is both exhilarating and stressful. I keep worrying about the performance - in front of others I say I totally know what I'm doing when I totally DON'T. I've done a couple of mental reharasals, but mostly I'm going by feel Dx it just feels so unprepared, I really don't know what the audience will do/react.

Monday was really hellish. I was rushing like mad, only 3hrs of sleep and I was typing the folio/arranging the shit'/printing paper/organising the art-peice x_X I brought the piece in around 8.30 and finished up around 9.45-10. Breakfast at Animal Orchestra; baked eggs<3333 and tea~ it was just such lovely weather at that hour. Went to look for T.A. (jw said he won't be in, but I said he would cos he's not a lazy fucker like we are lol) and YEAH! I was right! he was in :D and we got our extensions LIKE I SAID WE WOULD. d00de~ I can totally know man. Since I was dressed like a construction worker that day he was like: 'where's all that frilly lol-leee-ta?' LOL and then kerekere.

Went home to finish my folio because it was due on the ame day at FOUR and I was like no where done Dx Instead of doing a process journal, I made these 'flashcards' looking things according to the alphabet and strung them up so they hung like windchimes. It's a cute idea, but OMG SO MUCH WORK. I had to type all of it, laminate, cut, punch holes and string them up too Dx DX DX I was late but it was OKAY because omg b.b was there in her office still and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and then we had a simple dinner (tomato/egg omelette and rice) before I crashed and woke up 14hrs later

Take it slow today, and in my nervousness I made aglio olio. I haven't made it for a long time, so I'm surprised how well it turned out. It's so easy you wonder why so many restaurents fuck it up - it's like, the golden rule of eating out: don't bother ordering aglio olio and steak. The first will always be cold and soggy, the second will be overcooked and overpriced. I like making mine with both stoves on - the pasta has to be cooked at the same time the oil gets heated, and tossed in. Sauce is: a pan-ful of oil (enough to cover the base 1cm deep), 5 minced garlic cloves, 6 halved cherry tomatoes, black pepper, 5 birds-eye chilli (fresh, deseeded). I know the authentic reciepe uses peperonchino but I prefer the freshness of chilli in summer. It gives a tangy kick - once the sauce is heated (jut hot enough that it has bubbles, but not sizzling) toss in your still-warm noodles with a bit of pasta water, then squirt some extra virgin olive oil. It's really REALLY good when well made. Really. The kitty was so addicted she went to get bread to soak up the sauce, and didn't even notice it was vegetarian lol....Actually I was rather surprised how well it turned out and how much they liked it. It's a crazily easy thing to make (garlic, chilli, opt. tomatoes) so why do so many restaurents fuck it up?

My theory is 1. they cook the pasta and sauce seperately 2. they make it in advance and let the pasta sit in oil 3. they use shit ingrediants. The first 2 is more important than the last point though - I'm using coles-standard stock ingrediants (93cent pasta) and it's still better than any I ever had in SG. The thing about this dish is really a matter of timing. You must *must* MUST bring together the al-dente pasta and just-before-sizzle oil together at the SAME time, with a bit of dripping pasta water. Anything else would result in disaster.

Then I made some spring onion cheese rolls for the exhibition as snacks and since lamb is finally *on* sale - picked up a rack of lamb for $10bucks. Unbelievable. Saturday is our 'eat-well' day since Iron Chef is on, so I'll probably save it for then. It'll be great with some mashed potatoes, rocket, mustard and a light panfry. Or I could go really asian on it, with a miso-based marinade.

I suppose it's benefical that when I'm stressed, I cook. I'm nervous still, but yeah.....I guess I'll just have to do it.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:59 a.m.+

exceptional purity

Just going to do day-by-day since I'm too tired to talk much meh.

Saturday - lolita meetup since Pheobe came to Melbourne to visit. She's from UK and very nice, also in London too. Ate baugettes for lunch at Alexandra Park and then purikura. Afterwards I went home to write more of the thesis shit, make dinner and nap. I think I was really tired because I slept ridiculously late and woke up at 9am @_@;;;;;; I only felt much better after the nap and then watched My Neighbour Totoro - weird but my tutor (Apples) looks a lot like Totoro lol. Or maybe I'm just going crazy, idk.

Monday - drew blood; many thanks to Dr Adams for approving the project, Virginia for arranging appointment, Maureen and all the nursing staff for drawing blood. Problem was that there isn't any anti-coagulant in it and it IMMEDIATELY began to clot no matter how hard I kept shaking it *fail* SO! I rushed home to make the agar agar, but the container I used wasn't waterproof and I had HOT BOILING BLOOD-INFUSED AGAR AGAR SPILLING ALL OVER MY KITCHEN. *panic mode* I just totally freaked out and made jw really pissed because she had to help clean it up later and cleaning the shit off was really hard :/ All in all, a totally shit day.

On the other hand, last tute for media futures and got a chance for consulation with A and kinda managaed to mediate the thesis by using Latour. Latourrrrrrrrrrr. Reading so much of it annoys me, but shikata nai. I just want to get this year over and done with.

Tuesday - Managed to get some sleep, collected invites from SCA (which went really quickly so I should've gotten more) Went for the last reading group of the year, took some pics, sat in the lawn and then went to the city (Laguna) later for food and snacks. SNACKS! bought a giant tub of hello panda biscuits and tried to make sago. It was sooooooooo weird lol, I think because I used frozen pandan and not fresh pandan so it tasted kinda grassy? lol. Maybe I should've put more sugar hmm. Then afterwards did a trial run of agar agar with food colouring, and it turned out okay. I oiled the base to make it slip off easier as well

Wednesday - which is today :/ Went to draw blood again, this time with EDTA (anti-coagulant) inside so it wouldn't clot immediately and I could use it as a pigment. To veer on the safe side, I'm using 2 packets of agar for 1 mixture because I have no idea how the anti-coagulant will react to the agar or if it will set properly. So. Worries.

Then had a quick lunch, cursed myself for bringing the wrong text (I brought levy instead of latour, fuck.), went to SCA to collect more invites to hand out this evening, met Cherie/Taylor to discuss the documentation for the opening, went to Union House to look for Sandy - but she was sick urgh. Now I need to find a table and plinth in the event that the gallery is totally booked out. So, stuff I need: cakestand, plinth, black cloth, chopper, tea candle, masking tape, plastic forks and plates. I'm thinking of decorating the cakestand with like doll hands' or something - it kinda reminds me of Miyazaki (Sulliman) and I've been watching so much of it that I feel like doing that as a homage(?) kinda thing.

Mostly I've been watching Totoro, Sen to Chihiro, Howl's Moving Castle, Mononoke and currently dling Nausiucaa. I've also watched Ponyo too....I guess stress makes me play bejeweled and watch miyazaki more lol~ desire for a child's freedom maybe? A simpler life?

Tonight is media/comn party, so I'm going. I don't really feel like it, but need to rub shoulders, grease social wheels and also an oppotunity to give out invitations so MANY people will come for the show. I hope someone starts a facebook group soon, so I can invite more people to come.

KK it's almost time to go. Hopefully there's something else to drink besides beer......not even sure if I should drink, since I just drew blood today. Hm. I could use that as an excuse too, and then leave gracefully by 7.30pm.......wednesday night is family guy + american dad + south park night, and I don't really want to miss it

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:03 p.m.+

burnt ochre

ah, it's almost summer now. The days are warmer, but the nights are still chilly and today I watched sunset from my bed and the sky was a pure silvery blue that looked like blown glass gilded with the purest burnished gold. It's not really a yellow, but a deep-orange-red that kinda glows until it's so painfully rich - as though the darker it gets, the more luminous it becomes.

Actually I was really tired today. I only slept a couple of hours because I was writing the literature review, and also because I had to meet natz + her bf at 12noon, then supervisior A at 2pm. Afterwards I collected my dress from drycleaners, and on my way home picked up some pasteries and went to nap. I also got free chocolates from tom cos I think I looked really sad :/ Lack of sleep makes me super distressed :( and my mood has been sinking ever slower and slower.

Mostly I've been watching Miyazaki movies in an effort to calm myself. Schoolwork is really driving me crazy.....I tried so hard to get the art project complete, but it seems that every direction I turn to someone is stopping me. I got all the ethical, school....-whatever- clearances and yet the hospital refuses to draw my blood x___x pretty much wits' end now

BLARGH.

Thesis is also not writing itself. Wish it did :/ I've finally started on the lit review, so that's about 700w done. My goal is to finish by this weekend if not I won't be able to hand up the assignment on time. horror.

Well, good thing is that EMS came today with my dress from closetchild. It's good because I need that dress for the performance (wow, scares me shitless) and thankfully the colour's right too. It's much heavier than expected, but absolutely pretty. Made of chirimen too (o.o)

Oh yeah, to add to my woes my door is jammed. Like. shittily so. It's so jammed I don't dare close the door, which makes me insanely nervous.

anyway going to sleep soon. lolita meetup at 11am. I'm kinda lazy to go, but yeah well at least I'll get to eat crepes and walk around a bit. Then back to work it is....

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:08 a.m.+

bestallah

I'm just kinda drained and exhausted @_@ today was really kinda shit. Ran into Jian, who proceeded to badger and corner me until I ran out and felt like crying. D00de, all I wanted was some peace and quiet to read my pdf. before reading group. Later I found out from my lecturer than he's been saying I haven't fufilled my end of our bargain by collaborating with him and basically spreading shit - excuse me? when did I ever agree to collaborate with you? Did you have a verbal agreement with yourself and like, let me know later? I just felt so betrayed. JW said that I should've just told him to Fuck Off and Die (In a Fire).

I'm glad I brought it up to the lecturer in time, but thing is - I wouldn't have if he wasn't being such a dickhead about cornering me after *EVERY* class. Like after I finished media futures and he just shoved the usb at me at a cafe(!) or calling me up or bothering me every single time I step into the computer lab. I've taken to avoiding him so much that I'm using the fire-escape instead of the lift - hell, I reckon it's better exercise anyway.

Today already started cruddy because JW pissed me off by going into my consultation hour. I mean OK, we're friends but hey d00de this is my consultation hour and you're intruding and fucking hell, you made me late for it. I was already pissed off, and in addition to panicking silently as I counted to 20 days to deadline. Then ran into Jian. And he just kept WHINING at me about how hard it was for him to learn photoshop and all and that I had to help him because we were collaborating and gave me the whole: 'I thought we were friends' spiel. I was getting so distressed that I wanted to cry. He didn't understand that I had no time, and kept saying: 'I'll CREDIT you!!' (like I care.) I don't want his credit, his money or whatever I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE THE FUCK ALONE. Just, argh. I was so angry and frustrated. (still am, actually)

Then reading group on swarm theory, but everyone was rather tired anyway so we finished early. Went home and napped, then made dinner. Yesterday's char siew turned out even better the next day, the sauce had thickened beautifully<3~ I used dad's reciepe with a bit of alterations. Also had boiled kai lan, which was really good too.

just tired, going off soon

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:47 a.m.+

electic peel

It's strange how I find typing so difficult now. My thoughts are still there, but penning it down seems less and less important and sometimes I worry that I'm not being detailed enough. For instance, in the last post I forgot to add that I watched A Beautiful Boxer - a Thai movie about a male boxer who later became a transvestite beauty. It's a beautiful film; the colours are really spectacular. I remember this scene where the monk and his disciple is standing on the stone bridge with fog and water on both sides and the rich reddish-brown of their robes shining against the grey blue. The forests look lush, layers of yellow/green filters have almost brought the green to the brink of oversaturation, if not for the texture of wet rain and the slopping sound of mud. It's really unbelievably beautiful. Gorgeously vivid.

Today was a slow day. Woke up when dad called - which was about 9am? Talked a bit, he asked me several trivial things in which I replied with standard trivial answers. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, does he regret? I had the strangest conversation with mom a day or so ago on msn about dad of all people. But y'know. Yeah. Well. Hm. *shrugs* I guess I just don't know what to say, I don't even know how I feel about it. I guess when it comes, I'll just deal with it then.

Had a deliciously expensive dinner at Pizzaria de Curinico and it was pretty fabulous. The wine was great, the pasta was perfect and the pizza was FABULOUS. The only let down was the pannacotta, which bounced instead of wobbling. Where's my wobble???? A wobbling panna cotta is the sexiest thing ever. And white wine. It's strange, but I only ever drink white. It's a peculiar preference born not out of taste, but because I always associate red with dad and dad's mania for turning the most mundane things into work, which in turn, spoils the pleasure of drinking for me.

The best was this 4 cheese pizza - for some reason I couldn't stop eating it. It reminded me a bit of when I was younger, I would put condensed milk and cheese and toast the entire thing on bread until the cheese melted and turned bubbly and delicious<3 it's one of the first times that trying one kind of food has made me remember another. Is that what Keller means by 'invoking?' I wonder. Certainly it adds another layer of pleasure, but I personally think it's not as big as what people make it out to be. If the food is good, it's just that: good

Going off to sleep soon, it's almost 3am. There's class tomorrow and new things to read and my dreaded essay to write. DREAD. Anyhow. Have to soldier on!!!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:43 a.m.+

blue light

Hear sounds, taste touch and a sigh - sometimes I think I live in a dream, a dream full of skins in a laundry room. I wake up to wear a new skin everyday, shedding last night's excesses on sweaty sheets and dream dust; all those cells holding mysteries of yesterday like a hovering shadow. Cast off. The image of a laundermat: the drycleaning carousel full of hanging suits, clean and neatly pressed floating as they travel round and round the clothesline; plastic bagged.

Dreamily is how I feel days pass, both meaningful and meaningless. Meaningful is the feel of now, meaningless is when held together with the perspective of today. Tuesday was wonderful, with the reading group - we went drinking after class, and the conversation was so full of little things that we exchanged with each other; nuggets of information pieced together to form a puzzle of a person. A blink, and suddenly a mass of colours form an impression: Monet in full bloom. Then Louis Thoreau documentaries on Thursday, and oh, Thursday was a mess.

It started with a 9am phonecall: hello this is -- calling from the university, I think you don't have the pre-requisite points to graduate. You would be rightly thinking that this statement at 9am (before tea, cake or even brushing teeth) would freak me out, but it didn't. I didn't even panic, just an 'OK'. Early morning equamity. I just went down to the office and slowly sorted out this administrative mess. Long story short: I was missing 1st year credits, and overloaded on 2nd year credits with a whole pile of non-m/c subjects. Anyway with the help of the student support team, it was neatly sorted. Then I ran to JohnMed to pass a copy to the m/c dept and headed straight for my (already-late) class. Problem solved; internship and enriched major degree saved.

I suppose it's apporiate that on the same night I recieved the email for internship acceptance and a hostlist. I plan to apply ASAP (as in, once my headache decides to cure itself and get a cover letter written). I actually have a whole pile of things to do, from writing thesis to sending cover letters to parcels for egl. Over the weekend, I managed to get some of it done but I see that it's impossible to do everything so I'm just doing bit by bit, starting with the emails.

Then I watched Om Shanti Om today on SBS, with Shah Rukh Khan in it and it was extremely enjoyable. The production values are amazing, the colours are glorious, characters beautiful and I loved how they did the credits. All in all, it's a visually stunning film. Mostly I was going: 'OMG I wonder how much their production values cost.' (lol) I think I'm quite a movie junkie - I really do like movies, not in a literary way (although I enjoy that too) but just the sheer pleasure of watching. I like being enthralled. At the same time, watching movies on TV brings a different kind of pleasure from the cinema. When in the cinema, I watch with expectations but at home I merely watch for entertainment during dinner.

The stove burns low, the pot bubbles with curry - the hot and sweet smell of Japanese curried with soft zucchinis that you sink into with a burst of vegetable sweetness. Chopped carrots and eggplant and cubes of firm tofu and curried eggs dyed golden buried in sauce like treasures. There's a sense of contentment, of laughter, of homeliness that is so plentiful in both the food and company. I love that. That quiet domesticity, that generous warmth. That is what I live for.

Watching movies during dinner, with comments and conversation and the sound of lips slurping and mouths smacking makes me feel safe. It makes me think of boiled eggs - the hard cooked whites encasing the most tender, almost wobbly but still cooked; golden fresh delicious yolk. A home is an eggyolk.

Today went to the city to meet sefie who was cosplaying at Armeggedon. I can't say much, except it looked dull. The only interesting factor was that the exhibition was located near the pregnancy/maternity fair, which resulted in a hilarious mix of d00de-otakus with katanas and chainsaws mingling with moms pushing prams and free baby diaper specials. Surreal. Wandered around a bit, I felt so distracted because I was reading and walking at the same time. I felt hunger, but I didn't know what to eat because my head was so full of text. It felt like I was watching myself get hungry through the pages of the book. I was in the narrative, the hunger ceased to exist and I had to finish the story before I could leave the narrative and return to my daily self. I had forgotten to draw money as well, and it took me 3 tries to remember where the nearest ATM.

Sometimes I like to think back, over phrases. One of my favourite songs during christmas is 'O Holy Night' - the song itself is decent, but unspectacular. In general it's a pretty bland, overly maudlin and full of the usual chrismassy stuff. The reason why I like it is because of this lyric:

"....and the soul felt it's worth"

That line fascinated me - actually, it still does. How does a soul 'feel' it's worth? A soul is not like a heart, nor is it a mind. Sometimes it's referred to as the spirit, the ghost and occasionally consciousness. You think of comatose people, and think: 'does the soul ever feel its worth?' and also, what kind of worth are you thinking of? Monetary? Spiritual? Emotional? All three? I sometimes think that's what I need to do in life, make my soul feel it's worth. To make other people feel their souls' worth. I guess finding your soul's worth is akin to a person touching his or her body in the shower. You find bones you never know you had, the unseen bumps covered by skin and the sheer gothicness of a having a body. Mapping a body, a cartographer of skin full of lines and lensions and orifices. The rich darkness of a mouth, the dense forset of hair, the smooth canyons of wrinkles and the lucidity of eyes. And then - the face, what a glorious thing to have

It's possible that I just think too much, rambling on. Thoughts drift, feelings fester. But I like it, I like this. This weight that I'm slowly feeling, the density of myself that I am slowly growing to become

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:08 a.m.+

meep~

today was an improvement on yesterday, mainly because of the reading group. Actually it's really odd - but cold, grey and rainy and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go all the way right up to outside the university, jw was walking behind so I was thinking: 'Maybe if I walk fast enough, I could walk down to borders and she'll never know'. But then that would be really irresponsible to ditch her, so I went and I'm glad I did.

It's pretty cool but we talked so much that after tute we went to a pub and continued talking till the pub closed (like wtf, from 5.30pm - 11.30pm!!??!?!) and it was supercold and windy but yeah, just awesome. It helped me focus on just academic theory, and forget about niggling everyday misery/trivalities.

honestly, the reading group is the only thing giving me so much pleasure right now. it's filled with people who actually want to learn, and care enough to do their work first and are really of that standard that push you into new thinking. Like the whole: spectacle is a materialisation of idealogy is just great, and the whole distinction of material/immaterial and visible/invisible especially when applied to network theory. Like information is immaterial, but visible.

then went home, cold. had dinner really REALLY late (about 3am) which is why I'm still retardedly awake even at this hour. I wouldn't have given up that class for anything though, it's seriously one of the few bright spots in the week.

Called Tony Callahan as well today....REJOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently because my project does not consituite as 'research' (not gathering feedback or data about my performance) I DON'T NEED ETHICS APPROVAL!!! :D :D :D The only thing I need to check on is the university code of conduct about fair play and responsibility, but I think I pretty much got my ass covered. He seemed really impressed that I had done my own research on the clinical practice of blood as well :D

looking now, I think today was a major improvement from yesterday. what a difference 24hrs makes~

anyway off to sleep now

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:28 a.m.+

rainbows and butterflies

Ah, I'm listening to KT now. I realise I listen to KT the more and more I feel stressed, and my stress levels have gone off the roof ATM. I just feel I can't make anyone happy anymore - they just keep wanting more, and I'm just so fucking sick of it. Today is basically a 'hate as many people as possible' kind of day. I just felt absolutely terrible...probably a lack of sleep played into it

Class was just shit, then I ran into Jian (which I really REALLY didn't want) and he immediately coerced me into doing his work...AGAIN. Fuck. I feel like a fucking doormat. Why the fuck do I have to photoshop your fucking photos? It's your fucking homework for fuck's sake!!!! And I have my own schoolwork to do as well, it's just so....ARGH. I want to kill myself, if only painlessly.

The art project got through, but now I have to run it by so many bureaucratic junctions that I feel vaguely sick. SICK. of red tape. I don't want to give up because I really think it is a good idea, at the same time it's just full of ARGH. The thesis just makes me want to puke blood too - I haven't really read enough to do the arguements properly, but at the same time going through all the books makes me want to kill someone or myself.

I'm just so tired. I don't want to do this anymore - whatever this is. I want to pack up, get out and disappear again.

Besides that, watched Sakuran and is also Audy's birthday today. Normalcy is a relief. Also talking to mom and aya on skype made me feel much better. The best things that happened today is probably aya's letter, audy's birthday and watching mad men 9. Am I sad or what?

Going to get my morose self into the shower
here's to hope that I drown
*clink*

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:24 a.m.+

in brief

head hurts, want to shop
can't shop till sell more stuff
clutter acculumation = BAD too
head still hurts, 2 ibroupfens down
getting immune to codeine, lol is that bad?
head hurts
i hate bright lights, why 1600 kelvin screen?

lolita picnic sunday
only thought: wah so much food wasted D:
wish i had more raspberry chocolate cake
but. diet.
i felt sad for the uneaten tuna
took many photos
cheated by using holga
made everyone walk into Native Grass
had a very *facepalm* moment with kurololitas
'all the black people stand at this side!!'
and then
there was a black person jogging across
looked at me funny :x
so sorry mr.
light was good, camera stiff/wonky
hopefully everything works out
went home to write resume
slow
resume
sloooooooooow
can't find testimonial either, fuckshit.

eyes hurt, brightnes down!

diet seems to be working though
clothes getting looser, can wear puppet circus w/ food
cardigans sit nicely on boobs too

monday class, bleh
bleh bleh bleh bleh
redeeming point: south park eps
supervisior meeting tomorrow = bleh too
had es teler for lunch, procastinated
caught a bit of flashforward, but not really watching
miriam's chatter makes my head hurt even more
it's pitchy and incessant
honestly i just tune out sometimes
it sounds like a horrible friend, but it feels like babble
i can barely distinguish what she's saying

doing presentation w/ her was kinda nuts :x
thank god that's over

supervisor meeting tmr
worry
thesis sucks cock, lit review not done
worry worry
reading makes my head hurt like golfballs
worry worry worry
will see him anyway tmr
worry.
supervisior B wants to see me on wednesday
that one, worry also
need those art clearances esp. since public
i hope she doesn't want to meet me too early tho
tendency to mornings
urgh
she answers her email at 6.30am
wah lau sia
better collect my rossinter bk tomorrow too
i dumped all the lenton parr books
but forgot to collect my +bonus one
idiot sia

alice cardsuit VS cultery sk tomorrow
oh yar i finally got round to altering the 80s shirt
from fugly to cool beans
just cut the sleeves up and cropped it shorter
now it looks kinda cool like kaela shop
wish I had electric blue tights tho

also wish i had cash for:
arygle rabbit jsk
alice maze jsk (velveteen)
alice stamp sk
ribbon stripe op

wish wish wish wish
maybe sell something more hmm?
but i quite like what i have
maybe halterneck jsk
they irritate me cos the ribbon ties don't sit well with hoodies
k
going off to read now
eyes hurt
consider ibroupfen round 3
someone find a cure for migraines soon
will make billions of ppl in the world happy

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:44 a.m.+

hitotsu

Eh~ lolita meetup tomorrow~ finally decided what to wear, so it's good! Bringing grapes for the picnic and some kera magazines :D and probably film+camera too since it's supposed to be sunny~

So far so good actually....I've been working out a bit, not really rigourously but more like daily. I just skip in my room, do about 25 situps and lift a bit of weights; repeat. My goal is to be able to skip through the whole of KAT-TUN's Movin' On without stopping :D I do it before I sleep/shower, so it's probably not optimal but hell - it's better than not exercising at all right? Maybe....10mins every night. It's pretty OK since I can do it in my own room (and singlet+shorts) Apparently skipping is really good cardio because it's intense? So far so good though. The problem is I can't stay off the sugar. I don't gorge on it anymore (as in PILES and PILES of cake) but once in a while I cave in to a sugar kick.

Yesterday or rather, this morning slept really late 'cause the kitties were watching rage and I ended up with them and watching the sun rise lol. The 'No Mercy' song was pretty nice, and we talked a lot and today I made fettucine. For some reason, akame fics make me feel like cooking fettucine~ and so funny....today's iron chef was ITALIAN! hahahaha, apporiate much? Even funnier was that the main ingrediant was 'kyo-nasu' (kyoto eggplant) and we couldn't help but comment that if Jin's dick really *did* look like a kyo-nasu he would have to see a doctor because a kyo-nasu is round. like really round. the shape is just wrong! D:

Going off to sleep soon - man, being pretty is really hard. Have to sleep early, drink enough water, take care of skin, wear makeup (?) and such. I guess I better wake up an hour earlier than usual to pimp myself ready for the meetup. Stuff you learn as a lolita: how to use an eyelash curler, how not to stab yourself with eyeliner, how to put on lip stain and proper skincare routines.

off to sleep

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:17 a.m.+

chocolate pie

I've long decided that chocolate gaunche tart is the way to go for desserts. It's a remarkably easy item and sounds classy without the work ('french silk tart', 'chocolate gaunche tart'). Basically, you get a pie base/frozen shortcrust and equal quantities of double cream and chocolate. ta da! done :D It should also be listed as an antidepressant because no one can feel depressed in a roomful of chocolate + butter + pastry smells.

Frankly, my tart is really ugly. I've never mastered the art of baking shortcrust - the first time, I burned the tart base and second time I didn't put baking weights in so the ENTIRE tart puffed lol. Who cares? It tastes goddamn good (healthy food and dieting notwithstanding)

Mood has been really up-down-up-down lately.....It's almost like I feel uncomfortable with my own skin, like a kind of restless energy waiting to be used. I find it difficult to read (especially academic reading) without feeling trapped and daydreamy. It's like - anything BUT sitting still! I just want to do something like walk or wtv. Quite tempted to go Ballarat tomorrow, but it'll be freezing and 1hr45mins just to get *there*....urgh but photography exhibitions hmm hmmm hmm

Nah, I'll just go for the lolita meetup this Sunday instead. It's a lot closer, and yeah...being around people not-so-familar is somewhat relaxing for unknown reasons. I guess I'm just kinda weird person lol~ I did clean my room though, so it can't be dirt that is making me feel stuffy and annoyed. Maybe I should do laundry too, would that help?

Kitty1 and kitty2 went to watch Metric today, so I'm home alone. Quite nice, quiet. I feel like having a long long long shower~ and also I made chocolate tart which is good. Hopefully I can finish a bit more of Robert Hassan before I sleep, or maybe watch a bit of Moyashimon too. I feel like watching the Valentino movie too, if only just for eyecandy :P Eyecandy! Is so great~ Oh yar, reading Aya's comments about pasta makes me want to cook pasta (so does reading Akame fics actually o.O;;;) so tomorrow I'm cooking a basic pasta (roma tomatoes, pecurino, mince, pesto, onion, garlic) which would be a nice change from rice I guess

Maybe should go read Ubik instead hmmm~ it's such a lovely night after all. So dark and quiet-like; a velveteen dark that absorbs all light. Even my lamps don't seem to shine at all bright, just softly yellow and dimly lit - like a cloudy flicker of incandescence, yellowing. I was reading 'Things People Throw Away' again, and I just love the idea - darkness doesn't fall, it rises. I love it because it's true. Dark sleeps on earth, hidden in shadows waiting for the night as it pushes the daylight away. The sun doesn't really set, if you've watched enough sunsets you'll know what I mean. It's almost like the sun moves away, leaves behind and the night pushes upwards in colours of mauve and violets and ultramarine blues. That's why I prefer the word dusk to sunset; because the sun doesn't really set but yes - dusk happens.

Signing off soon, I really want a bathe after baking/cooking. I feel so buttery, and my skin feels soft and bouncy too. I think because I actually have a skincare regime in Melbourne as opposed to Singapore where it's just -whatever-. Like, I actually bother to put moisturiser and stuff here. My favourite is this Skin Food Promegrate Sleeping Mask thing; it doesn't really brighten or whatever but it does leave your skin feeling soft and nice :D It's pretty funny, but my skin is actually a lot better than I was in SG. I also like the fact that I can pick and choose my own shampoo/body lotion flavours - I don't really like the peachy stuff mom buys 'cause it smells too sweet and sugary. My favourites are watermelon, grapefruit, lemon+green tea and mint lol~ I also like the smell of antiseptic, it's so strange!

Okok~ going off now.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:23 p.m.+

swivel

I'm in the kind of mood where there's just a smile lurking at the corner of my mouth, and I can feel excitement bubbling up inside like cotton candy machines. It's a fizzy, champange kind of excitement - so heady and golden it's like falling in love with living all over again. Like today, I did jumping jacks and weights in my room just because I had so much energy, and then I walked to the city, and I ran into an old schoolmate, and lots of other tiny things. My smile is as wide as an egg-yolk =)

Just gave my room a vaccum, and now I'm listening nostalgically to things I thought I've forgotton: Yuuzuai, Solid Gold, Kimi no sumi machikado, Rainbow Gossip... and somehow, I can still singalong with it when Subaru goes: anata no yoyoi, anata no jikisa....naze? It's such a good feeling. It makes me think of afternoons as a child, I would sit at the laundry room and watch sunlight reflect off the school badge - chasing flickers on tile walls. I remember the smell of the laundry room - the sweet-rot smell of garbage, the clean lemony detergent (I would sniff it, I still love it) and the damp tiles on my feet while sitting on the floor rug thing. Afternoons I'll make iced milo and sit by the side of the balcony and our room (kor's, and now no one.) and read Roal Dahl and dream of places not on maps. My favourite was Matilda, because she was so normal, just another child, powerless slip of a thing - another kid like me.

Pretty much over Jian-incident imho - now I really can't be fucked about it anymore, esp. since my piority is my own project and now his. Plus I kinda felt a bit that he was using me....intentionally or not it doesn't matter, but yeah :x I really hate that feeling. It's familar enough because people have always tried, but yeah...INTENSE DISLIKE! :/

Then today woke up scared again. I don't really know why I keep getting nightmares, but since it helps with my assignment (this time, anyway) it's ok. I always dream of frightening things - bloody, deathly things. When I get scared I usually hug bearbear and sleep under a pillow (until I dreamt I couldn't open my eyes, couldn't breathe, no one could hear me scream inside myself) so nowadays I just stay up till sunrise (bad) or sleep with lights or think pretty things. I don't think I could ever live alone because of this :x I'll either end up addicted to sleeping pills or driving myself crazy with sleeplessness. Sleeping is so wonderful, why is falling asleep and dreaming so hard?

Just FYI, vitamin B complexes don't work.
I finished a course of them and except for making my skin clearer and pee stinkier, it doesn't really help me sleep. At all.

kk nights all

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:03 a.m.+

deepfried

whoa lack of blogging lately - wassup'ya? It's hard to type now; words are unfamilar and feels clunky like chains of definitiveness, problems of quanity and quality and things all fucked inside out and yea, what more can I add to cold, muted silence?

Things that escape postings: things like walking home from supermarket, arms full of groceries singing 'I'm leaving on a jet plane // don't know when I'll be back again and my favourite line is probably when she goes: So kiss me and smile for me // tell me that you'll wait for me // hold me like you'll never let me go. I think I've been singing it for a while now, it just feels so heartbreaking - not like in a way that hurts, but a deep throb of achingness because that's how I think my family is now. Hold me like you'll never let me go is like my home, but it's not there anywhere; just deeply inside people, people I love.

Then went to watch UP! on Monday, and it was so sweet and painfully heartbreaking in a way - I can understand how the old man feels about the things, things we keep to remember and keep the memory alive When does memory become a trap for stagnation? I found the boy a bit of a dweeb at times though, because yea - I understand what it means to have things and keep them near you, as though taking the loneliness away. Had 30min nabe dinner at Toki, then walked down to the candy shop because it just wouldn't stop raining and sat outside Borders making ludicurous comments and fart jokes - in the end, the rain just wouldn't stop so we ended up cabbing home.

It's spring alright - but spring that is wet and muddy and full of richness, a watercolour wash of grey clouds and blue spreads and the clean clean smell of a washed, newly minted world.

Wednesday I headed down to Borders for research on 20th century art since NGV library was closed. So worried - I had a meeting on Thurs with supervisor and trust me, it ain't fun at all. Was so nervous I slept fitfully, then raced down to Ian Potter's. Luckily I wasn't late and then sat down for The Talk. ALSO! on my way home I saw a double rainbow~ that made me feel a bit better since it's supposed to be lucky and all :D

I think, people don't realise how hard it is to come to terms with that - being an artist. It's a concept difficult to grapple, even moreso when you're as insecure about it as I. It really surprised her, that I only recently acknowledged my desire to be an artist (like, 2 weeks into August) so she's problably more excited about it than I. Went to NGV library and it is SO AWESOME. It's like tucked away in this annex, and you have to ring a bell and it's just so lovely and seculded<3 I could just hang around there forever~<3 There was this group of library-students who came in, and I had a lovely chat with their tutor besides researching. Finally narrowed my field down from 'Conceptual Art' to 'Bought a doughnut on the way home but it was dry and old, so I felt so wasted :( I really wanted a chocolate cream doughnut :( like, a really good one

Oh yeah, ARABESQUE IS COMPLETE!. BUY IT. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!

9 months, that baby. Nine months of photography, crazy logistics (hello we all live in different countries! amazing! cool! AND ALSO A BITCH.) Nine months of pure insanity - editing articles, writing, layoutting....we did almost 10 different drafts of the cover before settling on a final one (like, just 2 weeks ago how mad is that?) Then more and more contributors and omg now it's a 100++ page zine with over 13 colour pages *___________* SO. MUCH. WORK! but thank you so much everyone!! Your support is greatly appreciated<3~

Then cooked spare ribs on Friday, and Saturday was Jian's shoot. Blergh. I think I wanted to kill him, the weather and everyone halfway. The weather was a fucking bitch to shoot in (rain, overcast, wet roads) and he has NO FUCKING CLUE about perspective or working with photography as a medium. I got pretty exasperated by the evening yeahhh :/ Then had pork noodle soup with corn for dinner, and then POWER FAILURE *dies* Today was kinda crappy and cold though really...

K need to be up soon tomorrow to handle the rest of zine stuff. I think 15 copies is about right yeah?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:51 a.m.+

run.

So like, d00de - today my water tastes like acetone D: All in all though, today wasn't too bad. I tried on my new salopette and it was all cool beans especially with a coat on and I did my groceries and shopping and all that and I ran into THREE different people I knew today. WTF is up, I wonder, entire city of Melbourne decide to come out on a Sunday? Thank God I didn't stay in the city for long, I bet I would've ran into more people I wanted to avoid. (quick! dodge left and duck into the street corner!)

I think she didn't recognise me at Laguna though, but I did and she was just behind me in the queue - it was so fucking weird moment. I mean, the only reason why I recognised her was her whiny voice (she was talking to her bf) and I can recognise voices anywhere even if the face escapes me. My first thought: Man, she's gotten skinny and trashy (which didn't defy my childhood prediction of her, but what the hell) I've found out if I don't talk, and keep my voice low people who knew me before will not recognise me as after because it's kinda hard to reconcile how I look now (short hair, cool-fashion vibes) with my primary school image. HUR. Then I ran into a hot guy, which was hot until he opened his mouth and then it was *facepalm* Then while catching the tram I ran into the waitress at Shinjuku Sushi (aka. lazy people day) and she's from shanghai and first year here at RMIT...w00t. Weirdness continues (along with the breakage of the 4th, 5th and 6th walls) and I run into Elizabeth along Sydney Rd carrying a basket of chips. Talk about over-coincidental days.

I'm in a strange mood. I facebook'ed searched some people I long dis-cared about just for curiousity, and then realised that maybe some things are best left unsearched. Maybe it's Aya leaving for London, but it's like the links I have to sg are getting more and more tenous each year. I can barely care anymore. I don't even remember.

Forgot to mention - last Thursday, NEON exhibition and RAIN. Pretty cool beans, good turn out. Air-kissed some people, got introduced as 'upcoming student with talent' I probably should've pulled a bit more charm into it, but I hadn't eaten all day (from 11am till 6pm) and I was pretty dead on my feet. STILL. Managed to catch the eye of this art d00de (manager of some sorts), Angela (ex-head of SCA) and a few other people. The swishy lolita dress probably helped :D Thank you, dress, for providing me memorability when I'm too lazy to rub up with everyone. I got home all nice and dry though, since I hitched a ride with Cherie instead of tramming like I originally intended. I got a hugz! from Barbara too (liek whoa!)

I think kinda yeahh....today was kinda weird. I guess I do carry grudges because I couldn't even bear to say hi to her, I didn't want to see her, or look at her. When she tried searching for my face, I turned away to look at the candy. It's so distrubing in a way

I dunno. It's been a very strange, tiring week. Draining. I feel like I lived it 3 times when I only did once and for 7 days it certainly feels like a long long time. Unbearably long. I hope this week will pass like a springtime breeze - cool and soft and hopeful.

OK, tsu out!

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:02 a.m.+

black

Today was a very slow type of day, very warm and snuggly<3 Actually when I woke up it was quite a horrible feeling, so I decided to take a walk after picking up drycleaning. Even walking to the tram stop....I felt so irritable :( It felt like the sun was too bright for such a cool day. I went down to the city, and ended up buying a bottle of black nailpolish and more skincare (on offer) Somehow, just buying the black nailpolish made me happy~ I ended up painting my nails outside the state library, while reading a book. In the end I painted only 3 nails out of each hand, so it looks a bit like Kame's xD;;;;

Met up with audy + jw who went to see the Anon protestors (for her thesis), seems like they really had fun! (now I'm sad to miss it lol) Lunched/Dinner'ed at Kaneda, then it started to pour so we wandered around the place and found this supercute shop!<3333 Tried on several things, and I found a pair of salopette that looked like ETC so I bought it :D Later I checked and it's from Earth Music&Ecology that's so cool right?????<3333333 *______* it's really cute and springlike, and good for school days too. I want to wear it with a blouse and tights, I think it'll look very cool xD

Went home because it was raining and cold; audy went to sleep since she didn't sleep since yesterday while I watched Holes and The Terminal on TV and cooked dinner + the kitty sleeping on the sofa. Very nice day, although now I'm quite tired x_x;;; I wonder why, these few days I feel so perpetuatly tired. I cleaned my room as well, which made me feel a bit better. Tomorrow I'll clear the trash and pass the accounts to JW and audy, since I finished it all on neat little excel sheets too.

going to bathe now~ sleepy~ also want to use my new promagrete lotion<3333

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:17 a.m.+

anguish

this is the first time a subject - a university subject, has given me so much personal pain. Not like last semester which was simply mentally chanllenging, but I almost feel a kind of emotional anguish doing it. It's like a physical pain that clings, throws doubts and makes everything fall apart and I want to run away from it - but I can't, I can't run

what is asked of me
can I do it?

I think....deep down, I haven't really accepted being an artist. Am I an artist? Can I live with that label? I just feel.......I just feel a fear. Like I can't live up to it? also the niggling sense of just....dunno...apprenhension? excitement? fear? anxiety?

it's almost like this subject has hit it really hard on me, on what i am choosing and what am i to make to that choosing. what if i don't succeed?

sometimes i feel like a leaf
being blown at all directions
but just wanting to settle down

:/

it's a long day
think less, roll more

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:13 a.m.+

stayed night

Sleepy...

Went to the park today for some sunshine and air, plus finish up Jenkins reading and do some skipping. Everytime I felt cold, I just did some skipping. It's a good way of keeping warm, and part of my Tsu Is Becoming Healthier(!) program....which is kinda working. I've more or less stopped eating cake except occasionally, and have started to eat more banannas and grapes as well as honey instead of sugar. My refined sugar intake has dropped, and well - I still have occasional cravings but they're a lot more controllable. Instead of having 5 CAKES! I just have one or sometimes even none. I haven't touched icecream in ages too.

I'm not really trying to lose weight, not drastically anyway. More like try to have a healthier lifestyle and include more fitness in my life. I've been at it for 3 weeks and already I can see minor improvements - my skin is much better, I sleep better and I can run further. Last time I could run from the tram stop to medicine building, now I can run from the tram stop to john medley! It's not a big deal to other people I guess, but it's a big deal to me considering I've never been fit ever.

Should look into getting some adidas shoes....my feet HURT. converses make my feet hurt :( my most comfortable pair is actually my lolita heels, but WTF you can't run in them (that's why I brisk walk to uni, try running in them!) I need a proper pair of shoes anyway, I don't really have ANY other shoes besides lolita ones *sadface* Part of the problem is I have really small ankles + wide hips = HELLO DISPROPORTIONATE in addition to really high arch on feet. When I run, I can actually feel my feet burn. I should really invest in a pair of good ones before I end up spraining my ankle or something equally dumb. And once it gets warmer, I can really start swimming again :D

Weight aside, the main reason why I want to do it is that hopefully it'll help manage my migraine/sleepless problem better. I find that if I spend just a couple of hours outside, I end up sleeping better even if all I did was sit around on some grass. I really don't want a rehash of those paralysing migraines again - it feels like shit, and it happens for no rhyme or reason :/ plus it stops me from working properly.

Tomorrow: presentation on Jenkins, write letter to real estate agents, print/photocopy grid slides, fold laundry. Must remember to grab a bananna for breakfast. I've started a must-eat-breakfast-whether-I-like-it-or-not policy so banannas are really my quickfix solutions. I can usually eat and walk at the same time and yar~ :D

going off to sleep now~
hope audy's and my stuff comes tomorrow!!
I want to wear something pretty for presentation because it makes me feel so much better<3

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:48 a.m.+

en pointe

there are times I think that maybe the reason why I do media is like this; today I was walking when I sensed a change in the air - like a hum, a quiet sting being plucked that felt like the skin of the water when you skate a hand across the surface.

Instinct: Youth will not be the benchmark of beauty much longer. The endless quest of plucking and posing and pricking will end soon, people will stop wanting to be doll-like and flawlessly young. Young, I clarify, not youthful. I think a tide is changing. Young beauty is an accident; it is beautiful but shallow and vapid and media's desire for pre-pubescents will end soon. I think it's a bit like comparing pop soda with wine - there are times where after gorging yourself silly it'll feel sickening and too sweet, cloying. Then afterwards, you long for wine.

I'm not sure what to make of this, only that I sense - I know this will happen soon. I'm curious to see what will happen, but somehow, I think it already has.

The past few days I've been rather ill, seasonal sickness I think. I feel sick every time the season changes, it affects me no matter how much I want to celebrate it. It's basically all over with migraines and shit, and on Thursday I felt so sick I couldn't even move. Thank god for ibroupfen w/ codeine though, I plopped 2 in and sank back to sleep.

Today was really warm though! I woke up feeling refreshed after sleeping 14hrs :D I raked the yard, had breakfast, did some situps, then walked around Royal Park before meeting up with Steph and Magadelen. I haven't seen them for such a long time, and it was just wonderful~ they brought me to eat cupcakes and OMG THE RED VELVET WAS SO GOOD!!!<3

Bought another book from Paperback, a rather lovely titled: 'Things People Throw Away' by Raymond Allan. It's the kind of book you can just read for the sheer sound of it, the words and images flow together - is really pretty. You can't help but want to follow his words, watch it as though it'll never quite end.

Dinner at sushi masa, had uni (good) and this new fish called 'aburo no hoshino'(????????) THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. It was so clean, so fresh it just shot straight into your brain and stayed there. Had ten zaru soba for dinner, and was really good<3333333 I love sushi masa, it's just such a great place for food. Walking back, the weather was so warm it felt like summer. I was only wearing the thinnest of cardigans, but it still felt comfortable enough despite the wind. I think I really do love early spring, it's pretty much my favourite time of the year (next to autumn, but I look forward more to sunlight than less of it) I like how it smells; all the flowers so thick and rich and pungent, little ghostly wisps of perfume that you can smell but can't quite place where it comes from.

Of course, the side effects is all the bugs have started to awaken and I'm going to start by mosquito-coil habit soon

Going to sleep soon

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:05 a.m.+

a saucier is a soloist

I've been thinking a lot about food lately - partily because I cook, partily because I picked up a book 'Plenty' by Gay Bilson. She's an excellant writer, and gives much food for thought. I first heard of her in an ABC documentary, and was pleasantly blown-away by the depth and mediation of her thought.

I already wrote what I wanted about food and grace on LJ, the communal aspect, the social and the gift of labour bestowed by the cook. But now I want to talk about places for eating alone.

Monday hit really hard, so I decided to spend some time alone. I finished some work, bought a book and proceeded to have dinner by myself at the same restaurent I always have dinner at when alone. I love this restaurent not for it's food, but because it's ambience is welcoming to single diners. It's not often you find a place empty and quiet enough to sit and dine alone without feeling awkward, so I'm grateful for such a place.

Eating out, I think - is a very interestingly modern concept. It's a kind of freedom from the work of cooking, but at the same time it's putting a pricetag on something that should be free. I find it a pleasure to eat out sometimes, because I cook so much. I suppose the reason why eating out is so popular with people is because it emphasises the social aspect without the labour of prep behind it. In a way, the whole concept of eating out is literally created for entertainment.

But. What of those who eat alone?

It becomes then, a mediation on the food and self. Because I had no one to talk to, I could pay more attention to the taste of rice vinegared octopus in my mouth, the play of butter salmon and the quiet of my own thoughts; undisrupted.

I'll just think about it more then

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:25 a.m.+

dizzyk

There are days I wake up and all I want to do is shoot everyone in sight; their disgusting laughter and fuctioning bodies, the callousness of living heat and each of them so filthy, irritating and noisy. The destruction will be pure and simple and quick, so fast that you'll be dead before you know it and then - thank god for the silence and good riddance to humans. This is one of those days.

It's like the kind of day where all you want is a long and endless taxi ride at night, where you can watch others from the warm and safety of a cab and the world is far far far away - far like the distance of parted glass. Flicker of lights and your skin is painting shades; melting colours miraging illusions so faint, flicker and go past - you don't have to stay and let them impress on you; so fleeting they are. All the murderous intent is soothed by the wash of distance and cold cold glass.

This week has been busy, but when has it not? I think my life slips away from me sometimes, so fast the days fall off the string that I can barely count the time. Like this, all life is so weightless. I feel weightless. Unbearably light, how can being be so light? A lightness so blue, it feels like sawdust of skies.

granular.
modularity.

I made curry last week, it went down well. I had an assignment due, I handed that up as well. I talked to people. I went through the motions the way people sit on the toilet sit and shit. Passing through, passing through. Pass through the hordes of people, the mass of flickers and yet together - we are a weightless mass. A cold, cold despair has settled in. So cold and so blue.

It feels like a loop

the truth is
we were much too young

Saturday was bad. I should have never gone out on Saturday. I don't like crowds or noise or masses of people, they drive me crazy and give me migraines but somehow I got persuaded into watching a movie at 11.50. To be absolutely honest - I find it distressing. It's almost like a physical stress; it makes me feel sick and nauseaous and stressed by people partying. It's the same discomfort I feel in a church, when the people turn into en masse and it just makes me want to retreat more into myself and get away. I don't care if it makes me boring and middle-aged, I just can't tolerate it. I didn't really want to watch District 9 either :x I like science fiction, but from the premise I could tell it was going to be bloody and horrific and disgusting. And it was bloody and horrific and disgusting.

Sometimes when I don't want something, it's not about leaving my comfort zone but knowing my limits. The noise from all the bars and the movie just culuminated into a big, retarded mess of pain for me. Can't sleep, feel sick and crappy as fuck.

:(

I'm just going to have this day to myself. Wander the maze, let the paths open and it's just like that - a trifle. I'm going to get a book, a bowl of beef soup noodles and maybe watch UP! and walk home. A cold day. It's like putting your tongue against the icicle, and letting it rip; painfully and numb.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:38 p.m.+

hiding out

I'm in uni, hiding out. It's actually spring now, the sky is all clear and bright and blue - as though winter washed all the summer dirt away until it's back all nice and new. There's wisps of clouds like breathes against the sky, and you're like: 'Why am I stuck inside writing essays?!?!" Or at least, that's how it gets.


gotta run for lect now, brb

+tsu waited for you at 12:55 p.m.+

weekends

Looking at osea_chello's post makes me crave za leong cheong fun. It's a fairly difficult dish to make - they don't make it in Singapore anymore either (Killeny used to sell, but IDK if they sell it still). It basically consists of a deep-fried crispy savoury dough wrapped up in rice noodles and steamed, then topped off with seasame seeds, hot seasame oil and dark soy sauce. It's really delicious - the skin basically 'melts' in your mouth revealing a crispy yeasty doughnut-like centre.

Actually I can't think of any decent places to have dimsum in Melb, but then again my standards are pretty high :/ ahhhhhh I really miss it so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, currently undergoing sugar rehab. Apparently it's possible to have a sugar addiction, and ever since I've tried to cut back - I can verify that it *IS* true. It's basically like undergoing cold turkey, only that people laugh at you. You feel sick, naseasous, tired, moody and cranky at the universe :/ It's like undergoing rehab, only without the tabloids

Other than that, the weather's been ranging from sunny springlike warm to fucking cold. Today it's back to Fucking Cold, which is a pity since yesterday was pretty great. Did figure drawing, then had the most awesome italian lunch at D.O.C <333 buffalo mozzerella! tiramisu! and TRUFFLE PIZZA! omg. when I ate it I thought I just died and gone to heaven. It was studded with porcini mushrooms, pecorino, buffalo mozzerella and of course, TRUFFLES. so heavenly<3 I usually lunch there on weekdays, but on fri/sat/sun they turn into a pizza place. SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!

Then today was pretty lazy, but I did all my laundry which is GOOD because I was running out of underwear. I wanted to sleep till 3, but I accidentally set the time wrongly so I ended up sleeping till 4.15 DDDDDx how could such a mistake happen?!?!?!?! So strange. I guess I really can't count time at all

ARGH KITTY HAET!!!!!!!!!!! MAKING FUN OF ME AND CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :( :( :(

anyway should be sleeping soon

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:37 a.m.+

turn it on for an electric feel

OK. Panic's over. Not quite, but almost there.

Sometimes I just.....I just struggle to see the point of this, within all the futility. To some extent it really feels nihilistic to do so much, so briefly, to yearn and BAM! all over like a sunset. It helps too, when the sun is shining and the wind clears my head, sharpening all the senses with an icy knife. Jiawei thinks I'm mad of course, I've turned on the fan in my room for that reason just to breathe

On another note, I've been taking vitamin B supplements to deal with sleeplessness and nervous tension. TBH it doesn't help at all with the nervous tension, but omg - my skin and hair look amazing (side effects: tastes awful and stinky pee). Curious if the effect was because I cut down sugar, I gave some to jw as well and she reported the same benefits; her hair is less oily and frizzy and her pimples are gone (so are mine actually). It's remarkable considering I've only been taking it for a few days. I'm guessing because our diet is so unvaried, we probably lack some vitamins that most people take for granted. It doesn't really help with sleep, but I do see an improvement overall.

OK time for class - today's plan: develop film, drop off frame at VCA and pick up from books from Lenon Parr (743.3) and grab some decent lunch and read Gamer's Theory.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:44 p.m.+

outoftime

*cue music*

Week. Weeks are long and ponderous, stretched like canvas and ironed bedsheets and rituals and routines that you don't really stop anymore - think

Friday was a mad rush of sewing and Jiawei's birthday and just running around collecting things. Up and down, down and up and checking my phone constantly for time time time. Audrey was still sulking in her room, what could I do? I merely did my best, and that was that. Clear the dust, air the sheets, clean up and tomorrow's the photoshoot and you just have to get it going. Saturday was bloody awful. The wind was awful. The balloons got entangled. It was NOT as I envisioned it and I have this horrible, horrible feeling I just wasted my time and money doing something. Horrible. Something horrible. I don't even want to know what I shot and processed, or even think about it too much. Horrible. I was just so tired and uninspired, and everything seemed so grey.

Saturday made way for Sunday, which was full of 'THANK GOD I CAN FINALLY SLEEP.' and the weekend ended far too fast for my liking. Monday came, and I almost skipped media futures because I was so tired. So tired jiawei actually put the toothbrush and toothpaste in my hand because I was just staring blankly at the mirror. Then Tuesday was meeting up with T.A. for regarding the thesis, cold winds (bad), new cafe (good) and Nerd Party a.k.a. reading group. It was really bloody cold on Tuesday, the winds were so bad that treebranches were breaking and falling all over - but came home and made centuryegg dumpling soup, which was delicious and extremely well recieved. And Wednesday? Hiding and full of procastination.

I'm just tired. I have a million things to do; all listed and ready in order but none of them done. I feel stretched thin and thinly spread, like miserly butter on a piece of godforsaken toast and the feel of fibre and sawdust. Choked up but not enough, and irritable to an extent of feeling suffocated and airless.

Tomorrow: return all white props, send rolls for development, go rowden white and borrowed a book on anatomy and START SKETCHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

still feeling sick
why can't this greyness end?

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:23 a.m.+

quicksilver drown

Skipped today's lecture on heidigger - just can't take it anymore. Too much abstraction is driving me crazy, and I just can't focus. I feel scattered and stretched, paperthin and flimsy and there's too many opinions and people talking too much and I just don't have the space to sit and think and that's all I want to do, really.

OK OK go home, cook dinner and curl up

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:44 p.m.+

wishing

Sleeplessness. Still is. I had approx 4 hrs of sleep/wake/sleep.....nightmares so real I woke up wondering why I was still alive. I love sleeping, but falling asleep is an agony. A mechanical claw that hangs over, trembling pillows are actually maggots in the dark, and the sensation of being stabbed over and over again until I woke up, feeling my thigh looking for blood

I don't know what's wrong, only that it seems like the dreams will never end

Daybreak dissolves dreams into figments, scattered sunlight like lasers chasing invading ships - no monster can live in such clear and harsh light. I like the night but I don't like dark - not the physical dark, but the dark that gestates and gestures with things in it. Things I cannot name.

I'm tempted to run down the pharmacy for sleeping pills, the blessed relief of dreamlessness and blank void - to just close your eyes and let sleep overcome you softly, spiralling down and you're alseep even before you know it.

Maybe I'm reading too much. Abstraction is a distraction from reality - what is real? Real is the taste of food, the scent of spring, the heat of sunshine on skin, the feel of yarn pulled between my fingers, the clack of needles, the rush of trams running in the morning and the low, muffled laughter from chattering below. The grounding is important. Ground like earth, like toes without shoes and grass that smells like shit and dirt and scurryingness and that's it, that's the skin of it. The ground we walk on.

Argh. I just hate this week. I hate the fact that my internet is down and I haven't had any sleep. I just want life to be normal as is, deasin deracinated.

Doubtless, it will pass in time. But right now, living in it is waking nightmares and nightime horrors and everything blended together. I feel sick and nauseaous all the time, I can barely tolerate water much less food.

back to work. day is short and night stretches forever, endless is that magic - that horror- that is night.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:10 p.m.+

attackkkkkkkkkk!

I'm getting migraine attacks more frequently, finally upgraded from neurofen to ibroupfen with codeine+. It's not very severe like before (paralysing pain) but it's coming more frequently, usually accompanied by bouts of nausea and an aversion to light/sound. I can't really watch TV without feeling slightly sick at times.

Made beef bourgingion last week, then baked pork and now I did stirfry today. Weekend was spent mostly slacking and catching up on sleep - Thursdays are the worst for me, I just feel so drained/want to crash right after. Watched Coraline on Monday, not bad but made me dizzy and scared....oh yeah! I went to Cleg's as well and now I'm knitting a pink scarf~ it's so cute and plush! Then today I went for the Flusser reading group

Nowadays, it's like I think so much I don't want to think anymore.....I'm enjoying uni though, but not really the main course. I'm going to sound elitist, but I prefer the reading group to the tutorial because 1. everyone is on the same level 2. everyone has done their reading 3. discussion actually brings up new ideas, instead of just rehashing what we know. I *like* abstract thought and contemplating new ideas, I just don't find it during tutorials since a huge bunch of them just don't have the foundation to work. You can't really debate on Flusser or Delueze if you don't even understand Jenkins yet. JW was like: 'you need to dumb it down for them' but I don't want to - why should I?

Anyway it's really fun (if a bit nerdy). We get pizza and chocolate and doughnuts, and just sit around and chat about theory. It feels so SMRT like SMRTIES. lulz.

oh yar, trolled my media tute this week. FUNNIES. girls edging their chairs away from my unhygenicness and jw calling me chor lor....reminds me to aya's chor-loli scenerio lol

Also finished gesso-ing the birdcage and frame - now I wish I was less cheapo and got so arcylic as well because I had to apply so many layers to get it to work. Took sooooooooooo long Dx it's just too thin to paint properly with, so tomorrow when I pick up the chair with jian I'm going to get some proper paint with it as well. And I need to finish sewing the train and get a new UV filter too. It's hard with so many things going on, but I'll be glad when the photoshoot is over this weekend and I can move on from it. JUST PLEASE BE SUNNY AND NICE. PLEAAAAASE!

This weekend is also the kitty's birthday, so we shall have scallops and nice yummy things :D I think we'll celebrate on Friday because then it'll give me some time to prepare and also 'cos Saturday is the shoot so it's quite a tight schedule for me. Haven't even done the location scouting yet mehhhhhhh :(

first I need a bath then I'm going off to sleep. headache getting worse and tomorrow I need to be up by 11am.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:33 a.m.+

Implode

IMPLODE EXPLODE BRAIN DAMAGE!!!!!!!@_@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tiredtiredtired
=_____________=

SHE ATE MY BROWNIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T__________T
STUPID KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:

kk
going home soon

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:11 p.m.+

like a buttered fish

murrr~ sleepy~ Consultation today, got thesis approved! YESSSSSSS *_____* then had a really good lunch and the Italian lady gave me free marzipan chocolate which was so awesome and delicious<333333333 Didn't really like the cream soda as much though, made me feel really thirsty afterwards.

Crashed into the media futures reading group, and it was pretty fun, if intense. It's kinda like a bigger version of the discussions jw and I have together sometimes about media but just without time limits and everyone being on the same level. Thought about going to watch Coraline but ended up going home for dinner instead - it was so cold!!! D: Did some laundry (FINALLY CLEAN CLOTHING!) and yay! My DLS JM stripe dress arrived *_*<3333333 so happy~ it fits really well too, the bust and length is perfect. My only gripe is that I wish the shoulder straps was a bit longer, but that's a problem I have with most dresses so it didn't really bother me overly much

Went home for beef burgingion, TV and bad internet. The weather's been so awful lately it's fucking up the internet/phonelines. For that reason, I bought some books to read just in case the net went down again - mostly science fiction (again. what's new?) Got Cat's Cradle, Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Repossession Mambo :D yay for books! Total science fiction addiction man....I swear half the reason I can tolerate new media wank is that it gives me an excuse to wax lyrical about DennouCoil-ish stuff like RFIV tags, uber-survelliance and cool new words like: 'cybernetics' hurhurhurhur xD i feel so smrttttt xDDDD

Anyway gotta sleep now - going to VCA tomorrow to pick up my chair, get my hair cut (SINCE THE LAST WEEK. I WANTS MY HAIR CUT NAO.) and get more naps. Naps. I<3syou when it is cold *_* oooo~ <3 <3 <3 sleeeeepp

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 05:05 a.m.+

murrrr~

Cold, cold day. Finally finished both proposals at 4am and then woke up at 12 for class. Then lunch at Animal Orchestra with JW and Mariam after sending the CV, folio + stuff to SCA - ran into a fellow student there too.

I feel so sick of winter already :/ I wanna break out some summer clothes!!! D: Also, it's so cold. I kinda regret wearing a thin summerish top under my cardigan because the weather turned for worse so quickly... I've so far resisted shopping (miraculously) but damnit, I really want this JM polkadot JSK (light blue). The last one went for like, 17000? This one has been relisted TWICE already so I'm really really hoping for it :x AHHH LIGHT BLUE WHY ARE YOU SO ADDICTIVE?!

That said, I was plenty stupid the past week. Last week was like WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!TSU ver 1.0 I managed to break the zip of my fairywish skirt (it actually went CRIK! when the tooth broke) and tear the back of my MILK stripe OP (warning to self: do NOT try to stretch in a sleeved OP and play catching x_X;;) Then during the vintage fair on Saturday, I broke the shop door with a poke. Honestly, I don't know how I do it D: It's like disaster all the time!!

Still listening to Nick Cave, so addictive. His voice is like salty buttersotch laced with whiskey, how delicious~ Also made beef burgingion yesterday, so it tasted so much better today. Beef burgingion makes me happy as well, that kind of cooking is helps calm me down since it has so many steps and keeps well. It's good to eat on a cold day.

tired now, going off to sleep

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 11:43 p.m.+

black seeds sow'n wild harvest

black seeds sowing a wild harvest; somehow - an aching landscape comes to play full of cellos and smoke, of cawing rooks and castlings and elusives allisons at play. kyrie eleision you can hear the voices raised heavenward, please, please have mercy as the wild seeds sown a blackened harvest

kyrie, kyrie eleison

I think of night and texture; black velvet bible black black as sineaters - old knowledge and older words that roll off a passage of memory like abandoned stars. In passageways, they hang like columns of defrosted ice made of dirt and scum and space-cheese and melting skies. Striding through them, is that somewhere

This week hasn't been great. Feels like falling; downslope like a badly drawn trebleclef, down like a hit of backbone on drums. //someone's making music//outta cannibal bones//all meat and flesh athumpin'//death and dancin' and rock and roll// I feel scattered, like bits and pieces and it honestly feels like shit. Brain, gun, guts; explode. Well, anyway.

Mostly I'm just disinterested. I just wanna go back, retreat and play polytonal music all day on nicovideo. I don't really feel like working, I don't feel like thinking, I don't feel like feeling anything either. I just ain't feelin' it is the capcha phrase of the day, along with the pre-requsite (:/). It's like my imagination needs a break, hell I need a break - I kinda need some time to fallow myself then I can think up something cool. I don't think cool overnight, howermuch it seems.

It's mostly the experimental project + thesis bugging me, the whole WTF IS THIS SHIT feeling and I'm not sure if there's anything in the world that can hold my attention for 13 weeks STRAIGHT. Even for lolita, I take a break from it every time or so and I'm not really that keen either. I'm a bit too restless to stay in, a bit too tired to go running about - which explains the slightly queasy, naseauous feeling that's been bugging me the whole day.

Talked to Mr James yesterday, tracked him down using google and waybackmachine hurhurhur. It helped clear my head, put it in easy simple words. Decisions are scary, big life-changing ones even moreso. I guess now is really the 'turn left point', do I have anything to lose? Will I have anything to lose? Mr James reckons that at least now I have something to fall back upon, and if I don't like it, I can always go back to being a coperate monger.

Composing emails...I really hate it. Hm. I hate composing most mundane things (lol) I think in some way, the reason why I like mr james is that he's kinda like the art mentor I never really had. Like I never really had any formal art training in AEP or even in JC - if I wanted to learn something, be it sfumato technique or charcoal or glaze; it was always mr james. And it was he that opened up stuff like Kiekegaard and Beckett for me and yeah, I still remember learning how to draw and how my arm hurt after doing too much measured drawing and hot tea (never liked it till then LOL)

That reminds me, need to buy more bowls for the house and also UV filter.

kk, time for some tea

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 07:56 p.m.+

feels like a killer drill

Pain. Exhaustion. Pain. Repeat.
Everything hurts, especially lights.

So tired I started crying, and even better - fell asleep during a lecture. Everything is just going wrong. The entire week is going wrong. The world seems tilted sideways, crooked and beaten up and I'm standing in the middle of it waiting for the wreck to fall upon my head.

I kinda regret taking experimental projects now. It's a really REALLY heavy course - actually, it's considered part of honours for SCA (wow, genius tsu for picking a genius course). My sincereist feeling is to stab the fucker, but I can't since I'm already in it and more or less signed on. Also, I hate quitting art projects. It just doesn't feel right with me. I feel like I should call someone and ask for advice, but who?

Anyway my migraine is killing me
Needs moar painkillers x_x
nights' all

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 09:02 p.m.+

vocaloidation

Someone needs to take me off NicoVideo forever and ever and ever *___*

I'm like watching EVERY SINGLE VOCALOID REMIX of Evangelion. You know how sick that is? You know the depth of my otaku-fandom? D: D: D: I keep telling myself I have work to do but instead I'm searching for '残酷な天使のテーゼ kaito' or '残酷な天使のテーゼ vocaloid' =_=;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

OK take a deeeeeep breath, take the NERV jacket off and go back to sewing.

*edges away slowly*

Neko is right though, most of the vocaloids for Eva are kinda crap - wonder why people aren't making better ones. I want a Kamui Gakupo one!! :D :D :D I wonder if they upload anime eps on to NicoVideo...hmmm...more timewasting of uni bandwidth...hmmmm DECISIONS.

kk I should really go back to research.

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:45 a.m.+

short orders

Urgh so much to update, so little time:

- met Sefie at Mt Dandendongs' last weekend, omg I think my stomach flopped when going round and round the mountainous highways Dx it was really good though! Her kitty is so cute, and I got nutella icecream *______*~

- watched Harry Potter and it was really good! I enjoyed it :D I know it's not very similar to the book version - but I'm glad it isn't because the book needed some heavy editing. The characterisation was great and Draco was more than another 2-d character...and my washing machine came! :D the driver guy was so funny LOL and omg NEW AND CLEAN BEDSHEETS ARE THE BEST THING EVER.

- ran errands on wednesday; I sold all my spare 120 film to this guy called Andrew, dropped by soda rock for lunch, picked up KERA from kangakanga (taka-san!!)t, met up with jiawei at gpo, and then to collingwood to get her scanner repaired. It was soooooooo far away D: then we went back through Lygon and sat around in borders and had nabeyaki for dinner at toki

- sunday = MAD RUSH TO GET TULLE! but spotlight was already closed D: I got a really good deal on a wool cardigan from Kinki Gerlinki though, only $35! (original price, $70) hurhurhurrrr also got discount pies from Green and ate brownies and blackforestcaek<3 then we all went down to finish the last of the pork soup lol

- ran MORE errands today, first day of uni and there was this HUGEASFUCK!queue at the arts office because the system had crashed and EVERYONE'S subjects were disapproved (lulz) because of the fitting in the morning with Liz, I forgot my handphone too =_=;;;;;; but the fitting went well, and I'm so excited! I should really call up VCA though and start booking props before MUDFEST people reserve them (hurrrr kiasu!) OK tmr have meeting with my supervisor....I should actually go sleep now x_X I took a nap earlier but I'm still tired

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:28 a.m.+

charmed.

Urgh, the bane of my life has to be dry skin this winter. It's so dry it's causing my skin to itch and rash really badly, and the only way to stop it is to lather on moisturiser and NOT turn on the heater/use hot water. It's a really terrible choice: do I want to be cold and not-itchy or warm and itchy? D: Either that or I need to get a stronger moisturiser, because it just feels like itchy hell

Went to see the Dali exhibition on Wednesday, and it was really good! I kept thinking of what Mr. James once said to me though: 'Most people don't realise how small oil paintings are' and LOL, so trueeeeee. Some of them are really small, about the size of your palm (what brush did he use? 00s?) It's pretty fun, looking at his progression of work. Like whoa, his student work is really student-y and learning about his life; a bit of showman and networker I think but very cool all the same. I bought stuff at the souveneir shop! Namely a melting clock for mom, and a hairclip for myself :D the clip is really cool, you can wear it as a hairclip AND a brooch and it's perfect for dressing up a boring outfit.

Did sewing today, will have to do more tomorrow...argh, really argh D: Need more tulle. Need more tulle. NEED MORE TULLE. This is when I remind myself the 10000x reasons why I'm just a photographer and not a fashion student. Next time I'm gonna make my life easier and do something that doesn't require so much time, effort and money. Doesn't help that the scannner is down, so I can't even scan in the photoshoot which I got back :( It looks good though, from what I can see.

KK, tomorrow need to get stuff

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:09 a.m.+

Ramp

Urgh I have the most awful eurotrash techno on now, but it's so addictive because I just watched....BRUNO! apparently it's R21 in SG, so lolz - it's only M15 here hahahaha. I suppose the meatspin is kinda R21, although most of it is more cringeworthy than anything else. Especially the Cage Match...HAHAHAHAH I think I nearly died of laughter when Celine Dion came on...it was like, total WTF. Although to be honest the entire movie is one *BIG* WTF

Didn't really do much today - it hailed! Really cold today...although somehow I like the sound of hail. They go 'plink plink plink' against the glass like icy pachinko balls, a bit terrifying but awesome as well. Grey and foggy day where the clouds hug close to the earth like a fluffy down blanket, and your warm breath comes out in little puffs of condensation. Also a really good day to eat curry, although we settled for pasta in the end. I still want to eat curry though....especially ying thai. I don't know why but I have such a craving for something spicy, probably because it's so cold now

Spent yesterday cleaning....SO. MUCH. DIRT. I felt so itchy afterwards, but now my room is nice and sparkling and all my cardigans are nicely folded and stacked :D Also also also!!! I cleaned my bookshelf! :D I love seeing all of it neatly stored, plus it makes it so much more convienient when I'm having a booky day and I just want to roll around the floor and read. Booky days are good! Thinking of starting on the Nabokov Luzhin's Defense, or re-reading Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close again. It made me cry the first time, although crying for a book is kinda like peeling onions since you know you're gonna cry anyway o.o

Won my auctions at the START PRICE too wow~ today is weirdly lucky for me, although I've been sniffling a bit. Cold/hot/cold/hot makes me fall sick really quickly, so I'm trying to stay on the 'good' side of healthy with more veg....I found that if I cook a big enough stew and if it turns brown enough - I'll eat the stuff I don't usually like, ie. sweet potatoes, carrots, eggplant, pumpkin. I cooked 'slop' yesterday though....you know the fairytale about the 'Nail soup' where everyone in the village basically dunked whatever they had to make a soup? It's a russian fairytale, and well - that's basically what I did. It contained a hella lot of weird things, but it kinda evened out in the end to something vaguely delicious and decent.

shit, now that I talk about it I'm kinda hankering for a bowl of slop as well

Tomorrow I *REALLY* need to make an early start and run errands though. First up is to go Richmond and send my film for processing, buy a washing machine and possibly do some fabric hunting. 18th I'm having a day with sefie, 20th going to watch Harry Potter, 27th my model is coming back/first day of new semester. So that means a lot of running around and shit :/ I also need to MAKE SURE that my porfolio is up and running before the 27th, and Arabesque details are finalised.

okay, gonna sleep soon

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:26 a.m.+

lemon trees for a lemonade orchard

So, the last few weeks have been whirlwinds. I feel bad for ditching pitas, because it's always been a friend to me. Soft and comfortable like a worn blanket that you wrap around your shoulders; fabric is soft and worn and loved, and you sit down and dictate.

Met up with Tarine a week week ago. She came from Canberra, and it was really fun! Spent an entire day walking, chatting about art/food/cooking/random stuff, trying delicious cakes (yay for le petit gateau and philippa's and gaunche chocolate!) It was really fun~ I hope she comes back to visit again :D

Then did Derive straight after, and prepared for the second photoshoot immediately. I was really stressed during that 2 weeks because it was like: visit from tarine, derive/arabesque editing, photoshoot with chantelle 3 days later. And the photoshoot was a mess because I basically *rushed* through the arrangements for it, she was only in Melbourne for a week so I couldn't fuck up and reshoot, had to make sure the weather was OK and that we met up in the right place and that I got *everything* ready in order. And since I couldn't talk to her personally before the shoot, I was so stressed because I wasn't sure if I conveyed what I wanted clearly.

Day before shoot went to walk around flemington area, ended up in Monee Valley. 5km????? It felt really good anyway. Lots of futuristic-y William Gibson-ish freeways and architecture, and it felt good to walk. Got chilly later, but that's later so it was okay while we walked. Anyway I really did feel much better.....it's really relaxing.

Woke up at 9am on the day itself to check my results and got: Pass (Modes/Codes), Pass (Writing Journo), H2A (NetComn), H2A (Japanese Culture). A bit disappointed but understandable....honestly I'm just glad the semester is OVER because it was total shit, especially writing journalism D: NetComn was a bit of a bitch 'cause I missed a H1 by ONE MARK so I'm sure it's mike being a petty asshole but ah well - wtv. I just can't be arsed anymore.

Anyway I didn't really have time to deliberate over my results because I was supposed to meet Chantelle at 10am and the results were released at 9 >_< in my haste, I had totally forgotten the handbag! *dies* so I texted her to say I would be late, and ran back to get it. Met her at the hotel lobby, and she's really lovely<3 The shoot was based around 1950s/60s glamour hollywood look and she was perfect for it. I bought a fucktonne of hairspray, hairgel, bobbypins and stuff so that I could pin her hair into the perfect shellac'ed shape. She looked really gorgeous, and the side camilla? So chanel!<33333333

Started with degraves st, had breakfast, then moved down towards southbank. She's a really beautiful model though, and looks so great! We got stopped by a little girl who thought she was a real-life barbie xDDDDD;;;; her grandma was so nice too, and complimented her on her dressing<3 I feel inordinately happy because I styled her, even though I was wearing jeans. My jeans though, are a wreck because I sat in a puddle of mud made by myself. One of the photos required a puddle, so I poured bottle water in the ground to make puddle and take pics of her jumping over it. IDIOTICALLY, I sat in the same puddle I made. UM. genius moment =_=;;;;;;;;;;

Anyway the shoot went well, I'm excited! I really want to see how it looks like in the end<3 also meeting chantelle was really wonderful; I really feel like we have so much in common, which makes it easier to be friends :D Came home and dropped dead asleep though. I slept for like...12hrs straight and skipped dinner. I was just so tired.

Next day went for the Forever Barbie exhibition, and it was pretty fun and wander-y. Cold though! Sat around Federation sq, had kenzan@gpo tempura for lunch too<3 made the beef stew for dinner, was so delicious!!!!!

Today is cold and dead, and woke up late :/ I'm now slightly hungry as well whatttt and that dratted kitty finished all my icecream as well ;___; madagascar vanilla bean ;_________; OK tmr I *really* need to do a room cleaning

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:37 a.m.+

.

tired, stressed, working, repeat. tomorrow's the photoshoot day, and i'm nervous and drained (now). morning didn't really start well with packages coming in, mechanic saying the washing machine is dead, then jiawei going crazy with cleaning, carpenters up the block etc etc etc. other things I desperately need to do this week are: accounts (VERY IMPORTANT) and writing up a sales post for the IW stuff. URGH. sense my procastination? haaaaaaet

also paid $90 in library fines yesterday :(
this sucks man

went for walk yesterday - slept only 4 hours but i felt awake. now i've slept 7hrs and i feel like dead. had octopus stirfry yesterday as well, think i finally mastered the control for a dry, sticky-sweet sauce.

just cold, and freezing. this morning pretty much sucks hardc0re

tempted to go and sleep for a bit, but then i need to sleep early today and therefore i can't nap if i want a regular sleep schedule (wow, those words)

also kinda irritated at audrey. sleeps at some ungodly hour, and wakes up at some equally ungodly hour. it's nothing to do with that kind of schedule, but more like if you want to follow it - don't be bitching when workmen come in the daytime to do repairs. seriously, it's your problem if you wanna sleep at 7am and the workmen come at 9am because uhhh that's normal for everyone else? also, terribly difficult to get hold of her. i don't know what her problem is, and i don't really want to know. it's her problem, she should sort it out herself but her problems shouldn't interfere with the daily household management. even if you want to eat out everyday, you still have to pay for groceries.

that reminds me, I need to do groceries as well.
this week is my turn, and i have a craving for a good, solid beef stew. maybe i'll go make some later for tonight. topside chunks, potatoes, carrots, tomato puree, onions, bay leaf etc. I'll cook it in the oven or ricecooker to let it slowly reduce itself. I also found that a combination of cocoa powder + cornflour is better for velveting than cornflour alone, IDK why. makes it a tad richer, I suppose

urgh OK I'll go at 5pm~

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 02:30 p.m.+

sounds

murr I'm tired. Last week was a bitch, this week I'm just drained. Sometimes I just feel so pressured to perform, so much so that arghhhhhh, it just makes me want to sleep forever.

I really hope the weather holds well till Thursday. PLEASE. no rain, no fog, no clouds. Just pure, clear sunshine. I only have one chance for this photoshoot so nkdaskjfjkdsf IT MUST BE PERFECT.

Other news: tired, stressed, cut my fringe, my hair's a mess - it's growing too long again but I loathe to cut it because it's cold and wintry and long hair provides a good shield against the wind. I'm tired because of all the photoshoots I'm doing, the website I'm building and Arabesque going into production. Magazine editing is *A LOT* of work. Resizing, changing everything to 600dpi, proofing, scanning more images, layoutting......the list goes on forever @_@ it doesn't help that it seems like 2 of our main contributors have disappeared @_@;;;;; In addition, there is the 'stress I *don't* need from my family - right now, I don't want to talk to *any* of them. At all.

Tomorrow - more pics of fabrics, go spotlight, grab some accessories for chantelle, prepare for Thursday (hairpins, silk flowers, hairspay, hatpins). I managed to run a few errands today as well: got the 1960s bag, illford hp5 b/w and some discount polaroid on offer. Also recieved my flybuys card which is *GREAT* since I haven't done this week's groceries, and shall do so tomorrow. I need a bath too, but it's fucking cold. COLD :(

Oh yeah, transgendered!nero is officially the house mascot lol

House washing machine needs a repair as well, spin function is broken. Send mail out as well, also do film stocktake. Just got my meta skirt as well~<3 so cute! very comfortable as well<3 what else what else hmmmm? Argh will think of more later.

I should probably give my room a clean or two, and recalibrate my monitor too :/ Just finish making tones as well, now fooling around on colourlovers.com to make designer palettes.

gotta sleep soon, sleep cycle reset! thursday have a 10am appointment so i need to get sleeping properly now

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 10:11 p.m.+

wah

....I think the rule of life is that I only start working after 3am. See, now it's 6.30am and I am finally happily sketching the photoshoot I'm going to do~ I got the reference pics I wanted, and I'm quite sure of what I want (good) also know what she's wearing (good) and what kind of film/stuff to use (good) but not so sure of locations (bad)

.....so tomorrow I'm going on a location field trip! :D
scouting places in the city suitable for a photoshoot

a lot of thoughts today
get them settled tomorrow

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 06:23 a.m.+

littlest things

........so jw was actually suffering from seasonal depressing. Wahhhhhhhhh Dx it does make things a bit more difficult to live with, but at least now we know why she's so grounchy and snappish. Anyway, yesterday was really tiring so I woke up at 4.30-5pm today @__________@ it doesn't help that the cold weather makes it unbearable to get out of bed (and it makes me lazy to go out too) Now I have to make sure I have a hat, coat, umbrella, scarf and all sorts of things before leaving the house because it's just too cold otherwise.

things to do tmr:

- send out Moitie cutsew
- make keys (melb central)
- buy so-en
- go camera xchange; UV filter and check prices for alicia
- go south yarra; ganache chocolate (if have time)
- go borders lygon

to-do within the next week or so

- scan so-en and fudge
- buy fabric needed for wedding shoot
- make wedding train
- SKETCH ALL PHOTOSHOOTS NOW!
- make/upload portfolio
- source for stepladder/ask vca
- carpenter, 6th july
- wash bedsheets/linen

better restart comp and adjust images for daily frill now...I hope they don't mind it >___>;;; it's not my best work imho, but it does look very pretty

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 03:54 a.m.+

neuro-tiksis

Finally finally finally got the derive photos sorted. Remarkably easy process after I dumped about 150++ worth of photos on the floor and started sorting them out. Then I asked audy over to go inspect with a 'yes/no' pile and cut from 150+++ to about 50, then from 50 to 19, from 19 to 9. All in all I'm quite happy with it, it looks good. The feeling that I wanted exists and hopefully people will see it without need for too much explaination.

Next up with the one with Aeryn, the citygirl chic one. To prepare myself I've been flipping through pictures of Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, as well as more recent modern versions of the theme. I've kinda set myself on either 6-8 high quality glamoresque shots with a strong city-chic emphasis.....which means I'll probably have to do her makeup. A photographer who wants to shoot fashion but can't apply makeup is a weak photographer, but I think I can grasp how to apply it on others even if I can't quite do it myself. Strong eyes and lips, pale skin, 3/4 profile face angles and maybe if I'm lucky I can get one with movement.

Then I need to start working on the carousel wedding piece because that will really really be totally awesome or totally crap. I've kinda gotten an idea of what I want; carnivalesque - an abandoned bride who turns into a flower. And I've been thinking of supplimenting the tulle with some kind of softer net or georgette. I was thinking maybe shoe-less, with garter belts and everything and a kind of lost forlorness and a feeling of wonder.

I guess most of everything I do has a feeling of wonder and whimsy - it's not developed enough to be called a 'style' yet, but I can kind of grasp it, kind of sense it, as though I'm groping my way through the dark finding that elusive something

Really busy lately. Etoile dress well and sold, and today I sold a Moitie cutsew through poupeegirl so my bank balance is finally looking deliciously healthier. I've decided not to buy either the Meta or ETC dress even though I really *really* like the Meta dress. I kinda wanna save for my driving licence/future needs, so yeahhhh....it would be a frivolous expenditure! So, I won't get it.

Then today I went to play tourguide to hippopie (Tarina) from Canberra and it was pretty fun! Went to Le Petit Gateau, then KangaKanga, then Armadale (ODiP and Philippa's) and finally South Yarra (Chapel St Bazaar). Got a pretty postcard for aya as well, and blueberry chocolate from Ganache Chocolate. Tried their new earl grey flavour which was great.....and yes, it was really nice meeting her :D I wouldn't mind taking her around more places because she's really nice and friendly, and I think we get along well.

Really tired though. I had about 3-4hrs of sleep; I slept at 2 and woke up at 6 and tossed around till 10am but had to wake at 11am. And I was out the whole day too! x_X;;;;

OK I'll do the drafting + scanning tomorrow. I really can't think straight anymore, but I think sometimes I can't sleep because I have too many ideas in my head and I keep getting waked by new ones and I'm just itching to start but I have to wait, shikata nai. I want to see the Dali exhibit as well, and then I need to get new housekeys and new UV filter. Also need to ride the bike.... @____@ and oh yar, Gary and domain and putting portfolio! important!!

@_____________________@
feels like a working holiday
not real one hor

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 04:22 a.m.+

nyap~

murrr I'm almost too sleepy to bathe, and definitely too sleepy to be online. Anyway will have to sleep soon, meeting a lolita from sydney tomorrow at 12noon and going to walkwalk around. Better pack an umbrella as well, forecast for tomorrow is rain (shit)

also went to watch a movie today, coco avant chanel. it was either that or italian mafia and knowing my tedency towards nightmares........went to see chanel instead. pretty decent flick, TONS of clothes p0rn, the cinematography is like a renoir painting and OMG HATS HATS HATS. It makes me want to wear a hat everyday, even though i don't look like audrey tatou.

i shall wear a hat tomorrow anyway, just because :D

anyway it's a cold night, gonna bathe then huddle under blankets as the wind continues to beat against trees, and trees rustle like gossipy old ladies with their skirts upturned.

still haven't done any scanning yet though, urgh

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 12:17 a.m.+

porcelain-rerun

ahhhhh.......It's been a long time hasn't it? Long times, different feelings - weeks pass like so quickly; time doesn't fly, it springs forward like a whirlwind with only the barest hint of impression, a fleeting image of time spent, time gone.

Finished exams on the 23rd, it was actually quite alright. The day started out warm, so I stupidly wore only 1 layer and my okashi no kuni skirt (for luck and pockets). I wrote a lot for the paper, but I'm not sure how much is relevant. For me, it seems like a jumble of thoughts, I'm not sure how coherent it was. Also, lack of sleep since I was up the night studying for it. I'm hoping for a H2A at least, because this will pull my aggregate up higher.

After that a light dinner and sleep. Watched the documentary on colour, it was so good! Particularly the part about how blue light affect cicidian cycles...then afterwards went to sleep. Then a few days later we went on a massive book-buying spree (all three of us) because of the holidays....something to read, so we wouldn't spend so much time on the computer.

Even though it's so stress-free in lifestyle, I've been feeling rather tired lately.....mostly it's because of nightmares. A few days ago I woke up screaming again. It was terrifying. I ran into audrey's room after looking for people. I was really scared. I don't want to talk about it too much. The next day it happened again. Today is the 3rd night of nightmares, I hope it ends soon. I'm almost afraid to sleep to some extent, and I find it very hard to wake up even with light shining on me. It's all a bit frightening.

I've been trying though, to keep my thoughts under control. I bought a lot of Roald Dahl during the booktrip, and the only things I've been reading is short stories and fantasy. I also went KangaKanga yesterday with audy to pick up some pretty magazines, namely Fudge and KERA. It was quite nice, although I was tired.

Possibly it could be a kind of seasonal effect, because jw is definitely suffering from some kind of seasonal moodswing.

Also, DA'ed the magical etoile dress. I was pretty sad about it, since I adore that dress and it was my first item from Angelic Pretty. Also it's adorable and sweet and my favourite version of the OTT craze<3 but yeah, I haven't worn it at all since March and I doubt I will anytime soon. Usually when I feel like wearing a dress I either pick the alice oriental or alice cardsuit (lol, both alices!)

sleepy....tomorrow have to wake quite early to send the dress off, and I want to watch coco avant chanel as well at nova (monday = cheap day) and maybe if I have the time, go down to Camera Xchange to look at cameras for kaitensoshi and get myself another UV filter for johnboy. I keep forgetting to do that! D:

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:56 a.m.+

neuromancer

So I finally got a new layout - Gibson inspired? All neon'ed and futuristic and cool with strange, odd angles. I quite like the neon-effect on the old buildings, they make me kinda happy<3 Mostly I'm glad for a change...all the white looks so clean and refreshing after having so much brown! *_* I don't really like brown/tan....it looks so aged to me. Meh.

The past few days is a lot of thinking and thinking. Thinking about the future, about what I'm going to do. Graduating is so terrifying isn't it? I've kinda settled to: if dad doesn't allow me to go UK, I'll do JET in Korea or Japan. I don't mind the countryside aspect, since I've never really lived in one anyway. I also don't mind the strangeness of it because part of the reason why I want to do it is because it is strange. It's a totally new experience, and I've already found out I *LIKE* being thrown from country to country, like a restless wave. I'm hope I won't get Tokyo actually, I want somewhere new and rocky like Aichi or Kanazawa or Ibaragi - places that sound so cool and strange and yeah, I'm young and crazy and why can't I?

It's not a new thought - but I never imagined picking Japan.

To be honest I don't really care where I end up. I'm merely choosing Japan and Korea because they have government sponsored programmes which makes it easy for me to apply for. I don't really want to be a teacher so hardc0re teaching experience doesn't appeal to me. Basically I want a relatively 9-5 job, which gives me lots of time to explore, drive around, take tons of pictures and practise my shitty Japanese. Hell, I'll take it if it's Korea, Taiwan, HK, India and maybe even China. NEW AND EXCITING PLACE PLZ.

The LCC course I want is this one BTW. oh, St Martinssssss<3 as much as I regret not going UK, I would never exchange anything I learnt in Melbourne for it.

In a way, my gamble paid off. St Martins' would've been great of course, but I would've never met Jiawei/Audy or lived here at all.....and most of all, I would've never picked up photography. Understand this: when I applied to St Martins I applied solely for painting, and nowadays I can't imagine a life without photographs. Or film production. Or essays. St Martins would've been great - but also, limiting. Going to Melbourne has given me the academic structure and really stretched me beyond what an art school can do. I might miss doing practical work, but at the same time (as much as I bitch about M/C) I've learnt a lot.

Besides that, life if OK. Been cooking alot, which kinda makes me feel fat but it was a delicious fatness. Now I feel like I'm verging on indigestion so I should eat clean stuff for the next few days. I also cleaned up my room, bleached my white shirts, gave it a bit of vaccum and airing so it feels great. Tomorrow I'll go to the hardware shop to buy a plank of plywood for my mattress, since it's too soft. Send some mail, go home, study for tomorrow's exam and yeah everything should be fine then.

I should also pick up another pack of post-it notes
my stack is nearly gone!

I've also been very good and not-shopping lately. I got rid of y!J and egl_comn_sales from my watchlist....but it means I'm also buying more books because I'm reading them instead of going online :/ ah well....at least books are better than dresses! ^^;;

Other than that, lolita meetup. OMFGWTFBBQ there was this total skank/white trash there. She was seriously annoying and rude - almost unbelievably so. I forgive her because she's 17 and dumb, but I couldn't believe the nerve of her at times! Most of all, she was really rude to Magdalen :/ I don't even think she was a lolita, she just came to cause trouble (and watch wank) I felt so uncomfortable that I stayed near Steph and other people instead of talking to her. I just didn't want to be near her at all.

Well, at least now I have a better idea why our dear lord Mayor has such a dislike of bogans lol~

Going to sleep soon, I hope my stomach settles down quickly! urgh, maybe shouldn't have eaten all that rice and lamb with gravy T_____T indigestion T___T but it was so good ;_____;

love
tsu

+tsu waited for you at 01:34 a.m.+